Growing Up

It was beginning of April, the weekend after Ricky’s birthday, when Jo invited him and Alfie over for dinner that she was going to cook herself. Ricky had so often cooked for her that she wanted to return the favour, she wouldn’t even allow him to help her in the kitchen, she wanted to do this for him, and completely on her own. While she stood in the kitchen the past two hours, Liam had watched the girls and kept them busy, and by the time Ricky and Alfie arrived, both girls had fallen asleep and he put them down in their nurseries.

“Happy belated birthday, Ricky”, Jo said, hugging her best friend tightly. “You don’t look a day older than sixteen, I swear.”

“Thank you, that’s nice to hear”, he said teasingly. “And thank you very much for inviting us, we really appreciate that. Isn’t that right, Alfie?” He looked at his boyfriend with one raised eyebrow, and when Alfie didn’t react, he poked him.

“Indeed”, Alfie replied dryly.

“Where are the girls?”, Ricky asked, and Alfie just rolled his eyes.

“They just fell asleep, they are in their nurseries.” Liam showed up behind his wife and put his hands on her shoulders. “This one has been in the kitchen for hours, so I spent time with the girls and apparently I kind of wore them both out.”

“Jo, you shouldn’t have gone through all that trouble”, Ricky said. “Honestly, I just-“

“Nonsense!”, she interrupted him. “I really wanted to do this for you, you deserve to be spoilt a little, you always work so hard.”

“Now you’re making me blush.”

“You just can’t take any compliments, my dear”, she said with a grin. “By the way, it’s the first time I dared to make a real soufflé, you know, the one you tried to teach me but I always failed. I think I really got it this time.”

“Wow, look at you, all housewifey, cooking and cleaning”, Ricky said teasingly. “I remember how hopeless you were in the kitchen when we first met.”

“Oh yes, back then I only needed to look at the picture of a soufflé and it was already ruined. Anyway, I hope you all are hungry, I probably made enough for the whole town.”

“Watch your carbohydrates, you don’t want to get chubby”, Alfie said to Ricky, not in a joking but a very matter-of-factly way. “Since you don’t go to the gym or do any other sport, you have to watch those things.”

Ricky looked a bit shy. “I know.” He didn’t look at Jo, otherwise he would have seen the outraged expression on her face.

Jo knew that Alfie had difficulties showing emotions, he was even worse than Liam when it came to that, but she had hoped that he would at least be a little nicer to Ricky. She was still not sure what exactly Alfie’s intentions were towards Ricky, when they were among other he at least treated him like he was one of his servants or he just plainly ignored him. Ricky assured her it was all just a cover, and so many times he had told her that Alfie was really different to him and actually kind and caring, but Jo just couldn’t imagine it, since she had obviously never witnessed any of that kind side before. Alfie still scared her now and then, so she normally didn’t dare to speak up to him, but this time she took a deep breath and couldn’t hold it back any longer. That moment Jane started to cry, and Liam quickly went to her nursery, followed by Ricky who wanted to take a look at the girls and help him, so it was just Jo and Alfie, which was always a bit awkward. She didn’t know what to say to him, and he just ignored her- as always. But this time she had something to say, and she sure as hell wouldn’t be quiet again.
“Do you actually care about Ricky at all?” It just slipped out like that, but Jo took all her courage and didn’t even blink while she asked him.

“Excuse me?” There was not one single emotion on his face, it was completely blank, but Jo didn’t lower her eyes, she looked almost challenging at him.

“I know it’s not my business, but-“

“You’re right, it’s not your business”, Alfie said dryly, but not in a mean way, just very indifferent.

Jo took another deep breath. She wanted to ask him directly what Ricky meant to him, why he had chosen him out of all people, but instead she just said the one thing that was constantly on her mind:
“You don’t know the first thing about Ricky, do you?”
She didn’t expect him to answer. In fact, she was pretty sure he would ignore her, but to her surprise it came very different.

“His favourite flowers are daffodils”, Alfie said while he got out a flask and took a sip, then put it back in the pocket of his blazer. “He says daffodils are happy flower, which sounds weird, because flower can’t be happy, but he keeps saying that they belong to the cheerful flowers, not like carnations that belong on a grave. His favourite colour is blue, which people would never guess, since he looks more like the type who likes pastel colours, but yes, he likes blue the most. A very light blue, not the dark one. He always carries a hair comb with him because he worries that his hair gets messed up from the wind, which, of course, happens all the time since we’re in England, so yeah, there’s wind and he gets really annoyed by it, so as soon as he thinks he’s safe inside, he gets the comb out and puts his hair back into place. He likes all Austens and Dickens, but I know that his favourite book is The Diary of Anne Frank. He has a cover of it in his nightstand, and he often reads through it when he thinks I’m asleep. He still cries while he’s reading it, even though he had read it a thousand times. Once I took the book out of the nightstand and saw that he had underlined all his favourite lines, and they all had to do with either freedom or hope.” Alfie paused for a moment, completely ignoring Jo’s shocked and incredibly surprised face. “He likes carrots only cooked, and he cuts pasta in a way that would drive every proper Italian completely crazy. He doesn’t really like butter, so he usually uses margarine. He doesn’t drink coffee, only tea, with one and a half spoons of sugar and a bit of milk. He tries to deny it but I know that he used to have a crush on Marlon Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire, which I really don’t get because I don’t think a poor Polish drunk guy is very appealing, but I already noticed that in all those old black and white movies Ricky always had a thing for the bad guys. Well, and he obviously always had that thing for Paul McCartney, which I don’t get either, but that’s fine. I can always tell what mood he’s in according to what Beatles songs he listens to. When he’s in a good mood, he mostly listens to Penny Lane, She loves you, Help, and Here comes the Sun. When he’s depressed or had a stressful day, he listens to Michelle, Let it be, and I'm only sleeping. Now when he’s really sad, not stressed, just sad, he listens to Hey Jude, which is a really strange song to listen to when you’re sad, but he does. All the time. The typical choice would be Yesterday, you might think, but no, for him it’s Hey Jude. His favourite artists are the impressionists, like Monet and Renoir. He sees so much in those paintings, it’s sometimes crazy how much he sees when nobody else sees it. He always falls asleep while lying on his left side, and he often talks in his sleep, but I barely can make out the words. He likes the sound of rain on the window, and he enjoys watching it even more than listening to it. I probably don’t need to mention that he’s totally into musicals, and he adores Grace Kelly. He said if he was straight, he would have a crush on her. Which I actually get, because she isn’t too shabby looking. Well, at least she used to look nice, now she’s all old and wrinkly.” He was quiet for a moment. “He’s scared of spiders. Well, he’s generally scared of everything that crawls, but spiders are the worst. He loves Tchaikovsky, especially all the music Tchaikovsky composed for the ballet. He’s not a fan of Chopin, and he finds Beethoven quite depressing most of the time. He often looks at the hands of people, I don’t know why, but he has a thing with hands. He can often tell what kind of person someone is by looking at their hands, which I find silly, but he actually has proven me wrong because he really did guess the peoples’ characters just by looking at their hands. His favourite season is spring, he’s into all that flower stuff going on. His favourite fairy tale is Cinderella, because he likes that a poor girl who slept in ashes became a queen later. He calls that justice.” Alfie finally looked at Jo, still no expression on his face. “You’re probably right, I don’t know the first thing about him.”

Jo bit her lip. She wanted to say something, but she was so caught off and surprised about what just happened that she had no words for it, and when she finally opened her mouth, Alfie turned away and shoved his hands into his pockets.
“I need something to drink”, he said, not referring to water, of course. He still had some whiskey left in his flask but he didn’t feel like sitting here with Liam’s wife who would probably start asking him questions soon if he wouldn’t escape from her on time, so he left the room without giving her the chance to say something.

Jo starred at the table in front of her. This was so weird, nearly freaky how well Alfie knew Ricky she wasn’t even sure if Liam knew her that well.

Just as Alfie was actually considering leaving he ran into Liam and Ricky both smiling well Ricky more than Liam but still. “Hey what are you doing out here?” Ricky asked Alfie as he hugged him, Liam saw that the two needed a moment alone so he went into the kitchen.

“Hey darling what is wrong with Alfie?” Liam asked as he kissed Jo and sat down on his seat.

“I might have said something he didn’t like to hear.” Jo blushed.

Liam grinned at Jo. What did you do ask him how Ricky looks naked?”

“Liam!”

Meanwhile in the hallway.
“Alfie?” Ricky looked demanding at his boyfriend.

“I swear if you do not keep a leash on your Jo I will go before dessert.” Alfie kissed Ricky on the cheek. “She is a crazy witch.”

Without another word he went back into the kitchen to sit at the huge dining table. Ricky followed him looking confused at Jo but let it be.

“So shall we start dinner?” Ricky said trying to keep the atmosphere light.

It was a very nice dinner so far, even Alfie held back on inappropriate jokes, although once in a while one or two jokes slipped out, which made Liam laugh while Ricky and Jo were just staring at their two men with raised eyebrows, but other than that it was a very nice evening so far.

“Jo, have you finally managed to watch the film I recommended to you, Bedknobs and Broomsticks?”, Ricky asked his friend.

Alfie sighed. “Not that stupid film with the flying bed and the singing old lady again!”

“First of all, it’s an excellent film, and secondly, that lady is Angela Lansbury and she is not old.”

“Like I care who that lady is. She’s not even remotely hot.”

Ricky rolled his eyes and turned back to Jo. “Anyway, did you have time to see it yet?”

“Yes, I did.” Jo nodded. “I loved it, and so did Jane, she started humming every time someone broke into a song.”

“Which was almost every ten minutes”, Liam grumbled. “It was like a musical…”

“Well, that’s the whole point of it”, Jo replied sarcastically.

“So I guess your husband didn’t enjoy the film as much as you did?”, Ricky asked with a grin.

Jo looked over to Liam. “Well, he and Jill fell asleep after the first fifteen minutes, but Jane and I had a great time.”

“Well, you two know what’s good.” Ricky winked at her and then he and Jo got into a film and musical discussion, sorting out which films and musicals were great and which one rather to avoid. They got so into the subject that nobody noticed the way Alfie looked at Ricky while Ricky was talking excitedly about a new musical that had just opened up in London. It wasn’t that Alfie actually paid attention to what he said- he certainly did not pay any attention- but he looked at him completely lost in thoughts, watching him almost with admiration. His whole face had softened and he no longer looked like that intimidating, sarcastic man but rather like a younger school boy, though not as innocent as Ricky, but still unusually gentle looking. Nobody noticed that expression on his face, and he himself didn’t seem to realise that he was looking at Ricky in that almost loving manner- and then it happened.
Completely out of nowhere.
It just happened.

“I love you.”

Ricky stopped in the middle of his sentence, and all heads turned towards the person who just said that- Alfie.
The silence that followed was almost unbearable. Everybody just held their breath and stared at Alfie, not sure if they just misheard him or if he actually just said those three words. Jo’s eyes widened while Liam’s jaw dropped, and Ricky looked like he had just seen a ghost. However, it was Alfie who looked more shocked than all three of them combined. He obviously couldn’t believe himself what he just said. It had just slipped out, just like that. And he couldn’t take it back. Where the hell did that come from?! And now everyone was staring at him. Did he just really…did he actually say…

“Shit!” Alfie jumped up as if something had stung him and stormed out of the room.

Silence.
Liam, Jo and Ricky were still sitting there in shock, not able to say anything, still holding their breaths and still not sure whether this just really happened. Jo and Liam turned their heads very slowly to Ricky who looked like a garden statue, completely motionless. His heart really seemed to have stopped.

Liam was the first who finally found words. “I’m not sure if this morning, when I washed my face, some of the water got into my ears and kind of messed up my hearing system, because I think I just heard Alfie say…did he really…did he say…?”

Jo nodded very slowly. “I think there’s nothing wrong with your ears”, she almost whispered. “Because I heard the same. Or maybe I got too much water into my ears as well.”
They both looked at Ricky again, waiting for a reaction, but their friend seemed to be in some sort of catatonic shock.

“Geez…”, Liam mumbled. “Alfie said…he really…oh man, I always thought he would rather cut off his…um…you know…rather than saying those…words.”

“I thought so too.” Jo nodded, looking at Ricky again, but he just didn’t react. “Are you okay? Are you still breathing?”
Ricky stared at her without even blinking.

“I think I should check on Alfie”, Liam said and got up. “I’ve never seen him that freaked out. He already looked very freaked when he saw Sofiya at the Halloween party, but this today topped everything.”

“Okay, do that.” Jo still had troubles finding words, she was too shocked and disturbed and surprised, all at the same time.

Liam left the flat, it was obvious that Alfie wasn’t in their flat anymore, so he went downstairs to check if he was there, maybe hiding somewhere among the students because that was a place nobody would usually guess to find him, but there was no trace of his friend anywhere, and after he checked the other floors he knew that Alfie had left the building. Maybe it was better that way, he probably needed some time alone.

Liam came back and shook his head; Alfie was nowhere to be in the school. Jo was searching her mind for something to say but there was nothing. Ricky got up with shaking legs. “I… um… I have to go now.” Ricky whispered with a broken voice. He didn’t wait or thanked Jo for dinner but just walked out of the kitchen and all the way out of Waterfall Downs to his car. For a moment he was not sure what to do.

Where would Alfie go? Home, he would go home the safest place in the world.

Ricky drove rather slowly back to their flat he even lost his way a few times. It took him hours to get home. As expect Alfie was in their living room and the air smelled off whiskey and even smoke. Alfie never smoked so much not cigarettes unless he had a horrible day with his family, well and now Ricky. Alfie didn’t react he saw the blurry reflection of Ricky in his glass but he didn’t move. Ricky walked in and looked at Alfie, he knew that his boyfriend would not talk for a while now and maybe it was even the moment Ricky got too close and Alfie would end their relationship.

“Alfie listen, you don’t have to make such a huge deal about it. I mean that you said this is huge and it means the world to me but if you really want we never have to talk about this again. You do know I love you too and that you said what you feel is really important to me but I think I knew it before, before you said those words. The way you were with me made me feel that you love me. And if you want me to go away because I came too close to you, than… I know I go when you loved me.” Ricky didn’t touch Alfie even when he really wanted to, but he didn’t. He turned around and went upstairs and got ready for bed.
He was still alone when he was wearing his pyjama all ready for bed, Ricky read a few pages of The Diary of Anne Frank and then turned off the light but he couldn’t fall asleep. He was lying on his right sight wondering what Alfie was doing.

The possibly worst case has happened. Alfie had said something that he couldn’t remember ever saying to anyone. Perhaps when he was little he once said it to his grandfather, but that was only a distant memory, so deeply suppressed that he barely remembered any of it. Since he lost the only person he ever remotely cared about, he stopped feeling altogether. Any kind of feelings just vanished from one day to the next, and a few feelings that left traces were simply suppressed. He had learned that life was much easier if you just didn’t show feelings, and most importantly, feelings made you weak, and he couldn’t afford to be weak. But Sofiya had been right all along. He had become weak ever since he grew closer to Ricky, he had become weak and vulnerable, more than ever before. And now he was sitting in this mess and didn’t know how to get out of it again. It was Ricky’s fault that all the feelings Alfie had lost or supressed for so many years came back again. Feelings that Alfie wasn’t even aware of having in the first place. Alfie hated being vulnerable, it was something he wasn’t used to, but Ricky made him feel that way. The fact that he said those hideous three words was the final proof of how weak he had become. He really didn’t know how to deal with this, he didn’t even know how to look at Ricky when he came home, which, eventually he did, and when he started talking to him, Alfie didn’t even look into his direction.
It was about an hour after Ricky had gone upstairs that Alfie was thinking of going to bed as well, but when he went to the stairs he hesitated. He didn’t want to lie down next to Ricky. He just couldn’t be close to him right now. He knew it was ridiculous, but for some weird reason it kind of hurt to be so close to Ricky right now.
Alfie grabbed his coat and keys and went down to the garage. He actually got into one of his barely used and insanely expensive cars and drove just a little outside of the town, to his grandfather’s holiday house. On the way he had ignored various street signs and red lights, but that was nothing unusual for him. When he arrived at the house, he didn’t go to bed right away, he stayed in the living room for a while, his eyes fixed on the old pictures on top of the fireplace. For a moment he looked at that photo of the other young man named Scotty again and wondered who that boy really was, but then he had to think of Ricky and he put the picture down and sat on the couch, where, after another half an hour, he finally fell into a restless sleep.
The next day, around noon, Alfie got up and drove straight to the club. He still hadn’t called Ricky, so he had no idea where he was and what he was doing. Alfie hadn’t even checked in the mirror how he looked, but apparently he did look like he had a rough night, because everyone in the club who knew him raised their eyebrows or just stared at him as if they were looking at a ghost.

“Hey, what happened to you?” Tyler, one of the younger men, greeted him. Alfie knew Tyler, who came from one of Oxford’s fine families, and was a few years younger than him, yet still very precocious for his age and very open, just like himself. They often met in the club, having a drink and conversations about polo and the society they both liked to make fun of.

“Nothing.” Alfie was about to get rid of him and hide in his private room when suddenly something stopped him. While looking at the younger boy, he tried to remember the last time he had slept with another man, and it shocked him to really realise that it had been so long. All because of Ricky again. It was Ricky’s fault that Alfie felt bad after he slept with men, and just because of that he had stopped. Not anymore. Ricky had no right to make him feel bad. Who the hell did he think he was dealing with?
Of course Alfie noticed that Tyler was checking him out, he also noticed that he was getting flirty with him, which he had done before, but now that the two were alone and not surrounded by a group of other young Oxford men, Tyler didn’t even try to hide his flirtatiousness. Alfie banned any thoughts on Ricky for that moment and didn’t hesitate any longer. He needed to get rid of this vulnerability, and there was only one way to do that; become his old self again.

“You better be not busy right now.”

“I’m never too busy for you, Your Highness”, Tyler replied teasingly.

Alfie grabbed the other boy and pushed him into his private room.

Apparently it could get worse. Alfie had felt crappy enough yesterday when he realised he was becoming weak, but now, while he was putting his clothes back on, he felt a kind of guilt he had never felt before, not even after he had sex with Sofiya. It was the first time he ever felt like cheating on Ricky. Sleeping with another man just felt so wrong, he had no words for it. He just knew it felt ten times worse than everytime he was done with Sofiya and had to face his boy at home. Alfie almost stormed out of the club, he looked completely bewildered, as if he had no idea who and where he was, then he got into his car, but instead of going back to his grandfather’s place, he drove back to his flat. On one hand he couldn’t stand Ricky’s presence right now, on the other hand it was killing him not to be with him.
Alfie almost ran down the door to his flat and dropped his coat on the floor. When Ricky heard the noise he quickly ran to the front and his heart stopped at the sight of the older boy.

“Oh my God, Alfie…” Ricky stared shocked at his boyfriend who looked like he had been hit by a bus. “What…what happened? Where were you?” He dared to come closer and touched his arm. “I was worried sick about you.”

“I’m fine”, Alfie said with a coldness in his voice that finally confirmed that he was his father’s son.

Ricky had a hard time hiding the scared look on his face. “You should…ehm…here, sit down.” He led him to the couch, but Alfie didn’t look at him. Not for a second.
“You’re so cold”, Ricky mumbled after he had touched Alfie’s hand. “I’ll make you some tea, okay? Do you want me to cook you something? You look hungry. In fact, you look-“

“Goddamn, shut up for a second! Stop treating me like a child all the time, I’ve never been one, and I sure as hell never will be.”

Ricky looked so hurt and scared at the same time, but Alfie still avoided looking at him.
“I’m sorry”, Ricky mumbled.

“I fucked another man”, Alfie said without any expression in his voice. “Boy. Younger than me, younger than you.” He was quiet for a moment, just staring at a plain spot at the wall. “Don’t you even think about complaining. You knew exactly what you had gotten yourself into when you wanted to become my…my…when you moved in with me. I told you from the beginning that I don’t do relationships, that I will always do whatever I want, and that I will fuck as many people I want. Before you were in the picture, I slept with just as many men as women, sometimes even more men, and just because you’re living with me doesn’t mean that I can’t do that anymore. You can’t change me, do you understand?” Of course he didn’t mention how horrible he felt after he had been with this boy. How wrong it felt. How much he missed his penguin. How he kept comparing the other guy to the one person that could not be replaced, by no one.
He finally looked at Ricky and before he could start to feel bad- which he would, because the way Ricky looked was absolutely heart-breaking- he said what had been on his mind the entire time.
“This whole…us…we weren’t supposed to happen. I wasn’t…I wasn’t prepared for this.” He took a deep breath. “You weren’t supposed to happen."

Ricky looked at Alfie not able to hold back the tears anymore and after a long while he said with a trembling voice. “Maybe Jo was right and I should have never agreed to your invite to lunch.”

Ricky went to the table where his back was standing.

“Where are you going?” Alfie sounded a lot like as if he thought he had the right to decide where Ricky would go.

“To work. There are people in this world that work and not just fuck others, drink whiskey and smoking cigars.” Ricky shook his head and went to the door but he stopped in the middle of it. “I knew what I signed up for when I moved in but I never thought you would hurt me with your affairs like you did right now. I never asked you to stop because I know that you don’t want to be a one person guy the only person I ever asked you to not sleep with is Sofiya and you could not even hold this promise. But whatever you fuck who you want and I start turning into you, becoming a heartless cold… lonely man.” Ricky stormed out of the flat before he would turn around and apologize for what he had said.

“You are not a man you are a boy.” Alfie whispered.

Ricky got into his old car the one that nearly fell apart every second and drove to Waterfall Downs.

“Hey Jo I know you are busy and all but do you mind if I hide here for a while?” Ricky asked as Jo.

“Of course. What happened?” Jo asked as she made a cup of tea and Ricky started talking. After a while Ricky went actually in his own office in town and Jo went to find Liam. “Liam you need to talk to your friend Alfie. You heard what he said last night in three words and before that he showed that he really loves Ricky and he just slept with another man and bragged in front of Ricky about. Liam Alfie is out of his mind. I mean think about it how Alfie is acting if you would act like this I would… it would break me and I am surprised Ricky is still whole and fighting for them. Liam please I know you don’t like talking about feelings but… last year… um in summer people talked to you to make you see that you were doing something wrong and I hope you appreciate that they did. Please Liam.” Jo hugged her husband tightly. She was upset that their friends’ relationship was in such a bad state.

Liam looked quietly at his wife for a moment while he had to think about the long conversation he had with the reverend that time after he had been so horrible to Jo, and also Lorelai getting some sense into him, and the more calm conversation Graham had with him a few days afterwards. Of course nobody had to tell him what he had done wrong, he knew it the second he did it, but it was still good to have people talk sense into you, especially in situations like that.

“Ehm…are you sure Ricky isn’t…um…you know, he’s often a bit too sensitive, maybe for him it’s worse than it actually is and-“

“No.” Jo shook her head. “I know you always get along great with Alfie because you’re pretty much the only person he’s nice to, but I know a very different side of him, and he can be very, very cruel and I don’t think Ricky is exaggerating here.”

“Okay, I’ll check on Alfie.”

“I don’t want you to check on him, you have to talk to him, and not about booze and girls, okay? You need to talk some sense into him. I know he doesn’t listen to anybody, but you’re pretty much the only person he remotely pays attention to, so please do this, especially for Ricky’s sake.”

“Okay, okay, I got it”, Liam answered. “But don’t expect any miracles, it’s Alfie after all, and like you said, he doesn’t listen to anyone.”

“But you can try your best.”

“I’ll do that, no worries.” He kissed her on the cheek, then he grabbed his jacket and left the flat.
Liam actually took the car –not that his driving skills had improved- but if he had taken the bike it would have taken too long to get to Alfie’s flat, and he hated calling Charles and let himself drive around like a snobby spoilt brat.
Liam was almost expecting no answer of his friend, but to his surprise Alfie let him in. He looked tired and his hair was unusually messy, like he just gotten out of bed.

“I was reading something”, Alfie said dryly without looking too much at Liam. He just sat back down in the arm chair and picked up his book, but he wasn’t reading it.

“Um…” Liam hesitated for a moment, he and Alfie usually didn’t talk about those kind of things, so it felt a bit weird, but Jo was counting on him. “Is everything okay?”

Alfie just stared at his book, he didn’t even bother making up an excuse.

“Well…I know things are not really okay, Ricky was in pretty bad shape when he came to us, so-“

“He drove?” Alfie sounded more concerned than he wanted to.

“I guess. He went back to work though. Anyway…” Liam sat down on the couch, both hands in his pockets. “Look, man, I know it’s not my business to butt in like this, but you’re probably…no, I know that you must be freaked right now because of what…um…the stuff you said. It sounds silly but after being with Jo for so long I still have issues saying…you know…that…and people don’t get why, and it’s hard to explain why, but I get you, I really do. See, I don’t like to say it because from past experiences I lost the people I said it to, so I still have a hard time saying it to Jo because it’s stuck in my head that whenever I say it, I’m going to lose the person who-“

“It’s not the same”, Alfie interrupted him almost coldly. “You have no idea.”

“I think I do”, Liam replied calmly. “I don’t always know what’s going on in that head of yours, and most of the time I’m glad I don’t know all about the things that are going on there, but I know you to a certain extent, and I could tell that you were freaked out as hell when you said…you know…that stuff. I know we grew up very differently and that you’re from a family where feelings don’t have a place, and you think you can’t afford to show feelings, but nobody is heartless.”

“My family is.”

“You’re not”, Liam said without any hesitation. It wasn’t actually that hard to talk with him about those things after all. “I’m not saying that you’re a softie, you’re definitely not, but having a heart is just something that makes you human, you know? And don’t get me wrong, I don’t really know what’s going on with you and Ricky, I mean, the kind of…relationship you two have, but I can tell that you care about him a lot because you are always very protective about him, and I know that when you’re protective about someone, you really care about them, otherwise you wouldn’t care what happens to them.”

Alfie sighed quietly. “I feel like I’m in a bloody therapy session.”

“Sorry, you know that I usually don’t talk about that stuff, and don’t worry, this is not going to be a habit from now on, I promise. I just…I don’t want you to do this mistake…”

“What mistake?”

“Pushing away the person you care about.” Liam watched his friend quietly for a moment. “I know you probably want to deny it, but you have changed since Ricky came into the picture. I have changed too since I met Jo, and with her came a whole bunch of new feelings that I didn’t like in the beginning because they were kind of overwhelming, but you’ll get used to it because at one point it won’t matter anymore. All that matters is that you’re not alone anymore, and that you know that you have someone who actually cares about you, and Ricky…boy, that guy cares about you. So instead of hating him for the fact that he makes you feel something, you should let him know how much he changed for the better, and he has changed so much for the better, hasn’t he?”

Alfie didn’t answer, he just stared blankly at his book.

“Do you want to have your old life back? Before you met Ricky?”

“No.” It was a very quiet no, but Liam could hear it.

“So that means that you like what he changed, right? You like that someone cares about you, you’re just a little overwhelmed with the fact that you care about someone too, because obviously you have very little experience when it comes to that, but that doesn’t mean that you can let out your anger on Ricky, just because he’s the person who makes you feel something you’re not used to.”

“Is there any end to this speech?”, Alfie mumbled sarcastically.

“I’m leaving now if you want to, I know you hate being lectured, don’t worry.” Liam got up, but he kept his eyes on his friend. “Look, Ricky isn’t one of the best guys, he is the best guy. Dude, if I even remotely believed in heaven, I knew one thing for sure; he would have the best place right up there, because he really is that good and kind, and I realise that I sound more gay than I intended to, so I’m glad Jo isn’t listening to this right now. Anyway…” He cleared his throat. “Just don’t be so hard on him because he makes you feel something. Something that’s actually good, you know? I know you’re not used to it, but don’t take it out on that one guy who really cares about you.”

“Was he okay?”, Alfie asked quietly.

“Sorry?”

“Was he okay when he got to your house?”

“Well, he was an emotional wreck, but nothing happened, he didn’t drive into a tree if that is what you mean by ‘okay’.”

Alfie nodded quietly and pretended to be focused on his book, and Liam was about to walk out the door when Alfie looked up from the book.
“Of course he will have the best spot in heaven”, he said very matter-of-factly. “I’m just trying to put that thought off for as long as possible.”

Most people probably wouldn’t get what Alfie meant, but Liam knew exactly what he was talking about. Alfie wasn’t religious, but if there really was heaven and hell, he didn’t doubt a second that he had a secure place in hell, which meant that he and Ricky were definitely no neighbours anymore. Just the fact that a non-religious guy like Alfie thought about that part of their future, about the possibility that he and Ricky could end up in very different places by the end, was the final proof for Liam how much his friend truly cared about Ricky.

It was late, like really late past midnight when Ricky came home. He was standing in the hallway for a while but then he went neither in the kitchen nor the living room or the bedroom upstairs. He went in his room the bedroom in which Jo and Liam had sex, Ricky had of course changed the sheets and scrubbed the room from top to bottom so that no… things of them might have… hit the walls. But all of this did not matter, now for the moment until Ricky had figured out what to do next he would stay in here. It didn’t take Ricky long this night to get ready for bed but he never found more than unsettled sleep.
In the upstairs bedroom Alfie was waiting. He had lit a few candles around the room, the bed was fresh made and he had even gotten Ricky a new Kashmir pyjama. But Ricky never came up. Alfie stayed up all night and waited but he never came.

The next morning as soon as Alfie heard noises in the guest bedroom -as what he saw the room Ricky had slept- he stormed in it.

“I need to talk to you. I was thinking and…”

“Get out!” It took Ricky so much to say this, but he had to say it because Alfie drove him mad.

“What?”

“Get out and knock. Jesus you never respect my privacy.”

Alfie looked as if he was hit by lightning but then he nodded and went out of the room just to knock at the door again.

“Come in.”

“Okay where was I? Oh yes I was thinking and I think this was all wrong I never meant this to happen. I wasn’t thinking clear the past few days and I couldn’t sleep last night…”

“Stop!” Ricky had to hold on tightly to the bed post, as if he feared he might fall or even faint. This was the hardest thing he ever had to say. “What do you even think? Try stop thinking about four for bloody second. Dammit Alfie you don’t get it do you? Every bloody thing in this flat is yours! Nothing is mine you do not even let me drive my own car. And then you tell me that you love me but you act not at all like you do. You fuck another rich snob at the club and come home bragging about it. I hate all this because it makes me feel I am your personal whore. I don’t want to be nothing but another trophy you use while you like it and just wait until you get bored of me and kick me back on the streets. Alfie I am sick of being your man slave.” Ricky was now properly crying because telling Alfie all of this was so hard.

“So what are you saying?” Alfie swallowed hard. “Do you want… you know… leave?” His was was actually trembling.
Ricky looked for a while at Alfie before he spoke again. “No but something has to change.” He squeezed pass Alfie without touching him and went to the flat door. “I don’t know what but something has to change. I need to go to work now.”

“It’s Saturday.”

“Fine you win as always, I just go to work to get away from you.”

Alfie looked like Ricky had just slapped him. Ricky didn’t wait for any response and walked out of the flat.

Just as the day before Ricky came home, to his surprise Alfie came smiling to greet him.

“Hey I was waiting for you, I’ve got food and something to show you.” Alfie was cute he was excited nearly like a child on Christmas Day.

“What’s going on with you, are you drunk?” Ricky looked suspicious at his boyfriend.

“No dummy. Here!” Alfie handed him a pile of papers.

“What is this?” Ricky was now worried.

“Read it!” Alfie was very close to be bouncing up and down. Ricky read through the contract his eyes widening by every word. “Wha-a-a-at?”

“I signed you over this flat, all furniture and all art pieces in it. And not because I want to pay you for any… moment you spend with me and will spend. I want that if anything ever happens like my family goes against us or anything else splits us up I want you to have a cushion to fall back on. And also I did something else. I phoned your mother -she says hello- she told me that your father has been laid off again but I got him a new job. He will be a foreman in the packaging company of mine it is nothing special but it is a job. Also I got your mother a job to clean well rich snobs houses, she will get picked up after your father left and be back before he will.” Alfie smiled at Ricky he knew what his boy was thinking. “You never need to get me a present other then you being with me happy or you know without me and still have no worries.”

Ricky had a hard time breathing and he needed to sit down, his head started to spin and he felt dizzy. Alfie waited for him to say something, but Ricky only stared at the contract in his hands, unable to speak.

“So?” Alfie sounded a bit like an impatient little child. “What do you think?”

Ricky was still unable to say anything, and then tears started to run down his face.
“Don’t do this to me…”, he mumbled.

Alfie looked confused. “Did I offend you with this? I didn’t mean to, really. I thought I was doing you a favour.”

Ricky slowly looked up. “You’re constantly doing this to me. At first you’re so harsh and trample over my feelings like nothing matters to you, and then you’re so…so…” He looked down at the paper again. “Then you just hand me over everything you have, and give my parents a job, and you’re so nice, and you make it impossible for me to stay mad at you.”

“Well, that’s a good thing, isn’t it?”

“I just…one time…one bloody time I want to stay mad at you.”

His boyfriend was quiet for a moment, then he nodded. “Okay, stay mad at me for as long as you want. But that contract still stands, and I’m not going to take it back. This is your flat now, and all the things in it belong to you, and you can kick me out whenever you want”, he said very calmly and matter-of-factly. “I just wanted to make sure that you have enough in case I treat you bad again. You never have to go back where you came from, only if you want to, but that’s your own decision.”

“Are you doing this because you care that much about me or because you’re just scared of being alone?” Ricky finally looked at his boyfriend because he wanted to see if he was telling the true answer or just lying to him.

Alfie didn’t answer right away, Ricky could see that he was struggling to say what was on his mind. He sure hated talking about those kind of things, but this time he got it together and said exactly what he felt.
“I’m doing this because I want you to be happy”, he said, almost a bit shyly, as if he was worried that others could hear him. “Whether that includes me or not.”

Now it was over. There was no way Ricky could be mad at him any longer. It was one of those very rare moments that Alfie had proven himself to be in fact more selfless than anyone could have expected from him. Nobody could ever imagine that this once so selfish and spoilt boy would eventually become so caring and selfless, at least about this one person.
Ricky knew this wasn’t just an act from Alfie to get what he wanted. This was really something he did for Ricky, not for himself.
Ricky bit his lip and took a deep breath. He was so close to bursting out into tears again, but this time because he was so touched by what Alfie had done for him. He cleared his throat and tried to sound as calm as possible.

“So…”, he said. “You’re willing to give up all that art that you have collected the past years?”

“Yes.” Alfie didn’t even flinch.

“You’re willing to give up all you cars?”

“Yes.”

“You’re willing to give up your walk-in-closet?”

“Yes. And if you want, you can have the room upstairs for yourself, and I’ll move into your room, well, the guest room.”

Ricky had a hard time hiding his surprise, but then he continued. “You’re willing to give up your bar?”

Alfie seemed a bit hesitant, but then he nodded. “Yes.”

Ricky was quiet for a moment and tried to look serious, because what he was about to ask made him grin, at least inside.
“Then I guess you’re willing to give up that beloved couch of yours too?”

He could see how Alfie’s calm expression changed, he almost looked like someone told him there was no whiskey left in the world. He definitely struggled, and Ricky had a hard time not to burst out into laughter, but he kept a serious face on until Alfie finally answered.

“Yes…” It was definitely a very insecure, hesitant yes. “Just…be careful with it, okay?”
Alfie actually looked so pathetic right now that Ricky couldn’t play serious anymore, he wanted to put the poor boy out of his misery. He put his arms around him and buried his head into his shoulder.
“You know what?”, Ricky mumbled. “There is no place I feel safer than with you. I know it sounds silly, but when I’m with you I feel like nothing could ever harm me. And then, on the other hand, you’re the one person who can hurt me the most. You can literally destroy me, from within. It’s kind of ironic that the one person who can hurt me the most is also the one person who offers me the greatest safety. I’m not going to lie, I sometimes get scared and wonder when you will hurt me again, but the truth is, you’ve given me so much more safety than anything else in the past years, and that means more to me and wins over the moments that you hurt me.” He paused for a moment, and then he couldn’t resist. “And thanks for the couch, first thing Monday morning I’ll get a new cover for it, maybe a different colour. How about mint green? Or a dusky pink? That would look gorgeous!”

“I’m going to kill you in your sleep”, Alfie mumbled, then he kissed him gently on the forehead, a gesture that Ricky loved.

It was a year ago that Liam and Jo had been sitting in the cinema and Jo’s water suddenly broke. It was still early and only Liam was up, he sneaked into his oldest daughter’s nursery even Jane was still sleeping. Liam smiled his little princess she looking so peaceful and then she opened her pretty blues. Jane blinked a few times and then smiled at her daddy.

“Happy birthday Princess.” Liam smiled widely at his daughter. She was reaching up her little arms and hoped her dad would pick her up.

“Dada.” Jane just continued smiling.

“Come on let’s get breakfast ready. I’ve got you some waffles from the kitchen last night and I got some other things like strawberries and raspberries.” Liam picked up his daughter she smelled so wonderful. “And there are a few packages for you.”

Jane didn’t really care all she cared was that her daddy was holding her tightly and would give her breakfast like he always did.
Jo had planned to get up early but she could not wake up until it was nearly eight. It was Monday but no one expected the Professor -as the student called Liam after Professor Bhear- and Mrs Jo -obviously named after Jo March- downstairs before the afternoon tea they had every day. They had a small snack with some good tea and always good conversations about anything. Jo woke up and more sleepwalking then proper being awake.

“’lo.” Jo mumbled and kissed Liam enjoying those soft warm lips and then her daughter’s forehead. “Hey munch kin, happy birthday.”

“Dada.” Jane grinned at her mother while she was very neatly eating her waffle with raspberries.

“This is the second time she is saying this.” Liam gave Jo her cup of coffee with milk and looked confused at his daughter.
Jo started laughing. “Oh Liam, Jane is saying daddy.”

“What no, I heard it clearly she is saying dada.” Liam looked at Jane.

“Dada.” Right on cue did the little girl say her first word again.

“Oh really?”

Jill in her nursery started screaming. Jo sighed. “I think she is having nightmares lately. She always wakes up screaming.”

Jo went to get her youngest daughter rocking her in her arms when she came back in the kitchen. “There is our second birthday girl. Would you like to have some waffles?”

“Ya.” Jill grinned really excited about her breakfast, but she was still rubbing her eyes and looked rather tired.
Jo smiled and kissed her sleepy daughter, she was not more awake then she was. “So any plans daddy?”

“Nope my plan was just having breakfast with my three J’s I think it is warm enough to take you all down to the pool we can paddle a little.” Liam gave Jill a small cut waffle with lots of fruits and a cup of chocolate milk.

“Oh um yeah sure.” Jo sounded not very happy about the idea. Liam kissed her. “You can stay with Jane at the side.”

“But my Irish skinned family has to put on sunscreen.” Jo smiled at her husband.

“Fine.”

Not long after their breakfast and the girls got coated into a thick layer of the highest possible sunscreen and a large bag of things they might need. Some toys and books for Jane and Jill’s water wings and some other floating things like her floating tyre. As soon Jill saw the pool she got excited and pulled at her dad’s hand. “Daddy, come.”

Jane and Jo set up their seats at the side of the pool under a parasol; Jo had brought some frozen orange juice. Jane was happily sitting in the shade on her small pillow sucking the frozen cube of orange juice. “Dada.” Jane grinned while she watched her daddy with Jill in the water. Jo smiled at Liam, he was so careful while he lifted Jane through the shallow water she was sitting in her green floating tyre and padding with both hands in the water. It was crazy how much their life has changed in the past two years since they got married. Jo loved the life they had but this, Liam and Jo had found the family they always have longed for.

After Liam and Jill were in the pool for a while, more and more students came to join them, also accompanied by some of the teachers. The kids wanted to see the two little birthday girls, after all, it was their very first birthday, and the twins were just the most adorable and beloved girls around. After a while Liam lifted up Jill and sat down next to his wife and Jane. They had been in the water long enough and he wanted to make sure Jill stayed warm, so he gently rubbed her dry with a towel and wrapped her tightly into another towel.

“I guess my other two girls are still not that fond of the water?” He smirked at Jo and Jane, who was sitting on her mum’s lap.

Jo shook her head. “No way.”

“Is someone scared?”

“No…” She didn’t sound very convincing. “Well, maybe little Princess here, but me…no…I just…um…besides…the pool is very crowded right now…” She cleared her throat.

“You’re adorable when you get nervous.” Liam leaned closer to kiss her.

“I’m not nervous.”

“Yeah, sure.” He smiled at her.

“Dada.” Jane looked up at him with her pretty blue eyes.

“Yes, Princess, that’s me.” He bent down to kiss his little ginger girl on the head, then looked at Jo. “I will teach both of them how to say mum or mama or what they are supposed to call you.”

“Don’t worry about it, really”, Jo assured him. “I know that babies mostly learn to say dada first, I don’t take it personally or anything.”

“Okay, but I’ll still want them to say it. Of course they know you’re their mum, but it feels great when they finally say it.”

“They will, I have no doubt.” Jo looked down at Jane, then to Jill who was wrapped in towel.

“Mr Liam, Mr Liam, a parcel just arrived!” One of the students ran over to them, she had a big parcel in her arms.

“Oh, thanks, Judy.” Liam got up to take the parcel from the girl, then he sat back down. “Oh, I recognise that handwriting, it’s from my grandmother.”

“Really?” Jo looked curious while he opened the parcel and got out a letter, which was written in Irish, of course.

Liam smiled. “It’s actually for the girls, a birthday present.”

“Aww, that’s so sweet.”

“Well, she sure couldn’t resist mentioning the twins’ Irish heritage a thousand times, and pointing out how important it is to be Catholic”, he replied sarcastically, then he got out the little presents, one by one. Liam’s grandmother had sent them a little box with soil in it, ‘a piece of Ireland’, as she described it. Also a jar that contained real Irish air (‘in Emergency cases of homesickness’, as she called it), two blanket she had knitted herself, two pairs of little shoes, and green onesies for both of them.

“Those presents are so cute, we have to call her later and thank her”, Jo said.

“I know, it’s really nice of her.” Liam had to grin, his grandmother just couldn’t stop emphasising the ‘Irishness’ of her great-granddaughters.

“Your grandmother is adorable. We will put the piece of Ireland in a nice sunny place in the flat, and each girl will have her jar of Irish air in their room and they can decide when they need it. The onesies are a little bit but that’s good that way they can wear it a little bit longer. I hope she doesn’t mind that I prefer when they just wear them at night or at home. I don’t want them to be dressed too baby-like.”

Liam kissed his wife. “Sounds like a plan.”

Jo leaned against her husband’s chest. Jane was already getting sleepy, she was curled up next to her like a little kitten, ready to fall asleep for her before lunch nap. Jo knew that she had to start setting the sleep times for the girls differently with just one nap. But so far she has decided that it cannot be a harm for Jane when she needs to sleep to sleep. Jill was up on her legs again but several students where with her and Jo saw her so no reason to get nervous. Dan was holding her but then they went to the pool and well now Jo couldn’t hide that she wasn’t nervous anymore. “Liam!”

Jo didn’t have to say anything Liam was already on his legs on the way to his youngest daughter. “Hey Dan, sorry but please don’t take her in the pool. No offence but Jo and I would prefer is only one of us is taking the girls in the pool. And it is also rather crowed too crowed for a little girl.” Liam sounded a little harsh, but he was just worried about his daughter which Dan understood.

“I’m sorry Sir, I didn’t mean to harm Jill. She wanted to go in the water again and I am a good swimmer I would have watched her very closely.”

“As I said no one except me or Jo will go with our girls in the water.” Liam took Jill and left Dan standing without another word. Dan was a little shocked and hurt but he still understood Liam’s reaction.

“Is she okay?” Jo asked sounding a little worried.

“Yes, she is fine.” Liam kissed his cupcake she wasn’t scared or crying just a little confused why daddy had taken her way from Dan.

“Hello!” Lorelai called the two boys on her hands let go and were running to their favourite girls. John was carrying a large, like really large present.

“Hey, why am I not surprised that you ignored me and came anyway.” Jo laughed. Edward sat down next to Jane and gently brushed over her cheek without waking her. The little girl crinkled her nose. Jo was about to tell Edward that he should let her sleep when the boy lay down next to Jane and started humming a made up melody. Jane’s face relaxed and she continued her nap.

“How can we miss the girls first birthday when we live a mile away from you? Jill since Jane is sleeping would you like to unwrap this on your own?” Lorelai asked as John put the present on the floor. Jill had some difficulties but Henry helped her and together they unwrapped the new paddling pool, a nice green pool with lots of colourful flowers on it.

“Oh, dada wader pease” Jill was bouncing up and down while was more falling then climbing into the paddling pool. Liam grinned. “Sure thing Cupcake, just wait here okay, and maybe sit down.”

Liam grinned he knew that this baby pool would be the favourite place of his youngest daughter this coming summer while Jane would even avoid this low water.
Jo watched Henry and Jill waiting in the pool. Henry was telling her the colours he knew, some of them he mixed up German and English words but Jo didn’t mind. “This is a wonderful present, thank you so much.”

“Oh this is just the present for the girls, John and I thought we give the parents a present as well. How about a sleepover the girls stay at our house one night and you and Liam can go out or just have a night for the two of you.”

Jo went pale, she wasn’t sure she could let her girls just yet stay somewhere else. Liam must have heard Lorelai since he just came back with the water hose to fill the paddling pool. “I don’t know, I mean I do want to spend a night with Liam along again but um… It’s just you have two boys already and four children is quite a handful.” Jo had gotten up to reposition the parasol to move the shade on the sleeping Jane. “I just don’t want you to take more on then you think you can and the twins they are a handful. Jane needs her precise routine or she gets very upset and Jill finds every possible mischief she can do and does it. And sleep times are the worst. Maybe in a few month but not right now. What do you think Liam?”

Liam thought his wife overreacted a bit, but he also got the point that having four little children was a handful, and looking after all four of them would be quite a challenge even for someone as tough as Lorelai. He was also aware that if he said he was okay with it and let the girls sleep over at Lorelai’s, Jo would be so concerned and nervous that they wouldn’t enjoy their time alone, so it was better to just agree with her, although he completely trusted Lorelai, but he didn’t want Jo to be upset and nervous.
“Yeah, maybe give them a couple more months, and then you can take them”, Liam said while he let some more water into the baby pool. Jill was squeaking excitedly while Henry played with the water.

“Okay, no problem.”

“But thanks very much for the offer”, Liam said. “I mean, I love those girls, but I miss having some time with Jo alone.”

“That’s understandable. As soon as you have kids, those things change, especially when you have two at the same time. Just being able to watch TV without any interference is already a luxury.” Lorelai grinned while she stroked over Henry’s wet hair.

Liam was about to sit down next to Jo, when Frida showed up next to them.
“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to interrupt, but there’s a very annoyed-sounding woman on the phone and insists on talking to one of you. The students were so loud that I couldn’t get her name, but she’s waiting on the other line.”

Liam didn’t even bother sitting down. “I got this”, he said to Jo. “You just make sure nobody kidnaps my Princess, she looks way too cute, sleeping there…” His eyes wandered to his older daughter who was sound asleep under the parasol.

“Okay, I’ll be right here.” His wife smiled back at him, and then he turned away from her and went inside to the telephone.

“Hello?”

“Who is this?”

Liam recognised that voice immediately and he took a deep breath, trying to sound as polite as possible. “Hello Elizabeth, this is Liam. Is there any reason you-“

“Where are the invitations?”, his mother-in-law interrupted him coldly.

“Sorry?”

“The invitations. I doubt the British mail did a mistake, after all, it’s the Royal British mail, not some filthy disorganised African delivery service, so something else must have happened with the invitations.”

Liam frowned. As always, he had no bloody idea what the hell that old woman was talking about. “Um…sorry, what invitations?”

“When do you finally learn how to speak proper English, I barely understand a word you’re saying!”

Liam sighed, trying really hard not to snap back. “What. Invitations. Are. You. Talking. About?”, he asked purposely slow, obviously teasing her.

“Are you only trying to make fun of me or are you really that stupid?” Elizabeth’s voice started to sound even more annoyed.

“You really want me to answer?” He had a hard time trying to hold back his sarcasm, but she just ignored him.

“The invitations for the two babies. It is their first birthday, and even though I do not think one should celebrate a day where two bastard children were born, the society will expect invitations.”

Liam rolled his eyes. First of all, how many times did they have to tell her that they were married when Jo got pregnant, so the twins were anything but bastard children, and secondly, what the fuck did she expect? Sending out invitations to Oxford’s high society? Hell no!
Liam had a hard time not to sound too cynical and keep his thoughts to himself. “Um…Elizabeth…” He cleared his throat. “We kind of…um…already have a party for the girls, it’s sort of a pool party, with the students and teachers of the school, and we actually neither want nor expect any other guests, unless they want to come, but nobody has to.”

Silence.
Deadly silence.

“Hello?”, Liam asked after a while. Please have a heart attack, please have a heart attack!

“You are incredibly rude!”

Shit, and I already got my hopes up!

“Making jokes like that!”, Elizabeth complained.

“That…ehm…was not a joke. The weather is really nice, and we’re outside with the girls and-“

“Impossible! Do you not-“

Liam no longer listened to her, he put the phone aside and waited for a moment, then he picked it up to check if his mother-in-law was still talking- and she was- so he simply hung up and went back to his J’s, totally not caring that he just hung up on Lady Elizabeth Williams.

Jo has waited a while but then she went and followed Liam, she didn’t hear what he said she just reached him when he hung up.

“Who was it?”

“Your mother, um she might hate me for a while longer.” Liam grinned cheeky. Jo giggled. “Let me guess she is mad that she is not invited to the gigantic high society happening.”

“Yeah.” Liam looked uncomfortable at Jo. His wife snuggled tightly into his chest.

“Liam?” Jo whispered and Liam just held her. “You think it was silly that I didn’t want Jo to take the girls didn’t you?”

“Well…”

“It’s okay I think so too. It’s just they are growing up so fast I mean even their hair started to grow and I just want to keep them as close as possible for as long as possible. I miss being just with you don’t get me wrong but something in me just make me want them to be close. They are my only babies and I just need a little more time. When we have summer holidays the girls can go and spend a weekend at Lorelai’s.”

“Promise?”

“yes I promise.”

Liam kissed Jo on the forehead and then went with her hand in hand back outside. For some reason there was a lot of excited within the students at the pool.

“What is going on here?” Jo asked a little shocked, she saw that the girls well Jane was still sleeping and Jill was sitting on Dan’s shoulders.

“Oh there you are. I thought well I invite myself and bring along some food, don’t worry I called the cook and he knows not to make lunch. I brought Pizza for everyone, I heard the young people like to eat this. Do you remember the pizza we had in Rome when you were a young girl?” Colin hugged his daughter tightly. He couldn’t stop himself but to think of how Jo was a year ago. She was not even a shadow of herself and now she was sparkling of live.

“Daddy!”

“I just couldn’t resist and come to see my beautiful granddaughters and her mom.” Colin barely let go of Jo and shook Liam’s hand. “Hello Liam, I hope everything is alright?” Colin didn’t notice that Liam was watching Dan with his daughter very closely, they were in his taste too close to the pool and the excited chatting and pushing students. It was just a matter of time for Dan to slip and fall.

“You don’t mind my coming?” Colin asked, Jo shook her head and nudged Liam she hasn’t seen Jill on Dan’s shoulders. Until there was a loud splash and the horror started. Dan fell with Jill on his shoulders into the pool and of course was Jill not wearing her floating wings.

The moment Jill let out a surprised squeak, Liam ran to the pool and jumped in, although he was already wearing his shirt again, but he couldn’t care less. Dan quickly held up Jill so she wouldn’t get under the water, but Liam already grabbed her and held her tight. To his surprise, she wasn’t crying, though she looked a bit surprised for a second, but as soon as he held her, a grin appeared on her face and she started to giggle. Apparently she thought this was all just a game.
Liam took a deep breath, relieved that Jill was okay, then he turned to the younger boy who looked completely freaked out.
“Are you crazy? I told you not to get so close to the pool with my daughter!”

“I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to-“

“You better be! Something could have happened to her.” Liam pressed Jill tightly against him as if he was worried that someone could snatch her away from him any second.

“I’m really sorry.” Dan looked like he was about to cry, and Liam slowly calmed down and found himself almost feeling sorry for the boy. “I would never want her or her sister to get hurt, I swear.”

Liam sighed. “I know.” He looked down at Jill who started playing with the water. “Just next time listen to me and don’t get close to the pool with the girls, got it?”

“Yes, sir, I promise!”

“Don’t call me sir, makes me feel old.”

“Sorry, sir…um…sorry…”

Liam got out of the pool again and made sure Jill was still safely in his arms. Jo immediately stormed to him, but before she got the chance to explode, he quickly calmed her down.
“It’s okay, Jo, nothing happened, Jill is just fine. Actually, she still thinks this is a game.” He carefully handed Jill over to her super freaked-out mother.

“My little girl…” Jo kissed her gently, not caring that she got wet because Jill was just in the pool.

“Is she alright?” Colin appeared next to them, looking concerned, but when he saw the wide grin on his granddaughter’s face, he knew she was okay.

“She just got a little scared for a second”, Liam said.

“Obviously she’s over her shock now.” Colin had to smile, Jill was just one amusing little baby.

“I’m not”, Jo mumbled while she pressed Jill’s head gently against her chin.

“It’s okay, beautiful.” Liam kissed her on the cheek, then he realised that everyone had been so focused on Jill, that nobody looked after her twin sister.

“Where is Jane?” He looked over Jo’s shoulder but then saw Graham already holding Jane in his arm, who was now awake, after all that action that had been going on around her.

“Seems like I missed something”, Graham said, who just arrived after Jill had fallen into the pool.

“Oh, the usual”, Liam said jokingly. “Jill just got all the attention again.”

Jo was holding a happy babbling Jill on her arms, no one did but right now when Liam joked Jo saw that he now was scared. Jo snuggled into Liam’s arm and let Graham take Jill as well they both needed each other to get through those shock moments they just had. Jo tiptoed and kisses Liam. “Thanks for saving Jill.”

Liam grinned cheeky. Graham seemed very happy holding both granddaughters. Colin came to bring them some pizza.

“You should eat something. I hope you don’t mind that I will eat mine from a plate with some cutlery.” Colin smiled, handed them all some plates with pizza, took Jill and sat down on the blanket under the parasol. Jo slowly had calmed down, most students were now eating some still swimming in the pool and Liam had stopped looking at Dan and Jill.

“I didn’t know you were coming Graham.” Jo smiled and ate her pizza happily.

“Do you really think I would have not come to my granddaughters’ first birthday?” Graham laughed, when suddenly a glitter appeared in his eyes. Jo quickly turned around and started grinning. Ellen had just come outside with Gracie, who was wearing a bright orange bathing suit. “Mr Hart, Graham, Mr, hello.” Gracie was really excited to see Graham nearly as much as Ellen was. Liam didn’t see it but well everyone else did that Ellen was glad to see Graham although it was just Jo who saw that her finger gently brushed his back. Jo giggled, this was hilarious because Liam had no idea and he so will not want to know about this.

“I’m glad you are here.” Jo couldn’t stop smiling at her father-in-law.

“So am I, it is a shame that the past month I was in France. What did I miss in my lovely girls’ life?” Graham was holding his granddaughters. Jane was snuggled against his chest while Jill was sitting on his lap both munching their pizza quietly, Jane less messier then Jill.

“A lot Jane started speaking and I think she is ready to start potty training, I know she is very young but well I think she is ready. So I will start tomorrow I think. And Jill talks a lot and walks a lot and is a little wild Saoirse.”

Graham and Colin started laughing. “I’m not surprised that Jane is not happy in nappies. What do you think Jill will be ready?”

“I think she will be ready in a few months maybe after the summer.” Jo watched her father eat the pizza with knife and fork. Jo giggled this was too funny to watch. “Daddy, I can go and get you something else to eat if you want.”

“Thanks Princess but I’m okay. At a children’s birthday party you have to expect food children like.” Colin enjoyed too much spending time with his daughter and her family.

“Dada.” Jane looked at her dad and then she pushed herself up and walked very wobbly four steps to her dad and then collapsed into his arms.

Liam lifted up his little daughter and smiled proudly at her. “Look at you, Princess!” He kissed her excitedly. “You decided to walk at last. That’s my little girl!” He didn’t care if others watched him getting all excited about a toddler walking, for him it meant a lot and when it came to his daughters, he totally didn’t care showing how happy he was about little things.
He didn’t notice how Graham stood behind him and watched his son being such a great dad to his daughters. He was really proud of him and glad how responsible Liam had become, especially with the twins.
“Did you see that?” Liam turned around to Jo, still excited. “She walked!”

Jo grinned. “I know!” She leaned closer and gave Jane a kiss. “Mommy is very proud of you, baby.”
Jane seemed all happy and smiled widely at her mother.
That same moment Liam spotted Dick. He sat on a chair far away from the others, just staring at the scene in front of him without any expression on his face. He looked so out of place, still wearing his black, worn-out leather jacket at a pool party. Liam couldn’t resist grinning while he walked over to him.

“Hey godfather”, he greeted him, still holding on to Jane in his arm. “You know this is a pool party, right?”
Of course Liam was glad to see that Dick came to the twins’ first birthday, he had almost expected him not to show up, especially since this was a pool party full of kids, but nevertheless, he came.
Dick looked up slowly, not even remotely looking like he would take off that leather jacket anytime soon, despite the very warm weather.
“Do I look like I care?”, he mumbled.

“Nope.” Liam smirked. “But you came anyway.”

Dick shrugged his shoulders. “I guess I had to.”

“Aw, I’m pretty sure you totally wanted to”, Liam said teasingly. “Because very deep down you love pool parties.”

“Shut up, kid.”

“Watch your tone in front of your little goddaughter here.” Liam looked at Jane who stared at Dick with her big blue eyes. Dick had still no single expression on his face.
“Anyway, thanks for coming, the girls are happy to see you.”

Dick just stared at Jane. “Yeah. Whatever.”

“You sure you don’t want to get into the pool and-“

“No.”

“We do have some food if you want. Jo baked a cake and we have cupcakes and-“

“Kid.”

“Yes?”

“Shut up.”

“Yes, sir.” Liam grinned. “But I’ll get you something to drink, you just…um…sit…and wait here.” He turned around and walked over to Jo, then he handed her Jane so that he would have free hands to get Dick something to drink. Of course they only had ice tea, lemonade and water, but Liam had no doubt that Dick had his own flask with him. Meanwhile Dick was sitting silently in his chair, but when Dan in his small swimming trunks walked past him, he raised his eyebrow slightly. By the time Liam came back with some ice tea, Dick quickly stared down at his folded hands.

“Here you go.” Liam handed him the ice tea. “By the way, if you want to make Long Island Ice Tea out of this, I won’t say anything.” He winked at him, then went back to his wife.

Lorelai was grinning, she saw the way Dick looked at Dan. “This is interesting.”

“What is?” Jo looked curious at her cousin.

“Well apparently Dick is into younger men.”

“What? We are in a school he cannot…”

“Josie he is not doing anything, he is too scared to do anything. But that means he has a type the young looking man. I just need to find a man that is twenty-one but looks several years younger.”

“Wait why twenty-one?”

“That is the legal age to have intimate sexual relations with a man…” Lorelai couldn’t say more because Liam came back and sat down on the blanket behind his wife, he wrapped his arms tightly around her. Liam was wondering why she looked a little pale but just held her a little tighter. “Are you okay?” Liam whispered that only Jo could hear him. Jo nodded but leaned against him. Jane who had a good nap was now sitting on Graham’s lap eating pizza, well no he was sitting at the table and acting as Jane’s highchair so she could eat with a fork her tiny cut pizza. He was doing a good job in making sure she was able to eat in her routine. Meanwhile exhaustion had taken over Jill, who had falling asleep while playing with a ball not far from the blanket in the grass. Jill was sitting and hugging the football and was deep asleep.
Colin went and picked her the little sleeping girl up, and chuckled. Jill was not a child that wanted to sleep but nearly every day the need to sleep was larger than her will. “It might be better when she sleeps in the shade.” Colin said and put her down on one of the by now many blankets under a parasol. He sat down next to his granddaughter and just watched her. Colin never had the chance to see his daughter grow up properly because he was always working and he regretted this fact, he tried to make up to it when she started school but still.
Jo looked at her father, she was still thinking about Ricky and the fact that you have to be twenty-one to be intimate with another man, and was wondering what her father was thinking. “Daddy are you okay?”

Colin looked guilty up at her. “Oh yes I’m fine, just remembering back your first birthday. It was quite a different type of event.”

Jo smiled she knew what he meant.

“But I’m glad you are raising your children differently.”

The afternoon went on the twins got several presents but no one was offended that Jo and Liam would open those the next days and not all at once, Dan still played with the girls but stayed away from the pool. It was just about time for dinner which they would have all together in the dining hall inside as Jo went over to Dick who was still sitting away from the trouble.

“You are staying for dinner aren’t you?” Jo asked Dick. Dick got up and didn’t say anything. “Listen I know you think this is all silly but I am very glad you are here. You know how much you mean to me and Liam and this will not change because we have children now. Liam will never forget what you did for him when you first met and in the time you and he stayed together and I will never forget how you looked after me while Liam was gone. It sounds silly but I felt nearly as safe as if Liam himself looked after me. I really want you to be a part of our family…”

“What are you having for dinner?” Dick said in his usual grumpy growl-like voice.

“Oh several things you will have something you like.” Jo smiled she knew he would join them for dinner. “And there will be alcohol served for well guests and teacher.”

“There better be lots of drinks if you want me to stay long.” Dick said and walked passed her up to the house.
The dinner was as much fun as the entire pool party. Jo loved that everyone treasured her daughters and more enjoyed spending a day with them then giving them expensive gifts. The bath got skipped tonight for the girls, Liam and Jo brought them to bed after they said goodbye to the guests.

It was a rather quiet evening so far, mainly because Ricky had gone straight to his study for grading papers after he came home and Alfie was in the living room, reading. Ricky was unusually quiet though, he came home about half an hour ago and was still grading one and the same essay. He usually was quick, but tonight his thoughts were somewhere else. He had attended a guest lecture earlier today, one of the most renowned psychology professors in the country held a special lecture about childhood trauma and how certain influences in childhood years have a defining impact on the rest of a person’s life. Ricky really admired the professor and his lecture was incredibly informative and interesting, but then the older man started talking about something that caught Ricky’s attention completely. He held his breath as the professor went deeper into the subject. All of a sudden Ricky seemed to realise something he hadn’t seen before. Could it really be? It suddenly made a lot of sense...
Ricky was very quiet as he left the lecture, and when he came home and saw Alfie behind Nietzsche’s The Antichrist, he quickly kissed him on the head and told him he had to grade papers and would prepare dinner later. Luckily, Alfie was so distracted by his book that he only nodded rather than asking him why he was acting so weird.
Now Ricky sat in his study, stared at the essay in front of him and just couldn’t focus. The things the professor had said in his psychology lecture couldn’t get out of his head. Ricky wasn’t sure what to do. He could either just forget about the whole thing or he could confront Alfie directly. Forgetting was probably the better option since Alfie would most likely get edgy if Ricky really came to him and asked him, but on the other hand Ricky loved Alfie too much, and if something bad really happened in Alfie’s childhood, Ricky wanted him to know that he could talk to him, that he didn’t have to suppress everything.
Ricky sighed and put the essay down, then he got up and went into the living room, sitting down next to his boyfriend.

“You’re already done with the essays?”, Alfie asked without looking up.

“Not yet.” Ricky watched him quietly for a moment. He loved watching him read, Alfie looked almost gentle while he was reading –except if it was a crappy student essay, then he did look anything but gentle.

“Apparently Nietzsche slept with whores but was a homosexual.”

“There goes your soul mate”, Ricky replied dryly.

Alfie raised an eyebrow and finally looked up from his book. He could see that something was wrong with Ricky right away. “Hey, Penguin, what’s up?”

Ricky had a hard time looking at him, he was almost scared approaching this subject. He cleared his throat. “You…um…you’re honest with me, right? Or let’s put it differently; you know that you can be honest with me, right?”

Alfie looked a bit confused. “It’s a bit ironic, usually people tell me not to be so honest because apparently I make them uncomfortable with my honesty, and now you-“

“No, that’s not what I meant.” Ricky shook his head. “I just…I…um…I know that everyone has secrets, I’m not stupid, I just-“

“You fucked someone else”, Alfie said coldly.

“What? No!” Ricky shook his head again. “Why do you always assume-“

“You just said yourself everyone has secrets, so I guess you want to tell me now-“

“This isn’t about me!”, Ricky interrupted him before his boyfriend had the chance to get all kind of crazy ideas in his head again. “This is about you”, he added, a lot calmer.

“What did I do?” Alfie put the book aside. “I’m not hiding anything. You know about my porn, you know that I sleep with other people, and you probably know…well…maybe you don’t know exactly about all the things I want to do to you because that would most likely make you blush, but if you want me to be honest and tell you-“

“No!”, Ricky said quickly, already turning bright red. He cleared his throat. “No, thank you…”

Alfie grinned. His lover boy’s adorable shyness turned him so much on again. “If you don’t want me to tell you, I can just as well show you what I have in mind for you…” He leaned closer and started kissing Ricky’s neck, and for a moment Ricky completely forgot what he wanted to talk about, but then he remembered again.

“Professor Norton”, Ricky mumbled between the kisses. Alfie suddenly stopped.

“Dude, seriously? You’re fantasizing about this old fart while I’m making out with you? I knew you’re into older men, but seriously?”

“No!” Ricky shook his head and sat up straight, then he took a deep breath. “Professor Norton had a special lecture today, and everyone was free to come, which I did, because he’s a very good lecturer and-“

“You have the hots for him?”

“Alfie, can you actually just let me talk for a second?” Ricky almost sounded a bit bossy, which, of course, turned his boyfriend on as well, but he tried not to think of it. “Anyway, I went to his lecture and it was about experiences in childhood and trauma and…um…among other things he mentioned that there are two…eh…very obvious victims of…abuse…Well, there are many categories, but two are very obvious.”

“Abuse?”

“Sexual abuse.” Ricky stared at his hands, this was more difficult than he thought it would be. “There’s the one category of victims, the ones who become very quiet and pull themselves back from the real world and don’t want anyone getting too close to them, and then there are…um…children who were abused in their childhood, and when they become older they develop a very strange relationship to sex and often when they enter their teenage years, they tend to sleep around a lot rather than being in a committed relationship because they can’t connect with anyone. They just want to have sex without feelings, it doesn’t mean anything to them. It sounds weird because you might think that children who were abused in their childhood never want to have sex again, but this category of victims do the exact opposite and use sex to fill their lack of emotions, sort of…” Ricky still didn’t dare to look up. “Professor Norton also mentioned that, for instance, if a boy was abused by a woman, he later might develop a very strange relationship to women, he will either hate women all together or he will constantly sleep with a lot of different women without ever having the intention of a committed relationship, of course. Anyway, the boy’s relationship to sex and especially to women is very…strange.” He slowly looked at his boyfriend. There was not one single expression on Alfie’s face, it was completely blank, which made Ricky nervous. Ricky’s heart was racing and he took a deep breath.
“I don’t want to jump to any conclusions, but almost everything that Professor Norton said about the second category of victim fitted perfectly to…um…it was almost scary how similar…how much it reminded me…of you.” He was quiet for a moment. “I mean, I see how you are with your mother, or sister, or even grandmother…and every other woman. You’re very, you’re…I don’t know how to say this.” He looked very uncomfortable while he tried to find the right words. “When you were little, did anyone…did anyone ever touch you?”

For several minutes Alfie starred at his boyfriend. He wanted to say something, anything but his vocal cords just didn’t work. Well at first nut but then shouted. “What the bloody fuck do you think of me? Did I get touched? Sure my mother fucked me every night together with my grandmother. God Ricky just because you hear something it doesn’t make it true. I’m to women the way I am because they all are hormonal hysterical bitchy creatures and not more worth then a good rub of my on hand. When God made Eve he should have not given her the ability to speak! Fuck, Ricky!”

Alfie got up and stormed over to the bar and poured himself a whiskey okay sort of two triples in one glass.

“Alfie, I’m sorry okay? I just meant to say that if you did and ever want to talk about it I’m here for you.” Ricky whispered.

“Fuck you, Rick!” Alfie shouted as he downed his whiskey and refilled the glass. Ricky was close to tears he didn’t know if Alfie was reacting like this because he was abused or because he had really offended him. While Ricky thought about the situation Alfie had drunk three more glasses and had now actually gotten a large water glass and just filled it with the beverage he thought it was a shame to just down.

“Alfie, um maybe you shouldn’t drink all this whiskey.”

“Who do you think you are first you tell me I got raped and now I drink too much? What’s next you gonna tell me I got a tiny fuckpole?” Alfie had managed to actually show signs of being drunk for the very first time. Not like other people would be but he was clearly drunk-angry.

“Alfie maybe we could just make love?” Ricky suggested rather weakly.

“You really think I fuck you tonight? No I can’t I’m too traumatized because you wear the same colours my mother wore when she fucked me.” Alfie drunk the last rest of the bottle -which was three quarters full when he started drinking it- and left the living room. He went upstairs to watch some porn, one of the porn that were really rough and with several people.

After Ricky sat quietly on the couch for a while, trying to fight back tears, he got up and was about to go to his study to his room because he was pretty sure that’s where he would spend the night, but then he stopped. He didn’t want to hide away and lay awake the entire night, being upset over how Alfie treated him. He wanted to make things right, even though that meant that he had to be brave and confront his boyfriend again. He took a deep breath, then went upstairs. He avoided looking at the TV, he didn’t want to see any of that porn, it was already awkward enough to hear it. He looked straight at Alfie who pretended that he didn’t notice him standing there.

“Alfie, I’m-“

“Piss off, Ricky”, he said coldly without looking at him.

Ricky bit his lip, trying really hard not to cry. “I’m sorry, I never wanted to offend you. I know you don’t like talking about your childhood, it’s obviously a sensitive subject for you, and I stepped over the line again, I didn’t want-“

“I said: piss off!” Alfie turned the TV louder, which made Ricky feel more awkward and at the same time worried, because he had to think that Alfie liked that kind of stuff he was watching, and it automatically pressured Ricky who could never be like those people in those porn movies.

“I’m sorry…”, Ricky said quietly and went back downstairs, right to his study, where he quickly locked the door and sat down on the floor, hugging his knees. When he had closed the door, one of the books in the shelf had fallen down, but he didn’t pay attention at first. After he sobbed quietly for a few minutes, he looked up, and then he noticed the book on the floor. It was a special edition of Oscar Wilde’s fairy tales. Alfie had given this edition to him a while ago, it was very valuable and one of the most beautiful versions Ricky had seen yet. He picked up the book and by coincidence opened the book right at one of his favourite tales by Wilde, The Young King. Ricky read the first few lines of the story, then he suddenly knew what to do; or rather, what he didn’t want to do. He didn’t want to sit here all night, crying and being miserable. Not this time. This time he would be brave.
Ricky got up from the floor, the book still under his arm, then he left his study and went back upstairs again, straight to the TV, turned it off, and turned around to his boyfriend. His heart was racing. He knew that Alfie had never physically hurt him, but still, he had made him angry tonight, and he had seen how scary Alfie could be when he was angry, like that one time when he managed to get Sebastian into a hospital. Even though Alfie had never hurt Ricky like this, it still scared Ricky how strong Alfie actually was, and that just the right portion of anger could turn him into this scary and insanely strong person.

“I love you”, Ricky said without even blinking. He tried to look as calm as possible, but inside he was shaking. “And I know it makes you uncomfortable, but I will keep saying it, not only because I really mean it, but because you deserve to hear it. I’m aware that nobody said this to you when you were little, and I know that I’m mentioning your childhood again and you’ll get mad at me, but I have to do this, because I love you. I don’t care if you hate me for saying this, but I care about you, and nobody, not even you, can take that away from me.” He paused for a moment, hoping his heart wouldn’t jump out of his chest. “I’m sorry if I offended you, I really am. I only started this subject because I was worried about you, and I care too much about you than just letting this slide, so if you really would have been abused- which I’m not saying you were- I would have wanted you to talk to me, because that’s what people do who care about each other; they want the other one to be happy. Don’t you get it, Alfie? You’re not alone anymore. If things hurt you, you don’t have to keep it all in and deal with it yourself. I’m right here, and although I know I may not be the strongest or bravest, I’ll do everything in my power to make sure nothing harms you anymore.”

An almost unbearable silence followed. There wasn’t a single expression on Alfie’s face, so Ricky had no idea what he was thinking right now. He was pretty sure that Alfie was getting really mad right now, and Ricky had the hardest time not to show how nervous he was.
Ricky took a deep breath. “Even if you were not physically abused by anyone, there’s no doubt in my mind you were mentally abused by the coldness and absence of your family when you were a child. And I’m not forcing you to talk about it, I just want to remind you again that you’re not alone anymore, even if you constantly try to push me away, I’m not going anywhere. I mean…unless you want me to…” He stared nervously on the floor now, still clasping to the book. He felt like a little scared child who just waited for his father to beat him because he misbehaved.

“You look so young”, Alfie mumbled, completely out of context.

Ricky looked up, a bit confused. Alfie got up and Ricky almost flinched, but then he felt how his boyfriend kissed his forehead, and that was always a good sign.
“I…I thought you would be mad…” Ricky still looked down.

“Not when you look like that.” Alfie looked at him quietly for a moment. “God, how can someone just look so innocent?”

“Did you actually pay attention to what I said?”, Ricky asked quietly. “I really meant it.”

Alfie touched his cheek gently. “I didn’t.”

“What?”

“I didn’t mean to get so mad at you. I just couldn’t help it when you started with this whole Freudian shit about my mother touching me and that stuff. It’s just…my mother did pretty much the opposite of what you said. I can’t remember that she ever did something like…I don’t know…hugging me… Something normal mothers do.”

Ricky looked shyly up to him. “That’s why I’m here now.”

“So you can be inappropriate with me and touch me?”, Alfie teased him.

“Don’t be stupid.” Ricky put his arms around him and buried his face in his chest. “I love you.”

“Yeah…” Alfie started to look a bit uncomfortable again. “You said that already.”

“I know.” He looked up again. “I’ll read you The Young King, okay?”

“What?”

“You never had someone to read something to you, so that’s another aspect that I’m gladly doing for you.” Ricky smiled warmly at him.

Alfie pulled Ricky into his arms, kissed his neck and pushed his hand under all of Ricky’s layers. Can we not just make love?”

Ricky smiled. “Since when do you say ‘making love’?”

“Shut up!” Alfie mumbled continuing kissing Ricky gently. Ricky smiled when his eyes fell on the giant TV…

“Do you want this?” He asked his boyfriend shy. At first Alfie didn’t understand it but then when he turned around he got it. “Yes but never with you.” He whispered back just as while his hand was gently ran his fingers through Ricky’s hair.

“But you can.”

“No. Because it would hurt you maybe not physically but mentally.” Alfie whispered caring.

“But…”

“Ricky don’t change, don’t try to be someone you are not.” Alfie pulled off Ricky’s last shirt and lightly ran his fingers over his chest. “You are wearing to many layers.”

“But you like it the other way.”

“I like it more with you the way it is.” Ricky let Alfie push him onto the bedand take the book out of his hand. “You can read this later…”

Ricky nodded a little shy, what made Alfie grin. His kisses grew more passionate. “See you being all shy totally turns me on.”

Ricky started blushing but let his boyfriend pull off his trousers, it was a little one sided since Alfie was already naked. Ricky started kissing Alfie back, very shy and insecure as he always did. The shyer Ricky was the more Alfie was turned on by him.
It was in the middle of the night when Ricky cuddled into Alfie’s naked chest and started reading…

The next day Jo and Liam enjoyed a day off from their classes and were able to spend it with the twins. It was Thursday and the two young adults have decided to eat lunch out. They went to the tea room Jo and Ricky always go to meet. Jo knew children were welcome here and the dress code was not too strict. Jo looked at her family it was perfect the girls were sitting in their highchairs on each side of Jo and Liam. As always Liam had a hand on Jo’s knee. They had just ordered when there was a shriek. “Josephine Williams what do you think you are doing here with the bastards?!” Elizabeth looked in horror at the small O’Doherty family.

“Elizabeth please Jo can go out with the girls and her husband.” Colin tried to calm down his wife.

“She can certainly not!”

Liam rolled his eyes and squeezed Jo’s knee.

“Excuse me Lady Williams it is perfectly okay for Missis Jo to bring her twins. They are a joy to have.” The manager assured Elizabeth to calm her down as well and avoid the scene that was building up. Elizabeth looked even more shocked at the manager. “This is my daughter her name is certainly not Missis Jo it is Lady Josephine Williams.”Elizabeth’s voice was starting to reach ultrasound.

“Oh no please Missis Jo is fine and we… um… we leave if you want us to.” Jo was not sure what to do they have just ordered their food and her mother was making her very uncomfortable. Does she have to scream like this?

“Darling come with me we sit over there that way you have not to see our precious granddaughters.” Colin was surprisingly calm, but he knew Elizabeth’s episodes and even when it seemed hard to understand he remember the girl she was a very long time ago a girl she fell in love with.

“I will not eat in here if bastards are allowed in here.” Elizabeth starred at Jane who was sorting raisins in an order she made up to eat them.

“I was married when I got pregnant.” Jo mumbled, as everyone in the tea room was looking at their table.

Liam had a hard time holding back his annoyance. If Colin wouldn’t have been there to calm down his wife, Liam sure as hell would make sure she got the message that it was her who made a scene, not the girls. He tried to ignore the fact that Elizabeth kept referring to Jo with her maiden name, but when she called the twins bastard again, he pretty much had it. He was about to snap back at her when Colin took Elizabeth’s hand.

“You know they were married, Elizabeth, let us not get worked up about it”, he said calmly.

His wife ignored him, her eyes were still fixed on the babies. “Babies do not belong in a tea room, I cannot believe that my own daughter went against that rule and brought those bastards along, it is improper and –“

“Elizabeth!” Colin still sounded calm but strict at the same time. “They are not bastard children. And like the manager said, babies are welcome here.” He turned to his daughter and son-in-law. “We’re very sorry, we didn’t mean to disturb you on your free day out with the girls. I think it’s better if we just leave.”

Jo was about to nod when she hesitated, her eyes wandering to her mother. “Actually, why don’t you join us?”

Liam stared baffled at his wife, wondering if she had gone insane, and even Colin seemed rather surprised.

“There’s enough room at the table, and it would be ridiculous if we sit so far apart, it’s not like we don’t know each other.” Jo tried to sound as calm and friendly as possible. She just needed to look at her father and it made it a lot easier. “Really, we don’t mind.” Her hand grabbed Liam’s hand under the table, just a sign to keep any sarcastic remarks in. She looked at him, waiting for his reaction.

“Sure”, Liam said, a bit dryly. “There’s plenty of space.”

Normally, Colin would have said no, but he could see how important it was for Jo to join them. Not because she was very happy to see her mother, but because she wanted to try to make this work. He smiled friendly at his daughter, then looked at his wife.
“That is very nice of Jo, isn’t it?”

Elizabeth didn’t answer, she looked like she had just bit into a lemon.

“We will get our things”, Colin said to Jo, then they turned around and went to their table. Jo’s eyes followed them, she could see that Colin said something to his wife again.

“Um…I don’t know if you were in the other room just right now, because you obviously didn’t hear your mother calling our daughters bastards again”, Liam mumbled.

“I know, I heard it.” She touched Jill’s cheek gently.

“But?”

“But I’m tired of letting her go all crazy and bringing us down, and getting away with it every time. We’re all civilised people, and we should act as such.”

“Civilised people? I don’t know if that description fits your mother…”

“Liam, please.” Jo looked at him with her doe eyes. “Let’s try to make this work, okay?”

He sighed. “Fine”, he mumbled. “But your father better keeps her on a leash.”

Jo looked at her husband for a while. “Do you really hate my mother?”

Liam sighed. “No I don’t hate her I just hate how she talks with you and about the girls.”

Jo leaned over and kissed Liam passionately. “And I love you for that Liam.”

“Josephine you are in a public place.” Elizabeth snapped as she sat down across the two young adults. Colin put his hand on his wives arm. “I’m just saying it is not proper for a Williams to kiss anyone like this in public.”

“Elizabeth, Jo is not a Williams anymore. She is an O’Doherty now.” Colin said while he pointed in the menu on what they wanted.

“So mother have you been shopping?” Jo simply ignored the rude comment her mother had done. Liam looked at her, and it took him a moment but then he got what she tried to do.

“Your father needed new ties his started to look outrages.” Elizabeth stated, starring at Jane who was still sorting the raisins before she ate them. “What in heaven’s name is the pucelle doing?”

“Oh she is sorting the raisins before she eats them. That is a thing she does quite often.” Jo smiled and touched her oldest daughter’s hand as Liam kissed her -Jane was sitting next to him-.

“That is ridicules.” Elizabeth snorted as the waitress brought more tea for her and Colin and the first round of food for the O’Dohertys. Jo had ordered some buns with roasted vegetable for the girls Jane’s were not mixed she liked her food not together.

“This pucelle is not normal! She needs to be treated!”

“Elizabeth!” Colin’s voice was low and had a sudden dangerous undertone. He had never spoken like this to Jo but she had heard it when people didn’t behave in his class, but she had never heard him talk to his wife like this. Elizabeth froze her hand in midair with the spoon full of sugar. She knew that she was more then out of line. Colin did speak like this once in a while when they were alone and she had been having one of her episodes. Elizabeth knew that it was the moment when he lost his patience with her. “Jo, Liam I am very sorry but I think we cannot stay. It was a long morning and I am tired. Please excuse us.” Colin got up and for the very first time Liam saw how old, tired and ill Elizabeth really looked. Behind her mask of evil remarks she was nothing but a broken woman. Jo bit her lip and took Liam’s hand. Every time she saw her mother as this broken woman she got scared, Colin knew this and he tried all Jo’s life to keep this side of Elizabeth away from her. When Jo was a girl he would send her away often with her grandparents later even with Graham or simply to Lorelai but now that his little girl was all grown he could not send her away. Colin sighed he knew that this would be a hard summer for him. He took his wife’s hand as he rose, the one that was still frozen in midair and took the spoon from it to place it on the table along with money that would cover not just their order but also the O’Dohertys’s. “Please children enjoy your meal. And Liam, Jo I would like -only if you agree- call you to arrange when I can see the girls again.”

Jo nodded still biting her lip to hold back the tears. Colin looked at Liam, a look that said a lot. “I’m so sorry Jo had to see this, please make sure she is okay. She should have not seen her mother like this!”
When her father and mother were out of sight Jo buried her face in Liam’s shoulder and was sobbing quietly. Jo just didn’t understand why her mother could not see the joy Jo had in her life. Why could she not be happy for her? Why could her mother not accept for who she was?

Liam wanted to be angry at Elizabeth, but when he saw how much of a broken woman she was, he felt more pity towards her rather than anger. He had no idea what exactly was wrong with Elizabeth and what was going on inside of her, but he sure as hell could see that it affected her only daughter. It must be hard for Jo to see her mother like this, Liam could only guess how hard it was, but he would never feel exactly what Jo felt. His mother had always been a role model, the strongest and bravest woman he had known. He wasn’t stupid, he knew that she had her moments when it all got too much and she broke apart, but she never did it in front of him, she was very good in hiding. Elizabeth, on the other hand, broke apart right in front of her daughter, and this wasn’t the only time, it happened so many times before.

“Hey, Lady…” Liam planted a kiss on Jo’s head. “It will be okay.” Of course he had no idea whether Elizabeth would be okay or not. He didn’t even know how severe her state was, but he could guess that it was anything but stable.

“I’m scared, Liam”, Jo mumbled into his shoulder. “I don’t want to become like her.”

“We talked about this”, he replied calmly. “There’s no way you’ll be like her, not now, and not in the future. You’re a completely different person than she is.”

Jo sighed. “What if-“

“No”, he interrupted her, almost a bit sternly, then he squeezed her hand gently. “There are no ‘what ifs’. I’m not going to let you become your mother, I swear. I’ll do everything in my power not to let this happen. But honestly, I really think I won’t have to do anything because you’ll simply not turn out like her, I don’t doubt that for a second.” He smiled encouragingly at her. “The girls love you and need you, I know that means the world to you and is one of the reasons you will never turn into your mother.”

Jo looked up, first at her husband, then her daughters. Jane finally ate one of the raisins after she had organised them neatly before her, and Jill babbled something while she looked happily at her mother. Liam was right. Jo couldn’t afford to become her mother, not only because she wanted to be a good wife to Liam, but also because her two little girls were counting on them. She wanted to give them everything that she never got from Elizabeth; a mother’s love.

“I know it’s tough, your mum’s freak-outs and stuff…” Liam grabbed a napkin and wiped some of Jo’s tears off her cheeks. “But you don’t have to deal with this alone, you know that, right?”

Jo nodded quietly.

Liam smiled. “You’re lovely.”

Now a weak smile appeared on Jo’s face as well. It’s been a while since he said those special words to her. She leaned her head against his shoulder and watched her twins.