Until I Have To Go

It took a few moments or more like nearly an hour for Jo to understand what was going on. But she didn’t understand it. But Liam didn’t seem to come back.

“Oh. My. God.” Jo ran to the phone.

“Hello?”

“Ricky this is an emergency I need you to drive me. So get your ass over here!” Jo yelled into the phone.

“Okay on my way.” Ricky hung up. Jo had a hard time breathing, this was all wrong. No one was allowed to hurt Liam.

“Jo?” Ricky came through the open door.

“I’m here.” Jo said quietly. “Do you remember where my piano teacher lives?”

“Yes, why?”

“For Christ sake just drive me there and pray that Liam arrived there safely. And don’t ask any questions.” Jo snapped at Ricky.
As soon they arrived Ricky knew he wasn’t supposed to be there. Jo nearly ran the door in.

“Jo I thought you wouldn’t…”

“Shut up! I don’t care what you thought. I’m not lying to him do you hear me? He is the most important person in my entire life and I don’t let anyone hurt him. No matter how curious I was who is father is, I never pictured someone like you to be his dad. You left him for a fucking piano career. How could you do such a thing? How can you leave a woman that is pregnant with your child? Liam yelled at me when I told him he doesn’t have to stay with me when we thought I was pregnant. I wish I would be stronger so I could punch you. I hate you Graham! I hate that you hurt him and that you put me in the position of telling him, because you knew I wouldn’t keep it to myself. You knew I would tell him. You fucking arsehole!...”

“Jo! Jo! Listen to me I know all this and I tell myself all of this each time I see a mirror…”

“Where is Liam?”

“In the living room sleeping.” Graham let her pass to Liam.

“I think he is okay…”

“Shut up, don’t talk to me. I can’t believe you made me tell him.” Jo checked Liam once over, he did look okay.
Graham opened his mouth to say that he never made her tell Liam, but deep down he knew that’s why he told Jo. He didn’t know what to say anymore, so he turned around and went into the kitchen but before Jo couldn’t hear him anymore he said. “I’m sorry.”

“Fuck off Mr Hart!” Jo wasn’t mad that her piano teacher was Liam’s father, she was mad because apparently he hadn't change. He was still the same coward that rather ran away than face a problem. Jo was mad that Graham used her to tell Liam, there would have been no way that Jo doesn’t tell Liam. She didn’t have secrets from Liam, at least not about the important things. Liam was lying on the couch right next to the fireplace and now his head was resting on Jo’s lap. And Jo was protecting him like a lioness her cubs.

Jo was worried because Liam didn’t wake up despite her yelling. She constantly checked if she could feel his pulse, it was almost scary how lifeless he looked.
Graham watched the two quietly. “I would have told him, Jo. I wouldn’t have kept it from him. I wanted to tell you first, but that didn’t mean that I didn’t plan on telling him myself later.”

Jo didn’t look at him, she just stroked Liam’s cold cheek. She felt that she was slowly calming down and she was tired of shouting, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t mad at Graham anymore.
“How could you live like that?”, she asked in a lowered voice. “Knowing that you have a child somewhere that you never got to see? How?”

“I never really did.”

“What?”

“Live. Living nineteen years with this guilt is nothing that I consider ‘life’.” He paused for a moment. Jo still refused to look at him. “You were right about everything you said. I was a coward and ran away instead of facing any problems. I never stopped regretting this decision, I regretted it the moment I walked away. And I know I will never be able to make it up to Liam, and it’s too late to change what happened in the past, but I’ll do what’s best for him now…”

“You don’t know him”, she said coldly. “You don’t know what’s best for him.”

“I know that he doesn’t want me in his life, and I completely understand”, Graham said quietly. “It’s hard for me to stay away from him, now that I found him, but I understand that he hates me, and I won’t bother him or you any longer.”

Jo pressed her lips together. She didn’t know what the two had talked about before she arrived, so she had no idea if this was really what Liam wanted. Maybe it was the best for him if Graham would just stay out of his life, after all, Liam was grown now and didn’t need a father anymore. But on the other hand she wasn’t sure if that was what would make him happy in the end.

“I’ll order a taxi to bring you two home-“

“The car is outside, I can drive home", she said.

“Okay…”, he nodded. “Jo, I promise I won’t get into his way. He won’t have to see me again…”

She finally looked at Graham, and as much as she hated him right now, it hurt her to look at him because for the first time she noticed that Liam had his eyes, and she realized that no matter how much Graham had messed up, he would always be the father of the one person she loved the most.

“There’s just one more thing…” Graham walked to them, got out a little yellowed piece of paper and handed it to Jo.

“What is this?”, she asked, not looking up.

“It’s my most valuable possession.”

Jo stared at the little paper that was carefully folded together.

“His mother gave it to me on the first day we met. It’s a poem by her favourite poet. I always carried it with me, wherever I went. I want Liam to have it.” Graham took a few steps back to give Jo space again. She slowly opened the paper and read the poem.

Love Song

How can I keep my soul in me, so that
it doesn't touch your soul? How can I raise
it high enough, past you, to other things?
I would like to shelter it, among remote
lost objects, in some dark and silent place
that doesn't resonate when your depths resound.
Yet everything that touches us, me and you,
takes us together like a violin's bow,
which draws one voice out of two separate strings.
Upon what instrument are we two spanned?
And what musician holds us in his hand?
Oh sweetest song.
(R.M. Rilke)

Jo had a hard time with fighting off tears. She just stared at the paper, neatly written with black ink.

“I better go now, so he won’t have to deal with me anymore when he wakes up.” Graham took one last look at his son. “You two take care of each other…” He turned away and left the living room.
Jo just sat on the couch, one hand resting on Liam’s hair, the other still holding the poem.
About ten minutes later, when Graham was already gone, Liam finally began to move, and Jo’s heart almost stopped beating. He opened his eyes.

“Jo…?” He sat up slowly and didn’t get the chance to say much more because she hugged him so hard that he almost fell back. “Where am I…?” He looked around, just slowly getting back his memory.

“I’m so sorry, Liam”, she said, burying her face in his shoulder. “For everything.”

“Jo…” He grabbed her shoulders and gently pulled her away from him, so that he could see her face. “Thank you.” A weak smile appeared on his face. “For being so strong.”

She shook her head. “Oh Liam, I’m not strong, not at all.”

“No, you are. You’re like her…”, he whispered. “Like my mother.”

Jo held her breath and looked shocked at him. Hearing this from him meant more than any other compliment, it even meant more than ‘I love you’.

She needed a moment until she could speak again. “Liam, this is for you…” She gave him the little piece of paper. He immediately recognized the handwriting and read it quietly. After he was done, his eyes wandered out to the window.
“Where is my father?”

“He thought you wouldn’t want to see him again, so he left”, Jo said. She looked worried at him. “That’s what you want, isn’t it?”

When he didn’t respond she slowly got up. “Let’s get back to Oxford and watch all the silly cartoons that you like, and I’ll cook something for you, I will try my best, I can even bake something if you want.”

Liam slowly got up, but he felt so dizzy that he sat down again.

“Take it slow”, Jo said. "Where are the car keys?"

"Somewhere outside, I think I dropped them next to the car."

“Wait here,I’ll be back in a second!” She quickly ran outside.

Liam stared at the poem in his hand. He realized that he had just called Graham ‘father’. And he didn’t say it in any cold or resentful way. He had said this word like a little boy who just lost his father.

Liam didn’t want to let Jo drive the car, after all, she didn’t have her licence yet, but she insisted on driving because he wasn’t feeling well. It was only twenty minutes back to the flat, but in those twenty minutes Jo managed to make Liam feel even sicker. First she drove backwards instead of forwards, then she confused the gears completely, and she almost hit a goat. But they made it home, somehow.
The next three days Jo did her best to cheer him up. Liam pretended that he was fine, he made his usual- often inappropriate- jokes, talked about chemical formulas, commented on the hotness of certain actresses and watched Tom and Jerry as if nothing had happened, but there were a few moments when Jo caught him stopping to pretend for a few seconds. Everytime he thought she wasn’t paying attention or was distracted by something else, his facial expression changed, his smile faded and a shadow of sadness crossed his eyes. As soon as he noticed that Jo looked into his direction he immediately started to pretend again, and the one time she dared to start that one particular subject, he started joking around, and she knew she wouldn’t have a chance to make him talk. She also caught him reading that little poem everytime he thought he was alone, and she never let on that she knew about it.
On the fourth day, when Jo had her first exam, Liam took the train to London without telling her. Before she left the flat to go to her exam, he wished her good luck and kissed her goodbye, but as soon as she was gone he wrote a quick note, I’m in London, I’ll be back tonight, left the note on the living room table and walked to the train station.
Liam hated doing this. He hated the fact that he just left without telling Jo. He hated the fact that he was going to London to find Graham’s apartment. He hated the fact that he couldn’t hate Graham. He really wanted to hate him, and he really hated himself for not doing so. Since he was little he imagined how it would like to meet his father. Not in his wildest dreams he would have thought that he would meet him one day, but he always knew that if he did meet him one day, he would hate him, no matter how nice he was. He really, really wanted to hate him.
But he didn’t.
It drove him mad. Of course Liam wasn’t able to forgive him, and he didn’t want to forgive him, but he just couldn’t hate him, and that upset him even more. He never wanted to hate anyone as bad as that man, and then he had to realize that he just couldn’t do it.
Liam watched the landscape quickly passing by as he sat in the train to London. It was a weird thought that he carried the same genes as the man he wanted to hate so bad. Half of his DNA was from that man he wanted to hate so bad. 23 of his 46 chromosomes were from that man he wanted to hate so bad.

After Liam arrived in London, he got a taxi and drove to the building where Graham had his apartment. It had taken him only a couple of phone calls to find out the address, and now he was standing in front of this big, Victorian building and walked towards the big glass door. A very British-looking doorman in uniform watched him as he approached him.
“May I help you?”, the man asked.

“Um…I would like to see Mr.Hart.”

“Mr. Hart left two days ago.”

“Oh…when will he be coming back?”

“I’m afraid not until next month. He’ll be all around Europe.”

“I see…” Liam’s eyes wandered to the doorbells, and he spotted Graham’s name, so he knew where his apartment was. “Um…I still need to go inside, just for a really brief moment, I’ll be back in a second.”

“I cannot let you in, young man. Not unless someone expects your visit.”

“I just have to drop something off.”

“I’m sorry, I’m not allowed to.”

“It’s really important”, Liam said. “Please.”

The doorman seemed to hesitate while he looked into the boy’s pleading blue eyes. He sighed. “Five minutes.” He held the door open for him.

“Thank you!” Liam smiled at him, then went inside and ran up the stairs. He could have taken the elevator, but there was liftman standing inside, and he wasn’t in the mood to talk to any more people right now. He arrived in front of the apartment and stood in the big hallway, just staring at the door and realizing that for the past years he and his father had lived in the same city, and he had no idea.
Liam took out the poem, read it a last time –he had already memorized it after the very first time he read it- and slipped it under the door. This little piece of paper was from his mother, but it didn’t belong to him. She had given it to the man she loved who was the same man he wanted to hate so bad. She had written it for the man he would never be able to hate, no matter how much he tried.

While Liam sat in the train back to Oxford, he thought about how much Jo had taken care of him the past days. And he was now more certain than ever that this was the girl he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. And then he thought of the poem, and smiled. Because it expressed what he thought about Jo.

How can I keep my soul in me, so that
it doesn't touch your soul? How can I raise
it high enough, past you, to other things?
I would like to shelter it, among remote
lost objects, in some dark and silent place
that doesn't resonate when your depths resound.
Yet everything that touches us, me and you,
takes us together like a violin's bow,
which draws one voice out of two separate strings.
Upon what instrument are we two spanned?
And what musician holds us in his hand?
Oh sweetest song.

Jo’s exam went very well she went with Ricky for a tea after it. But she was still early home. She found Liam’s note on the kitchen table. I’m in London, I’ll be back tonight.

Jo looked around her flat she had the next day an exam but she was well prepared for that. There was nothing on the TV she wanted to watch, gee there was nothing in the flat that she wanted. Jo hadn't told Liam and she wouldn’t tell him. Since he didn’t ask her how she was she wouldn’t tell him and even if he would ask her she didn’t had to include this. Liam was upset enough, he didn’t need to know that Jo lived every second with Liam as if it was their last together. She knew that Liam might never forgive Graham for leaving, but sooner or later Liam would be friends with him and then he will want to catch up the lost time. Since the kidnapping she expected Liam to leave her, and now did he had the perfect excuse to spend less time with her. After all he started to have secrets and she was sure that he didn’t drive t London to say hi to Dick.
Dressed in his Mickey Mouse jumper she went out for a walk. Feeling alone and awful for be being jealous of Graham. Why couldn’t have her parents pick a normal piano teacher or why couldn’t she just once listen to her mother and play the harp?

She was sitting not far from her flat in a bench, drawing the sketch she had started a couple of days ago. It was a sketch of her with Liam, they both looked older, and there was a ring at her finger. Liam was holding her and his body language said clearly. “I let you never go!”

Tears were running down her cheeks.

“Since when does your guard let you out alone?” Victor snarled.

“He is not my guard and he is working that’s why he isn’t here.”

“You look cold, here take this.” Victor was putting his scarf around her. “That is a beautiful drawing.” Victor actually seemed nice right now.

“What do you want Victor?” Jo didn’t sound at all friendly.

“I don’t like to see you cry. Anything I can do to make you feel better?”

“No.” New tears were appearing. “I better go.”

Jo got up and ran home, still wearing his scarf.
She locked all locks turned on the TV and found a documentary about the stars. It wasn’t the same but at least while she watched that she remembered their first date. That was before they even were together. That moment huddled into his jumper listening to the man telling the camera team about the stars she knew that if Liam will really leave her she won’t have a plan B for her live. There was no other man in the entire universe she would marry. She wanted Liam and no one else. Jo was exhausted from all the crying and thinking that she fell asleep. She didn’t hear Liam come back and she didn’t feel Liam carrying her into their bed.

~~~

Jo hadn’t spoken very often with her father in the past weeks. She actually didn’t even have a lot of time thinking about the whole situation. Her mother was travelling with her father to Switzerland where she would stay in a mental institution. At the moment no one knew for how long. Elizabeth had a hysterical break down in the night and was now medicated to calm her down. Jo watched the nurse accompany her mother onto the plane, while her father came to her.

“Jo, darling everything will be alright very soon.” Jo nodded, but she was by now so good in hiding her sorrows that not even her father saw it. She kissed him on the cheek and whispered. “I can’t do this. I’m sorry.”

She turned around and ran away. There were a few things she had never told anyone. Thought and wishes she hadn't even written into her diary. Since the day she found out about all her siblings that have died she wished her parents would have another child…

Jo always had a lot of imagination and since her earliest childhood she had imaginary friends, but Jo’s friends were never long there but she had many and at some point everyone was worried of her mental health. She was ten when she mentioned her last imaginary friend. Hugo, he was not her last friend. He was just the last one she mentioned to other people. Chubby a green little gnome disappeared the moment she saw Liam for the first time in London all those month ago. Since that day no new invisible friend appeared to her.
Jo longed for other children someone who understood her. Someone who would always be on her side. Someone to share the burden. Colin and Elizabeth were good parents, but they did mistakes. Mistakes that may seems small and normal, but even those mistakes changed their daughters live.
Colin gave his daughter everything she asked for, because he felt bad that Elizabeth was so distant to her.
And Elizabeth expected Jo to be perfect, perfect in everything. When Elizabeth noticed that Jo can draw and paint, Elizabeth got Jo a tutor and made her practise until she was the perfect artist. And when this meant that Jo had to draw until her fingers were bleeding then it was the prize that needed to be paid. Everything in Jo’s life was like this.
Jo knows very well that she had a good life, but there is this one little think she dreamed of, a brother. Someone to share the burden of being the Williams heir. Liam thought of Jo as rich, but he didn’t know why Victor really wanted to marry Jo. Any man who marries her has never to worry again. He has never to work unless he wants to. As only heir Jo will have everything, houses, horses, money, her own bank in Switzerland, jewels, factories everything. And she doesn’t need to worry about anything she will have her bank account and spends the never outrunning money. But Jo didn’t want a penny of the money or any of her riches, since she was a little girl she wished just to have one treasure. The treasure of a brother or a sister –preferable a brother-.

Jo was leaning against the Jaguar, hiding her face in her arms. And just this once in the new year she let her tears run freely. Tears of the fear of losing Liam, tears because she felt sorry for her mother, tears for herself and tears for her brother no one knew where he was.

Why?

Jo started to understand why Liam didn’t believe in God. It wasn’t easy to believe when it was hard to see. Jo felt as if she was standing on a pitch dark road, stumbling over stones trying to find her way but she didn’t know if she was still on the road and if she was going into the right direction.

But mainly out there in the cold February air she felt guilty for hating Graham for taking the one good thing in her life. The one person that could make everything alright again.

The plane with Elizabeth and Colin took off. On board did Colin wonder if he did the right thing by letting Jo deal with the aftermath of the kidnapping by herself. She seemed different then month ago. She wasn't the girl anymore she was a year ago.

Liam turned around for a few seconds because a little girl had just bumped into him and started to cry hysterically while the mother shot him an evil look as if it was his fault that the little girl ran into him. By the time he turned back Jo was gone. She had been there only a few seconds ago, watching her parents getting into the plane, and now she wasn’t there anymore.

“Oh man…” Liam knew that she tended to run away when she felt bad, but did she always have to run away so sudden and make him worry like that?
He quickly looked around, stared at every girl that passed him- this time for a whole different reason- and hoped to recognize Jo’s face somewhere, but there was no sign of her. He went inside the Café and the magazine store, but she wasn’t anywhere. And then he saw her, sitting on one of the benches, her back turned towards him.

“Hey, why did you run away like this?” He sat down next to her and saw that she was crying. He put his arms around her and pressed her gently against his chest. “What is it?”
She sobbed into his shirt while he stroked her hair softly.
“Is it because of your mother?”

“It’s everything…”, she mumbled into his shirt.

“Everything?”

“My mother, the fact that I have a brother somewhere I don’t know, you and…” She didn’t have the heart to tell him that she worried he might forget her now that he knew who his father was. “It’s just…it’s all getting too much!”

“It’s okay”, Liam rubbed his shoulders. “You’ll make it, you always do. And I’m right here, I promise. I’m not going anywhere.”

Jo wished she could believe him, but deep inside her heart she worried he would leave her because she would become too much a burden for him.

~~~

“I do have to say Victor, I underestimated you”, Maggy said as Victor broke the lock at the door of Jo’s flat carefully.

Victor flashed her a vicious smile. “You better don’t underestimate me again, this is just the beginning.”

They walked into the flat and looked around.

“It’s small”, Maggy said. “I thought Princess Josephine would live in a flat at least three times this big. Oh, but I forgot. She always pretends to be humble to that people like her more.” Hey eyes wandered over the shelves and searched for something interesting. “Nothing here looks valuable.”

“You’re looking for the wrong things, Maggy.” Victor took out a book from the bookshelf. “There are many valuable things here, but not what we might call valuable. This book for instance is valuable not because it’s expensive, but because it means a lot to Josephine.”

Maggie crossed her arms. “Seriously? A book?”

“Many things here aren’t expensive, but they mean more to her than jewellery, so you better start looking for anything that looks like her darling could have given to her.” He suddenly noticed something that looked like a sketchbook, hidden underneath a pile of papers. He carefully picked it up and saw Jo’s handwriting on the first page. To Liam, from Jo, Merry Christmas my little Leprechaun! A Christmas present….perfect. A grin appeared on Victor’s face, which grew larger when he saw the drawings inside the book. He didn’t show it to Maggy. This was his possession now, and only his alone.

“Does that fit me?” Maggy held up the Mickey jumper. “How very Chanel!”

“Take it with you.”

“What? This old thing?”

“I saw her wearing it a couple of times, she seems to love that thing.”

“Okay…” Maggy seemed a bit confused. She grabbed a very nice, framed picture of Jo and Liam, which was taken relatively early in their relationship. “is that her boyfriend?”

“Didn’t you already see him at New Year’s?”

“No, because he already left, followed by his whiney little girlfriend. I didn’t get the chance to take a closer look.” She put the picture back. “He’s cute. Looks a bit too young for my taste, but…”

“You know what I asked you to do, right?” Victor turned to her. “You’ll need to get his attention so that little Miss Josephine thinks he’s interested in you, and I can work on her. She’s so easy to manipulate when she’s hurt, it’s almost too easy.” He grinned.

They looked around for a few more minutes until they found a couple of more things, then they left the flat and closed the door carefully.

Jo never said anything to Liam again, for next couple of weeks she was always reading, writing and studying. She was hiding in her work trying not to think about what’s happening around her. Liam was always thinking and she saw Victor and Maggy more and more often around. And Victor had this weird grin in his face. As if there was something he knew.

“Liam have you seen The three Musketeers I can’ find it? I mean the edition you bought for me. I know I wrote a note in it and I need this comment.” Jo was standing with a stool on a chair looking through the books on the upper shelves.

“Whoa, come done. I’ll help you look for it.” Liam lifted her down, kissed her briefly and was looking for the book. It wasn’t the first think he had noticed that was missing and further he was sure that he had found signs on a break in at the flat door. He didn’t want to scare her and never told her about it. He just changed all locks to more secure ones.

This conversation was two days ago, and today was Valentine’s Day. Liam was on campus he had bought some lunch for him and Jo, she had a lecture that should finish soon. The campus was buzzing by happy looking couples.

“You must be Liam O’Doherty. I’m a friend of Josephine Williams, we met at the New Years Eve party.” Maggy was standing flirtatious in front of Liam, under her white Chanel coat he saw a grey jumper, well it was once a jumper he knew very well. She must have altered it, it was much shorter and much tighter as he knew it. But the Mickey Mouse was still the same.

“You must be the girl that gave Jo all the punch and made her drunk. Thank you very much for that.” Liam didn’t even look up from his book.

“Oh that was just a little accident. May I sit down?” Maggy sat down very close, pulling her jumper a little bit more down so that he had a better look on her boobs. “You are so handsome.”

Maggy brushed his hair out of his face.

“I really love you eyes. They are like a cold mountain lake, the last time I was in the mountains I went bathing in a lake, without any clothes on.” Her hand was resting on his leg, very high up his leg. Liam looked at her hand and then at her.

“You want anything?” Liam asked her bored.

Jo was standing on the other side of the place. She saw Liam sitting with Maggy and Maggy had clearly her hands on her boyfriend. Jo sighed, apparently it was just a matter of time that he leaves. It looks like that her surprise date would be one of the last dates.

“Hey.” Jo saw her jumper and knew it right away, Liam had given Maggy already the Mickey Mouse jumper and he said that he forgot the jumper in London the last time he was at his flat. Jo looked at Maggy’s hand and then at Liam just for a moment. “I have to go to the library, do some more work. If you want you can join me.” Jo sounded tired, Maggy was grinning successfully.

Jo turned around and walked away from them. Maggy’s grin grew larger.
“She’s a little sensitive, isn’t she?” Her lips came very close to his cheek and she slowly moved her hand further up, but then he gripped her hand tightly.

“What’s your problem?” He wanted to get up, but she clung to his arm and pulled him back.

“I think you are my problem”, she whispered into his ear. “I’m not used to be ignored by men…”

“Well, get used to it.” Liam pushed her away and got up.

Maggy crossed her arms and put one leg over the other. “Seriously? You really care for that needy little brat?”

“Don’t call her that!”

She twisted a lock of hair around her finger. “Why do you want to waste your time with little girls when you can have a woman? I can tell that you like experienced girls, so why do you put up with her, out of all girls?”

“You know what? Just shut up, you would do me a great favour.” Liam turned around and walked to the library. He hoped Jo was still there, she must have gotten a completely wrong impression.

As soon as he was out of sight, Victor sat down next to Maggy.

“He’s tougher than I thought”, she said without looking at him. “It must be that Josephine…She obviously controls him more than I expected.”

“Maybe you just didn’t try enough.” Victor pursed his lips. “He has a soft spot for women, it really shouldn’t be hard for you to get his attention, so I guess you just need to try harder.”

“What do you want me to do? Take off all my clothes the next time?”

“We don’t want things to be too tacky…”, Victor said. “But do you remember what you did to dear little Josephine on New Year’s in order to manipulate her?”

“I got her drunk.”

Victor grinned. “Exactly.”
~~~

Liam looked for Jo in the library and found her in the furthest corner, sitting on the floor, hidden away from the rest. He could tell that she was upset.
“There you are…” He sat down next to her, but she ignored him. “Jo, it wasn’t what it looked like. I don’t know this girl, and I really don’t give a damn about her.”

“Oh, so you’re telling me that it bothered you that she had her hands all over you?” She didn’t even try to hide the sarcasm in her voice. “Well, there’s something new…”

“It’s the truth, Jo. I pushed her away, okay?”

“Yeah, sure.” She stared at her book.

“I know you think that I check out every girl that passes me, but I swear to you I would never cheat on you!”

She looked up for a short moment and could tell that he was serious.
“And why was she wearing your jumper, if I may ask? Any sleepover I don’t know of? Did she ran out of clothes?”

“What?” He frowned. “Was that my jumper? I don’t think so, because it looked a little short…”

“Yes, it was. I’ve been looking for it for days now, and today I found it- on another girl!”

“Jo, seriously, I have no idea how…” He suddenly paused. He was pretty sure someone was in their flat because a few things went missing. Was it possible that Maggy had something to do with it? But why? He didn’t even know her, and Jo didn’t seem to know her that well either. So why would she break into their flat?

Liam sighed and leaned back against one of the bookshelves. Today was this annoying Valentine’s Day, and he never gave a damn about it, but he was pretty sure Jo expected him to do something for her, so he pulled himself together and had organized something for later, despite thinking that Valentine’s Day was one of the most ridiculous inventions people came up with. But he did it for Jo, and that was all that mattered. He looked at her.

“Jo, do you believe me? I have seriously no idea how she got her hands on that jumper, and I really didn’t flirt with her, she just came up to me, and I didn’t want it, okay?”

Jo knew how he looked when he lied, and right now he didn’t. He was honest, she could tell.
“I want the jumper back”, she mumbled. “It’s mine…”

Liam grinned. “You want me to run after her and rip it off?”, he asked playfully and made sure that she knew it was a joke.

“Only when I can come as well and rip out her hair.” She smiled.

“Deal.”

Liam kissed her gently. “I’ll get you a new Mickey Mouse jumper and no worries I will were it for two weeks none stop so that is looks old again. How does this sound?”

“Thanks.”

“Okay you gonna work on your dissertation and I gone swing by your father, he said he has a book what I would like. After that I will go the store and do some shopping. You are home for dinner right?””

“Yeah I guess.” Jo was already reading her book. Liam smiled if he would just know that Jo’s mind was not at all by the book she was reading.
Jo sneaked home and left a note on the kitchen table for Liam, she had a Valentine’s Day surprise.

In the evening Jo went upstairs to prepare the star gazing date with Liam. Jo was huddled into a warm blanket, she was waiting since two hours.

“Enough is enough!” Very angry she packed everything and went home. How could Liam do this to her? How could he not show up? She got just out of the hot shower.

“Did you have a nice evening? I can’t believe you did this!” Jo snapped at him.

“Me? What the hell. It was you who did this to me.” Liam was just as angry.

Jo looked at him, she hadn’t noticed the big basket he had put down in the kitchen. “I’m going to bed good night.” Without another word Jo left him standing in the kitchen. Not soon after her Liam came to bed, both teenagers were lying at the furthest edge of the bed. After an hour of lying awake Jo sighed, she couldn’t sleep.
She got up and went in the kitchen. Silent tears were running down her face. How could everything go so wrong? She sat down at the table where her typewriter was. She tried to put her feelings into a poem but most words she wrote were gibberish.

“Goddammit!” With a loud smashing sound Jo threw the typewriter against the wall. Within seconds Liam had turned on the light and looked at her. He first had considered leaving her alone, but her heavy sobbing made him be worried.

“Jo? Are you okay?” He asked gentle.

“No.” This was the first honest answer about her feelings she had given him in weeks. She couldn’t do this, she can’t make sure he is okay when he doesn’t want to show what he really feels, and she can’t tiptoe around him hoping the dreadful moment never comes.
She didn’t look at Liam, she was standing in the kitchen sobbing. Liam stepped closer to her wondering if she wanted him to come closer. Jo fell in his embrace. But she didn’t calm down as usually. Liam picked her up as if she weight nothing and sat down with her on the couch, holding her, just waiting for her to speak.
And Jo wasn’t even sure where to start.

“My professor hates my dissertation and he says either I should start all over again or maybe even consider in picking a new topic. Victor scares me, and Maggy wants to take you from me. And you will leave me anyway to catch up on all the lost time with Graham, and I’m sorry I sound selfish but you didn’t even tell me that you went to see him when you went to London in January. I always wanted a brother! Someone I can share the burden of being a Williams child, maybe that way my parents wouldn’t have want me to be this perfect daughter. I wasn’t allowed to make mistakes, or for the matter of facts act like a child at all. Mother thought I lost my mind when I had imaginary friends. And she sure thought it was dangerous that I had my last imaginary friend when I was ten. I never told her that it was just the last one I told her about. The last one disappeared when… when I met you. And I got this…”

Jo took a letter out of her pocket. She had written to the London Library asking for a job after she graduated. Well luckily most of the people there knew her father and she got a job beginning at the first September.

“And I really want my jumper back, how did she get it anyway? Why is this all happening? We were happy and now?”

Jo knew that she was babbling and it was hard to understand her but most of the things she didn’t understand herself.

“What if he hates me?”

Very slowly Jo was calming down, holding on tight to Liam’s shirt. “Why didn’t you show up tonight? I had it all planned, I mean I don’t even like Valentine’s day but I thought you expected something so I planned a date under the stars on the roof of the library but you ever showed up. I left you a note on the kitchen table.”She was calmer but still crying and Liam’s shirt started to be soaked with her tears.

“I broke my typewriter.”

Liam’s eyes wandered to the typewriter. “Yeah, I can see that…”
At least she didn’t throw it at me…
He knew Jo was not okay, and not just in the sense of ‘had a bad day’. She really seemed to struggle inside, and for the last weeks she had kept it in. He had noticed that something was wrong with her, but she made it really clear that she didn’t want to talk about it. He played with the idea to search for her brother, which would be a bit risky because he didn’t know how Jo would react, but he felt that it was something he just had to do. He would probably need some help, maybe he could ask John, he was usually good in finding people. God, what was it with bumping into lost family members lately? Which reminded him, he still hadn’t talked to Graham, he should be back by now. Why did he want to see him in the first place? He had no idea…

“Everything went wrong today! And where were you?”

“I was waiting for you on the other side of Oxford. You see the basket? Obviously not, because if you had seen it you would have known where I was.”

Jo looked up to him. “You had planned something?”

“Yeah…” Liam felt kind of stupid. “I hate Valentine’s day, I really do, but it’s my first Valentine’s day with a girlfriend, so I thought you expected me to do something…”

“And I thought you expected me to do something”, Jo mumbled.

Liam sighed. “Let’s just forget about this day.” He rubbed her shoulders. “And about the dissertation…I can help you, if you want. Or I can kick the professor’s ass and tell him not to treat you like that.”

Jo giggled. “You would do that, wouldn’t you?”

“Oh yes!”

“But maybe he was right, you know…Maybe it really does suck…”

“Nothing you write sucks, and I’m not saying that because your my girlfriend”, he said.

“You know what I think? Next time we plan anything special, let’s just ask Ricky for help, he knows how to plan those things…”

“Yeah, he seems like the kind of guy who knows how those things work”, Liam grinned.

“I feel sorry for him, he’s probably alone today”, Jo said. “I see if I get a hold of him tomorrow and invite him over for a movie or something.” She looked at Liam. “But please do me the favour and don’t run around in my underwear the next time, except if you want Ricky to dream weird dreams about you…”

“No!” Liam blushed. “Definitely not!” He hugged her gently. “So you’re okay?”

She hesitated with the answer. “I will be.”

Liam didn’t want to upset Jo, but he thought that it might be a good idea if she would talk to a professional about her problems. Of course she didn’t need to go to any institution like her mother, but she should at least once a week meet with someone who knew how to handle her issues. Liam wasn’t a psychologists, he was far from being one, so he knew that he would eventually get to a point where he no longer was able to offer her help, at least not the help she needed. Liam would have to carefully suggest the idea how her seeing a psychologist, but not tonight.

The next morning Liam woke up early and wanted to make breakfast, but he realized that they were out of food, their fridge was almost completely empty. He went to the bakery, and while he waited for the other two customers to be served, his eyes wandered to the flyers on the noticeboard next to the door. He suddenly forgot about everything else, walked to the board and took the flyer that caught his attention. The London Philharmonic Orchestra, together with special guest pianist Graham Hart would give a concert tonight at 8 in London. Liam looked up from the flyer. He quickly folded the flyer together, put it into his pocket and left the bakery, completely forgetting to get some food.

“Where were you?”, Jo asked when he entered the flat.

“I just…um…I went to the bakery.”

Jo stared at his empty hands. “Did you already eat everything on your way to the flat?”, she asked teasingly.

“What…oh…I forgot the….um…I’ll get it!”

“Wait!”, Jo said before he ran out of the door again. “I just called Ricky, he’s coming over later this afternoon. Is that okay with you?”

“Sure. Um…but I won’t be here this afternoon, I have to go to London. Dick needs something from me, it’s really important”, he said, turned around and left the flat.

“Oh.” Jo bit her lip. “Okay. Sure. I can watch with Ricky alone a movie, and um that way I can… burn my dissertation and start from scratch. When are you coming back?”

“I think tomorrow.” Liam couldn’t see her face but he heard in her voice that she was upset. “Jo?”

“I’m okay, it’s fine really I can watch a girly movie and talk about boys. Have fun with Dick.” Jo kissed him and smiled. Jo knew that he not went to see Dick, but Jo didn’t say anything. When he didn’t want to tell her that he was meeting Graham she wouldn’t talk about it either.
Liam left soon after that to catch the train to London. As soon he was gone Jo called Ricky.

“Hey Ricky, listen would you mind coming earlier? Liam isn’t here and…”

“Sure thing I come right over. My mom brought me chicken salad I bring it alone. Oh and she made chocolate cake.”

Not even twenty minutes later Ricky and Jo were settled on the couch, for a moment Jo hesitated but then Ricky pulled her into a hug.

“I guess I don’t have to ask if you are okay.”

Jo snuggled into his chest, it was different than being with Liam. But it was still nice.

“Liam found his dad and he is meeting him today, and he didn’t tell me. He said he is meeting Dick.”

“He never met him, until now.” Jo shook her head. “But isn’t that nice? That Liam has found his dad?”

“I know. It’s just… do you think he leaves me?”

“What? No way. Have you seen the look on his face when he looks at you? The guy really loves you! He would leave you for nothing or no one.”

“I’m sorry I shouldn’t talk with you about Liam.”

“Are you kidding me? There is nothing cooler than talk with me. It make me feel important.”

Jo kissed Ricky on the cheek. “You are important. I gonna find someone for you who loves you just as much.”

“So you admit that Liam loves you?” Ricky grinned at her.

“I might after I had a huge slice of this chocolate cake. Hey Ricky?”

Ricky cut the cake, handed her a plate and put his arm back around her shoulders.

“Yes baby?”

“You can cook right? Can you teach me how to cook?”

“Sure, it is actually not that difficult. Hey did you hear bacl from the library?”

Jo smiled. "Yup I got the job and don't think Liam was happy that I just managed that we can move to London in September."

"When did you tell him?"

"Erm, last night when I had a minor breakdown, and threw the typewriter against the wall."

"Maybe he was a little distracted by that."

"Maybe but I still thought he would say something about it."

"He will, as soon he knows how to deal with you little Miss Sensitive."

"Hey!" Jo laughed and punched him playfully.

Jo and Ricky had a good afternoon watching movies, eating cake and chicken salad and having lots of hot chocolate. Jo and Ricky fell asleep snuggled together on the couch. Jo actually felt a little better about Liam and his dad.

Liam was neither properly dressed for the concert nor did he have any tickets, since it was a completely spontaneous trip. He wasn’t even really sure what he was doing here in the first place.
Due to his work he had some experience in sneaking in without others noticing it, so that’s what he did. The concert hall was completely sold out, but he didn’t need to have a seat, he found his own perfect space. He watched the concert from the loft above the concert hall, and he had a perfect view of the stage. It was definitely a beautiful concert and the orchestra played many pieces by Tchaikovsky, his favourite composer, but when he heard the first notes of the final song, he held his breath. To My Heroine was not only performed by Graham, but by the entire London Philharmonic Orchestra, in front of hundreds of people. Liam suddenly realized that this song, which was dedicated to no other than his mother, was heard and loved by so many people, and it made him smile. He also came to realize why he was here. If his mother knew that he had met Graham, she would have wanted him to forgive him. To forgive didn’t automatically mean to forget, and Liam would never forget what Graham did, but he knew that his mother would want him to forgive. She had such a great heart, and Liam had no doubt that she already forgave Graham by the time she died, even though she never told him. And now it was his turn. He knew his mother would have wanted him to.
While Liam listened to the song he wondered if his mum had listened to it before, maybe secretly, without him knowing. At least he finally understood why she never wanted him to play the piano. She didn’t mind any other instrument, but she never wanted him to learn the piano. He would have reminded her too much of the one person she didn’t want to be reminded of.
As soon as the final song was finished and the audience applauded, Liam climbed down from the loft and looked for a way to get behind the stage. Which, he had to realize, was quite a challenge because two security guards blocked the way, and he knew that his blue-eyed-little-puppy-look didn’t always work on men. He was hiding behind a table, and when a tall guy who seemed to be one of the staff passed the security guards, Liam hid behind him and snuck in without the guards noticing it. As soon as he had reached the room behind the stage, he saw the door opening, and he ran behind the curtains, but the accidently pulled them down and lay on the floor, the curtains on top of him. He held his breath and hoped nobody would notice him underneath the curtains. He didn’t exactly know why he was hiding from the members of the orchestra, but now it was too late anyway. While the people who just entered the room kept on talking, he wondered if he was in the wrong room and would miss Graham, but then he recognized his voice.
Okay, I can either stay under the curtain and hope that the other guys just go away, or I just get up…

Liam sighed. This was ridiculous. Those were musicians, what could they do to him? Hit him with a clarinet?
He slowly sat up and put the curtain aside, scaring the woman standing next to him half to death.
“I’m sorry…”

“Liam?” Graham looked both shocked and surprised at him. “What…why were you…?”

“I didn’t mean to lie on the floor, and the curtains just…well…dropped on me, or I accidently pulled them down…well…it doesn’t matter!” He tried to ignore the other people in the room, who looked confused from him to Graham.

“Would you mind leaving us alone for a moment?”, Graham asked the others, who nodded and left the room.

This was really awkward. Obviously for both, because Graham didn’t look particularly relaxed either. He was just about to say something when Liam already started.

“The poem.”
Silence.
He took a deep breath. “Mum’s poem…”

“Why did you give it back to me?”

“It’s yours.” Liam stared at the floor. “It wasn’t right for me to keep it.”

Another awkward silence followed.
“I watched the concert…”, he mumbled.

“Did you?”

“Well, I watched it illegally, I snuck in without a ticket and hid in the loft.” He still kept his eyes on the floor, but he could hear Graham chuckle. “Um…I just…”
God, why was it so damn hard to talk to him?!

“She would have loved it.” He finally looked up, and it still freaked him out that he recognized more and more similarities between him and Graham, even if it was just something less significant like the tiny dimple in his right cheek when he smiled, but suddenly all those things mattered.
“And I’m not here to talk about my childhood or catch up on old times, I’m just…I just…” He took another deep breath and looked his father right into his eyes. “I don’t hate you. I tried, believe me. I’m still trying…but I guess I suck in that. I just…I can’t.” He shrugged his shoulders.

Graham looked at him quietly. A barely visible smile appeared on his face. “Can I ask you something, just a plain, simple question?”

“Um…okay…”

“When is your birthday?”

“What?” He looked confused. “My birthday?”

Graham nodded.

Liam scrutinized the floor. “March.”

“So next month already? What day?”

“Um…” He looked up, almost shyly. “Don’t laugh, okay?”

“Why would I?”

“It’s March 17th.”

“March 17th?” Graham raised his eyebrows. “Really?”

“Yepp.”

“March 17th?” He looked like he was about to laugh. “You were born on St.Patrick’s Day, out of all 365 days?” He grinned. “That is…”

“I know.Tacky.”

“No.” Graham shook his head. “It’s a great day. And it fits you perfectly.”

“Why did you ask?”

“Because I wanted to know the day my son was born…oh, I’m sorry, I probably shouldn’t have called you that…”

Liam looked at him. “I prefer Liam, but…the other word is kind of okay too, somehow, I guess…” A smiled crossed his face.
~~~

The next day Liam arrived early in Oxford. He had spent the night in his flat, a bit disappointed that Dick wasn’t there, because he started to really miss him (which he would never admit, especially not in front of Dick), but he got up early anyway and got back to Oxford around 9 in the morning.
He opened the door and entered the flat quietly in case Jo was sleeping- which she was, next to Ricky, on the couch, both huddled together.
“Ahem… He cleared his throat. Of course he knew Ricky was no competition, but he still didn’t like Jo sleeping next to another dude, even if that dude liked to watch chick flicks, could cook and was able to list every musical by heart.

Jo had a weird dream. She dreamed that Liam was travelling with Graham and Ricky joined them to be there style assistant. And no one of the three wanted to see her ever again.
Suddenly something woke her luckily from that dream. She didn’t want to get up it was nice here, in his arms.

Wait this is not Liam!

Jo shot up and looked confused around, until she remembered Liam was in London and Ricky was keeping her company.
Liam was standing behind the couch.

“Liam. Hey your back. How is Dick?” Jo mumbled groggily. She looked back at the waking up Ricky. “Oh Liam nothing happened, I mean with Ricky.”

Liam looked tired, but different. Ricky got up. “Morning, oh man my hair is a mess.” Ricky mumbled. When he looked up and saw Liam. He shot up from the couch and looked at him in horror. “I swear nothing happen between me and Jo.”

Liam yawned. “I know man.”

“Really!” Ricky looked worried at Liam.

“Ricky it’s okay really.”

Jo moaned still cuddled into the couch. “Sleepy. Light. Loud.”

Liam chuckled, Jo was just as grumpy as usual.

“I think I better go. I never planned to stay overnight. I swear Liam I didn’t touch Jo.” Ricky collected his things and left rather hastily.

Jo go up slowly, since she still didn’t had a new typewriter she went back to read her dissertation and tried to fix it, but she had to admit it was really badly written. She watched him, he tried to kept busy but he was distracted.
It was late afternoon, when Jo was sick of this whole we are together but don’t speak, I have to have breakdowns at night because my boyfriend doesn’t care for me anymore.

“How is your father?” She asked in a very untypical sarcastic voice. “Did you at least say hi from me to Graham?”

---

Listen thise while you read post 188 to 206

Liam looked up from the book he was reading. He expected Jo to find out anyway, after all, she wasn’t dumb, but it was the way she said it that alarmed him. Did she actually sound…jealous?

“I just needed to sort things out…” He went back to his book. “That’s okay, isn’t it? That I want things to be right between me and him…”

“I don’t have anything against that, but what really bothers me is your dishonesty. You lied to me, Liam.”

She had a point there. He didn’t even know why he lied to her, it wasn’t like he met another girl in London, so why did he make a secret out of it? Maybe because he sensed that she wouldn’t have reacted so well.
He ignored her and continued reading, which seemed to upset her.

“Can you at least tell me why you lied?”

Liam rolled his eyes and closed the book. “You know, if I wouldn’t know it any better I would say you’re jealous. Are you, Jo?”

Jo looked at him thinking about what he had said. Was she jealous? Maybe?

"No I'm not jealous, I just don't get it since we everything you do and think is one huge big secret. Ever thought about how I feel when I have to tiptoe around you because I'm too damn scared to hurt your feelings. I don't even know where we stand with Graham. Do we like him, accept him, hate him, ignore him, or just keep seeing him as my piano teacher."

She had difficulties to ban the criticism out of her voice.

Liam opened his book again. He was really not in the mood to talk to Jo right not, not when she was in that weird mood.
“Just don’t worry about it.” He couldn’t see Jo’s face. If he had seen it, he’d knew that he better start apologizing as soon as possible, but since he successfully ignored her he didn’t know that he was dangerously close to piss her off.

"Don't worry about it? You are kidding? Do you really think you can keep me out of this? I'm a part of it Liam. I thought we are together?"

Why was he such a jerk since, basically New Years Eve.

“Jo, I feel like you get jealous for some really ridiculous reasons. You’re like one of those chicks who cling on to their boyfriend 24 hours, seven days a week, and if he dares to go to the bathroom alone they already freak out, because there’s a window and the possibility that he could squeeze himself through that window and run off.” Liam felt bad being so blunt to her, but it bothered him for a while now. “You know, guys need some space too, just once in a while, and don’t need their girlfriend to bombard them with questions all the time.”
Okay, that was a bit too harsh…

Jo looked at him in shock. “I’m not clingy! You have tons of space but you are not doing any with it. All you do is run off and try to get killed because you have nothing left worth living for. I’m sorry I’m holding you back. Maybe you are right and I should simply marry Victor, have a miserable live give birth to a few kids and kill myself before I’m 25.”

Jo threw her empty tea cup in the sink that it shattered.

“I can’t believe you think I’m a clingy girlfriend. Maybe you should have a job that doesn’t have a 99% being killed chance.”

“Geez, Jo, aren’t you exaggerating a little?”, he asked sarcastically. “I know that you don’t like my job, but it’s still better than living off your parents’ money. At least I earn my own money, not like some other people who were fed with a silver spoon their entire life.” Liam stared at the pages of his book but couldn’t focus anymore. “And if you’re so dying to have someone with a job that has no 99% being killed chance, then go ahead and marry Victor. He doesn’t seem to have problems living off your parents’ money.”

“Do you think it is fun to be fed with a fucking silver spoon from a nanny while my parents are God knows where? I never wanted all this money. What am I suppose to do make my parents hate me and disinherit me? I never asked to have all this stupid money. You should really know that I would rather stay alone then ever marry Victor! I don’t love him or ever loved him, I love you! Do you really don’t understand how I feel when you go off to catch some bad boys, I never know where you go, when you come back, or what name you are using. Don’t get me wrong I know there need to be people that have to do this but does it has to be you?”

“Well, guess what? I actually like what I’m doing, but you don’t understand it anyway because your parents probably told you that your future husband as to be a lawyer or doctor or some guy with a royal title in his name.”

“Even if they told me that, I never cared about those things, and you know that! I just don’t want you to get killed! Is this such a bad thing to wish for?” Jo stood on the opposite side of the room, her arms crossed.

“You’re just too dramatic, seriously. I’m not going to get killed”, Liam replied. He heard Jo mumbling something in the background. “What was that?”

“Just don’t worry about it”, she said cynically.

He turned around to look at her. “No, just tell me.”

“I also don’t get your why you’re still sharing a flat with Dick…”

Liam pressed his lips together. “What are you saying?”

“I’m just wondering that you are living with a dude together that is clearly a psychopath, maybe he has his nice moments but still. You didn’t even say anything that I got a job at the London Library. I took this job for you, so that you can be in London again, because you hate Oxford so much. I’m surprised you are here all the time.”

Jo hated this, what happened to them. They were yelling at each other and saying all those mean things.

“Maybe you should just go back to your Dick, that way you would have your daddy close by and no annoying girlfriend.”

She didn’t want him to go, maybe he was right and she is clingy? No she wasn’t she wanted to be with him, and not this Liam that told lies to her like she was just someone he used while he is on a mission.

“Hey, I know that Dick is a bit…um…different, but he’s not a psychopath. He’s a sociopath, that’s something else.” Was he actually feeling protective about Dick? Ahem.Yes.
“Are you aware that you sound jealous again? Are you jealous of Dick? You think I could like him better than you?”

“Bullshit! That has nothing to do with jealousy.”

“And you don’t have to take a job in London just because you think you have to. Nobody forces you.” Liam looked coldly at her. “And I have nothing against Oxford, I just hate that I can’t do anything in this flat.”

“Nothing? What do you mean, nothing?”

“I can’t do any experiments whatsoever. I have to sit and draw sketches in a book like a little school boy! So guess how much I like being on a job, that means that I can actually do something.”

“I never stopped you from doing any experiments. And you know that’s kind of the point of a relationship, you make compromises and things you do for each other. I don’t mind living in London after I graduated.”

Jo sighed.

“How can you say I’m jealous on your only friend you had and your father you have never met. You can’t tell me that you enjoy seeing me hang out with people I don’t like but they are in my classes. All I want you is to be happy, but lately you seem happier with everyone else than me. You look at me differently. There was a time you looked at me like you look at all the other girls. But not since you met Maggy, I’m invisible. When I’m not your type why did you fall in love with me in the first place?”

Did she really still question his love for her? After everything he did for her? How could she do this?

“Maggy? Are you serious? I told I don’t give a damn about her! She’s like a female Victor…so she is not my type.”
Female Victor. If this whole situation wouldn’t have been so serious, he would have laughed, but he didn’t feel like it right now.
“And why are you asking me why I fell in love with you?”

“Come on, before you met me you only looked at women with longs legs and big boobs, don’t deny it. You’re still looking at them. And how on earth did I get you attention, I’m obviously not womanly enough for you!”

“What?” Liam just stared at her. “This is ridiculous! And I don’t ignore, I’m just…” He paused for a moment because he wasn’t sure how to say it. “I’m just annoyed that you tiptoe around, scared that I could leave you any second. It’s like you’re desperately waiting for me to leave…”