Jo’s pregnancy journal

Day 1

Today I found out that I am pregnant, well the thought crossed my mind the past couple of weeks but I don’t want a child yet so I pushed the thought aside. But I had this feeling when I went yesterday in the drugstore to buy new shampoo that I would need those tests and after I did them I would know that it is only false alarm and I am just sick again. I’m not ready to share Liam with anyone or be pregnant… But here I am, the bun is in the oven.
What if I lose the baby? Or… will never have one, of course one day in a few years but not now, but what if… what if I am like my mother what if I will lose all babies? Sure Liam says he doesn’t want children but he is young at some point he wants them and he expects me to bear them. But what if I can’t, what if I have one miscarriage after another paired with a few stillborns?
What if he leaves me? What if he gives me a kiss goodbye and walks away? I can’t raise his child all by myself. I mean I can raise a child I have enough support but I can’t have a child look like its daddy and remind me every second of the man I love so much.
Here I am sitting in the Botanical garden not far from where Liam and I had sex during my graduation, and I am alone. Liam is in London because he forgot someone in his flat he moved out a long time ago. I’m sitting here in the last rays of sunshine and wish his mom would still be alive. Maybe I should call Graham and tell him about the baby. I think it is a girl, I don’t know why but I think there is a little Irish girl growing in my stomach. A girl with Liam’s blue eyes and maybe his Irish genes kick in and make the girl a red head. It will be a pretty girl and she will adore her daddy. And she will hate me, I will be too curious and try too hard to be a good mom. She will hate me and be a daddy’s girl, just like I was and you will amaze her by showing her the stars, and Liam will love his little girl so much. And I will just sit at the side line and be not important anymore.
Not to mention that soon I will be fat and ugly and Liam will look for a new girl he can bang.
So no matter what the outcome is, it is a fact that in the end it is just you and me baby. I think I like to give you a strong name. Something like Yvaine. Freedom, well I want you to be free. Saoirse so that you now where you come from, and we gonna keep your daddy’s name even after he left because well I like being an O’Doherty girl and I want you to be one.
If this would just happen in a few years and not now, I could really love you Saoirse.

Day 9

I can’t believe that I’m not a teenager anymore. I feel weird, everyone is expecting so much from me. Mother expects me to be the perfect wife that always satisfies her husband, dad wants me to be happy, Lorelai still sees the super smart geek in me and Liam now not only sees this beautiful girl but also this… mom and I don’t know how to be a mom. Liam had… he might did had a dad but he had a mom and she was perfect so perfect that he knows how to be a parent, but I had no one. Mother was never the caring type and dad tried but he was working so much. I am so scared that I mess this up. What if Saoirse doesn’t love me? What if I do everything wrong I can do wrong? I love you so much baby but I really don’t want let anyone down and this includes you baby.
I like that Liam talk to you Saoirse no that is wrong. I love that he is doing it. That way you can hear your daddy’s voice, he has a beautiful voice hasn’t he? He has the most wonderful accent I can ever think of. Oh Saoirse you can’t imagine how wonderful this world out here is. I try to take very good care of us so that you and I very soon can meet. I will hold you, love you, care for you, and be a mommy. But please Saoirse don’t get mad at me when I screw up, I will try very, very hard that I am a good mom. Not a mother because that I am already but I want to be a real mom, like Catherine was. A mom you will treasure forever in your heart even when I am long gone. I promise I will do everything I can to make you happy. But please Saoirse don’t make mommy so sick in the morning daddy is scared when I am always sick. He worries very much about us. Okay? Be a good girl and don’t make mommy so sick.
I love you Saoirse.

Day 11

Today was the first day I had first breakfast and then puked my guts out. It freaked out Liam majorly he thinks it was the cornflakes with cheese cubes and chocolate in between spoons. But it tasted really good, well until it came out again. I think I won’t eat milk again, Liam explained it to me because of the stomach acid the milk turned sour and this was disgusting. I’m so sorry I scared Liam when I fainted. I just got up too quickly after I puked out my breakfast. I think Liam is really glad that we are going tomorrow to the doctor, even though it scares me. What if something is wrong with the baby or me? I try to eat as healthy and possible, sleep whenever I am too tired, Liam started to forbid me to lift anything, yesterday I was rearranging some books in the library and Liam nearly threw me into bed. It is so cute how worried he is, and then in the middle of a fight well no not a fight but an argument about if I have to sit down or not he hugs me and touches my stomach and tells the baby that he is not mad at her or mommy he just wants to make sure I am okay. He says it very fast in Irish hoping that I don’t understand it but my Irish is getting a lot better.
I’m praying every minute Saoirse, every minute that you are okay. I could not bear to see Liam’s face if something is wrong with you.
Did you like me playing the piano this morning? Well I think you did, my nauseas feeling calmed down. Liam told me that they have this new technology that takes pictures of you. It’s called sonogram, I think. It is a little like X-ray but not just a picture but a film and in real time. Liam said that way we can soon see you, Saoirse I am scared to see you, what if you look weird and Liam doesn’t like what he sees? I really want him to love you, he needs to fall in love with you the first time he sees you. So that he stays, I know this means a lot of pressure for you but try to look really pretty for your daddy when we first see you. I read in a book that you have already fingernails, this sounds well gross and very weird. I mean I love you Saoirse, I love you so much my little girl. Just make sure that your daddy loves you too. Oh and Saoirse no worries daddy doesn’t say I love you, I think he is scared of admitting that he loves us because he could lose us how he lost his mom. Bu she shows with his actions that he loves us, you’ll see. He is the most wonderful man you will ever meet. He’ll show you the stars and tell you everything that there is to know about them, sometimes it can be a little much but just keep listening and likes it when someone listens to him. Oh and Saoirse don’t be like me, never tell daddy that you believe in thinks that are not there like Santa Claus, imaginary friends and other stuff like this daddy doesn’t like when you do that. You can tell me all about it, but not daddy he is not a man that can imagine things. He is too much of a scientist, don’t worry I will try to teach him to be a little more open but just to be on the safe side don’t talk with daddy about things that are not there.
Oh Saoirse don’t do this to mommy I just had some apple juice and you make that mommy gets sick again.

Day 17

Nonononononono Liam come home please, there is something wrong. Why does this have to happen? The doctor said everything is fine it is normal to have light bleeding and I have no cramps but still, I would feel so much better when Liam comes home. Why did I let him go to meet a possible new student in Southampton? Saoirse please don’t do anything stupid, I promise I will take good care of you but please don’t die. Please! I cannot lose you, I love you too much already. Please stay with me, darling. I wish your daddy would be here. I wish your daddy could hold us right now and make sure that we are okay. I love you Saoirse and I can’t lose you not like this not before I proper met you.

Day 23

It is so weird, I think I slowly start to like to be pregnant. I mean I am still scared but I like it. I think I slowly stop puking every morning and when I eat something. Saoirse you really have to stop making Mommy sick, your Daddy worries so much! I can’t believe how mad Lorelai is, she is not just worried but really mad. I mean Liam was angry and shocked, but he wasn’t proper mad! Not like Lor, she is so angry and she wants me, I mean she really wants me to get rid of the baby. How can I not want you sweetheart? How can she wants me to go to a doctor (I think it would do a doctor) and ask him to kill you? She has to sons how can she think that I don’t want you? I mean yes you were not planned at all not at least for another five years but now that you are on your way I can’t think of a better wedding gift, well maybe you Daddy’s I gonna tell you what it was when you are older.

I think things with your dad are getting better, we are intimate again and it feels nice. Well unless there is a construction worker that is watching us while we are doing it. It was disgusting. He was watching us and he enjoyed it. I saw it, his pants he had a boner. I mean why would you want to watch another couple having intercourse and enjoy it? I felt so embarrassed. I mean this man looked at me, he saw me without any clothes on. I thought there would never be another man seeing me naked except Liam, but this man starred at me. I swear if a man ever looks at you like this I gonna kill him, or tell your dad to kill him in a painful way.
I love you Saoirse, I love you so much.

Day 24/Day 1
So I guess it is just you and me now. We gonna be a great team. You and I against the world, and you’ll see I will love you so much that you will never realize that your daddy is not here. One day he will regret that he wanted me to leave, but until then it’s just us girls.
I know I said I would love to call you Saoirse but well it is just you and I know so you need a strong name, Síocháin or maybe Jane or Jillian, then you and I could be J2. I won’t let you down. I promise I will be the best possible mommy I can be. And I will always tell you about your daddy and try to learn before you are born everything about the stars
And I will never raise you the way I got raised. I will teach you how to think and decide for yourself and only help you and not do it for you. I promise you will be a strong and independent girl. And just in case you are a boy, well I do hope you will be like you daddy because he is the best man I have ever met. And it hurts how much he doesn’t know that. He looks in the mirror and sees a boy who wants to be a man, and he doesn’t see that he can stay a boy inside and still be a man.

Day 26
I am so glad that we are back home, and I think your daddy really wants you. Well he wants me and he knows he can just have me with you. It feels nice to be home and… whenever I am worried I remember what your daddy said back at the cottage. That he was scared of losing me, I never realized that he is scared of losing me. I always thought it was me that had to be scared of losing him. Your daddy gave me a note a few days ago. I so hope that he really means what he wrote, because I start to feel the changes I’m under. My boobs are itchy and tender and I read in a book that this means my boobs will grow earlier then I thought but okay. And my hips will widen a little so that my body is ready to give birth. But the best change is that I love your daddy more and more. The more I change the more I love him. I don’t know how to explain it, but I do love him so much. Also he thinks that I will stop loving him the more you grow, but I feel that the more you grow inside of my womb the more I love your daddy. I feel like you are the proof of our love and the larger you grow the more proof you are.
I am so looking forward to the next doctor’s appointment, even though I really don’t like the doctor. He is a very strict man and doesn’t answer any of my questions. He is rude and rather rough, but I am scared to tell Liam I’m not sure what he would do if I tell him. I don’t wanna hurt his feelings, I know he is already jealous of people but I can’t tell him that I think the doctor enjoys examine me. I saw it he was… But nevertheless I am looking forward to the appointment, because the nurse said they will use a new machine that can look inside my belly, it is a little like X-ray but they promised me it does not do any harm to you. But I can see you. I am so looking forward to introduce you to your daddy. He will like it very much.
I my sweet little girl I’m longing for the day you and your daddy can meet the very first time.

Day 27
Oh Holy Mother of Christ I saw you my little peanut and I heard your heartbeat. And the best part your daddy fell in love with you. You are little peanut, I’m sorry I’m calling you a nut but even though you looked already like a tiny human you were in some kind of peanut area. I think Liam said that is amniotic sac. It is a protection layer around you, but it looks like a peanut so from now on you are my little peanut.
Anyway your daddy was really quiet when he saw you, and he was so happy. He won’t tell me but I saw it in his eyes that he is happy. He is scared to fall in love with you because I think he is scared when he loves you that he could lose you too. But I know he loves you, because you must know your daddy is a weird man he has troubles saying I love you but he finds other ways in telling you that he loves you very, very much. I won’t tell you what he says to me because that is a secret between me and your daddy.
Oh peanut I really wish the time would pass quicker I want to see your daddy’s face when he first sees you.

Day 36
Your daddy got a present from me, a stethoscope and guess what he loves listening to your heartbeat.
Just your grandma doesn’t want you. She thinks I am crazy and that you gonna kill me. I think today was the day of proof that your grandmother never wanted children. But I do want you and your daddy wants you too, even though we both would have planned to meet you not for another five years. But here we are.
Lorelai is not happy about you but she is not mad anymore. Which is good. Oh and so far no one noticed that my boobs are bigger, maybe because I’m wearing your daddy’s jumpers. I just hope it takes some time until someone notices. I’m not ready yet. I don’t know it took me so long to accept my boobs in the first place and now growing boobs mean I have to get used to them again. I think it was mother that scared me so much of my own body. She said it is a sin to touch myself in any way, or look at myself or God forbid pleasure myself. And of course is the monthly bleeding the curse of God for the failure Eve to resist the temptation. And even though I know all this is not true or just partly it still scares me. I am so glad Lorelai explained me everything about sex and those things or when your daddy and I got together I would have known nothing even about my own anatomy. Oh I’m not looking forward to teach you about those things, because I clearly don’t want you to be scared of your body.
It is so cute how much your daddy loves to listen to your heartbeat, and he always finds it. I have difficulties to do so. For some reason you keep hiding from me, but you do come out of hiding as soon your daddy talks to you. I’m sure you will be a daddy’s girl, which is totally fine. Your daddy is a good man.
My little peanut please be a good girl and grow well in my womb I try my very best that you can do so. I love you.

Day 37
Peanut I swear I will never ever punish you like Mother did. I know that it is not a sin to want to know how your body looks like and how it works. I promise I will find a way to explain you everything, well okay only if you really are a girl I can’t talk to a boy about this, well I can’t talk to a boy about sex. No wait that is not true. Even when you are a boy I will talk to you what girls like even when I know we both will feel awkward. I will never ever see a scar on your body cause by me or your daddy on purpose. I won’t let this happen.
Oh peanut what if your daddy doesn’t believe me, that I never slept with him against my will. I mean he saw how I reacted when I was kidnapped, he saw that I could never have slept with him just to please him. I mean I’m not sure what I remember of that time so I will never be sure, but I know how I felt afterwards, and that was just from remembering that this man touched me. Your daddy never ever hurt me. Not once, just sometimes when he only see my body it scares me. It scares me of what happens when I change, when I gain weight when my boobs get bigger and saggy, when I grow old. I am scared that he will miss the body I have right now, the body he loves and that he leaves me. I am scared that one day he sees that I am not as pretty as I am now and he exchanges me for a younger firmer version of me. That is what scares me, that is what put the ribbon back around my wrist that after everything I am not the one. I know he loves me and I know he likes that I have a mind on my own but in moments when he objectifies me it doesn’t seem to matter all those other things your daddy loves in me.
Oh peanut if I just could feel you inside of me, sometimes I think I feel you but I am not sure. It feels weird. I know the first time I feel you move inside of me I want your daddy to be there. And I don’t want him not to be afraid of touching me. I love when his gentle hands touch me softly. It makes all those butterflies in my stomach fly. I love this feeling.

Day 71
I had a doctor’s appointment today again, I really don’t like my doctor. I actually had some questions but I never dare to ask them. Liam held my hand during the examination which was really nice, he always looks weird when we see the ultrasound pictures. Today there were some difficulties with the pictures, the assisting nurse assured me that it is not the baby that is anything wrong with. Just the machine, but it still got me worried. Since a few days I feel like something isn’t going as it should go. I can’t explain what it is but there is something we should know I wish I had a doctor I can more talk to. I don’t know what to do, Liam is already annoyed that we have less sex but it is hard. I do want to sleep with Liam but it doesn’t feel as pleasurable anymore. I know he really likes touching me and he is a lot nicer about this fact, but still it feels weird to sleep with him.
Peanut I hope you never see what I did with Lorelai a few days ago, I know your daddy will like it a lot. But I’m scared to give him the present yet. I don’t know I think I give it to him later when I really can’t sleep with him anymore. But it was for sure so weird to do this. No one ever saw me naked in that way. I mean yes my gynaecologist sees me, but he doesn’t see me like this. But with Lorelai, she saw me in an erotic way naked. I was so stiff and kept asking her if really no one will be able to see me. She gave me the finished book today and it does look amazing but if ever anyone sees it I would so die!

Day 94
I read a really nice quote today. Once you become a mother you stop being the picture and start being the frame. I don’t think this is true. Well no I mean I do think that when children are born the mother becomes the frame, I don’t think a mother can be the frame alone. Only together can the parents be the frame. Peanut it scares me how big my stomach is. I am actually still pretty thin but my belly and my boobs are huge and I still have until May. And I am so cold no matter how many layers I am wearing. I am always close to the fire places. I’m not sure I like being pregnant no that is wrong I do like it but so many things happening that scare me and I still feel like something is wrong. I just wish I could tell Liam or my doctor but my doctor scares the hell out of me. Just last week he told me that he thinks I don’t have the pelvis to give birth. He said if I would have lived fifty years ago I most likely will die in childbirth. Why does he scare me so much? I don’t like him and I start to feel I don’t want him to be there when I am in labour.

Day 96
I can’t do it anymore. The past days I barely let Liam touch me let alone sleep with him, and the few times we were intimate I hardly kept it together. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I love Liam so much and I do think about that I want him, but then when he starts to touch me I feel like my skin freezes and I feel so uncomfortable no matter what he is doing. I don’t understand this. I wanna sleep with my husband!

*tears smudge the ink in several places*

Day 104
I think the Christmas party was a huge success well as long I don’t think about what Mother said to me. You daddy is really cute, he always protects us. Mother called me big and in her words this means fat and your daddy drew his sword. “She’s not big, she’s pregnant. What do you expect from a girl in her fifth month?” He sounded so grumpy and it was awesome. I love my husband, I just wish I could show him how much I love him and sleep with him. I know he really wants to have sex with me. It scares me how much the thought of sleeping with him scares me.

Day 107
I am so excited all animals arrived. And they look all happy and well. But I think Liam is not too happy about it, well he might is okayish with the animals but he really seems not to like Matt. Not sure why. I mean Matt must be the same age as Dick is and he is a lot friendlier. Matt is so friendly and polite to me. I think Liam is jealous, but Matt is not at all any competition and I don’t think Matt likes girls like me. I mean I am pregnant and I am so young I am about fifteen years younger, I could nearly be his daughter. The thought is just gross I don’t think Matt finds me attractive. Oh no I hope Liam doesn’t think I could have an affair with matt just because Matt likes animals. I never ever can think of sleeping with someone else as Liam. I cannot even imagine to kiss another man. Oh peanut why are you doing this to me, your daddy needs to sleep with me to know how much I love him. Words are not enough and here I am not able to let him touch me. Each time I think of him sleeping with me I feel like it is tearing me apart inside… I guess I have to play along today. I just have to even when it hurts me but being married means making compromises.

Day 108
I hate doing this. I really, really hope you never have to give a man a blowjob. It is gross and makes me gag every time I do it, but here I am giving my husband, the love of my life a blowjob because I can’t sleep with him, because I feel horrible when he enters me. But I think Liam really, really likes what I did. He looks more relaxed again. And I do prefer being the one pleasuring Liam as hearing him in the bathroom masturbate under the shower. I’m worried about who he thinks while he masturbates. What he is thinks of another woman and not his annoying wife? What if your daddy is cheating on me in his mind?

Day 109
*tear smudges make the page difficult to read*
OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD! She is so beautiful. Why am I such a big fat ugly cow right now? Why does she have to be so pretty, I mean I said Liam can sleep with another woman but not one of the teachers of our school! Peanut I really love you but I wish right now you wouldn’t make me so ugly. I mean even my feet are swollen and wobbly! I mean I wasn’t pretty from the beginning, I looked okay but now I am pug-ugly! It’s making me sick to look at myself. I don’t wanna lose my husband! Not when I am so dreadful looking.

Day 109 part 2
This will work, somehow it has to work. Damn it this is the worst time ever to be pregnant, couldn’t you wait a little bit longer until I receive you peanut? We are opening a school for Christ Sake, and apparently the teachers are insanely hot except of me. I bet Liam even prefers Evelyn over me, I mean she is an older woman but still attractive. I hate being a fat ugly cow! I should have asked Liam to invent a thing to let you grow in and I can stay pretty enough for him. I see it in his eyes he hates me and just stays because he thinks he has to stay. But I would let him go if he really wants to go.

Day 118
I don’t understand this, why is your daddy so…. so urgh I don’t even have a word for it. I know he loves you but why can’t he show it. He used to have this special way of showing me that he loves me but lately I feel like he stopped loving me the moment I found out that I am pregnant with you. I don’t blame you peanut! I never did and I never will, but I just don’t understand it. I mean I thought that he just had a hard time connecting with you but now he can feel you, he felt you kick or box and he still doesn’t seem to be able to connect with you. He is not even trying. I know he is upset that I don’t like to have sex with him anymore but that is just a phase a few weeks after you are born I will have sex with him again, I’m looking forward to this day. I will make sure it will be really special… but that is not the point because there is no need to hope and look forward to this day when Liam doesn’t want to sleep with me anymore. He often works late in his lab and a few nights he even sleeps down there. I know I am ugly but am I tat ugly that he can’t bear to sleep with me in one bed anymore? Why didn’t’ he say anything else when he felt you? Maybe I should have listened to my heart when I had the chance. I think peanut he loves you but he doesn’t want you. I went to the townhouse a few days ago and I got adoption papers. I love you very, very much peanut but I don’t want to spend my life with you, I am only a part of your life and your daddy is my life. I have to do what is best for our life and I think you will be a lot happier if you grow up in a family that really is ready for you. I will make sure you still see us and know us but we will not be more as friends of your parents. I won’t tell Liam yet about this papers but I will tell him after you are born. I will tell him that it is not yet our time to have the responsibility and luck to have a precious little treasure in our life.
I hope one day you understand that I can’t pick you over the love of my life. I know that a marriage is not easy and you have to work for it every single day but it is worth it. Because I know that I wouldn’t be able to life without your daddy! He is my other half. He is the air I breathe. I know how unhealthy this sounds but as long as he has a tiny amount of love for me in him I will always, always do everything in my power to make him happy. And I think it is not our time to be a daddy and a mommy.
I will make sure you have a really good home though. Maybe I will talk to Lorelai about it and she will adopt you. She is good with children but she feels too old to give birth to more. So maybe you are the present from heaven for her. And she will be a very good mommy, I know she will peanut and that way I and Liam will be your Auntie Jo and Uncle Liam.
I think this is the right thing to do, I don’t want us to be a family because everyone expects us to be. That is why I said no to Liam’s first proposal. I thought he is just proposing because everyone expects him to do it and not because he really wants to marry me. I mean even before I got pregnant I wasn’t stunningly pretty. I guess I looked okay, but I wasn’t…. a Goddess. I am just a girl. So I guess I can be happy that he is so jealous of you because it means he loves me, for some reason I really don’t understand. And I know he cares for you too, but he can’t yet love you like a daddy. He needs to learn to love a child and that will come with time through teaching children the wonders of the world.
Oh Peanut I wish you would have come in a few years into our lives. I really do, so that you would have seen how much your daddy loves you. Even when he has a very weird way of showing it. But unfortunately God made a mistake. Maybe Liam is right and there is actually no God, because how can God make a mistake when he knows everything? I am praying to find answers but I just find more questions. I wish Anne would be here, she would know what to do. But she is not here. I just have my Mother who thinks I am carrying the child of the devil under my heart. While I know you are so much more. You are the fruit of your daddy’s and my love. Oh Peanut I hope you will understand one day why I had to do what I will do. I love you so much, but a life without your daddy would be for me light the night all stars vanished from the sky. I can’t lose him! I just can’t! I rather die than live a second without him being my love!

Day 125
Your daddy is a weird guy. He cares insanely for you and I had no idea how much he loves you. Peanut he is crazy about you and here I was actually considering to give you up for adoption. I mean you, our peanut the fruit of the love of your daddy and me. I will never
I don’t understand how can your dad love me or more wants me? I am ugly and so fat and disgusting. But he really seems to want me. I mean he said he masturbates and thinks of me. It is weird to find out how much I arouse him even when I am that big and heavy. I don’t know I look so gross and I feel so gross.
I’m so fat that I need new clothes again. Lorelai promised me to go shopping with me. Not that I really look forward to that. Shopping is so exhausting.

Day 180
I can’t believe Liam thought of it. It is Mother’s Day and your daddy got me my favourite pastries. And it is so freaky to see how much you calmed down when daddy is talking. Peanut I hope you know what a wonderful man your daddy is. He is loving and caring and he is a really good protector. I think your daddy is the strongest man on the entire world. I still remember the night I first met him. He was all handsome and cute and so under the spell of Lorelai and then the night of the summer concert I really thought he didn’t come but then there he was. We had ups and downs but I always knew that he loved me. Mother might not see it but I do when he does little things like this breakfast. And he doesn’t even understand that he is so hot. When he mentioned our wedding night a part of me wanted to rip of his clothes and let him nail hard right here in the bed but there was this uncomfortable feeling down in my knickers. I feel like I need to pee every five seconds and the thought of your daddy being that close to me is like… I guess as the thought for your daddy is to have sex with a man.
But I can get used to this treatment at Mother’s Day. I love it and I love your daddy so insanely much that I have no idea how to put it into words!

Day 183
What if your daddy is homosexual? What if that is why he is so attached to Dick because he actually loves him. I… I can’t believe I never noticed it, but it does make a lot of sense now. I mean he said he is not into men but I don’t know. Maybe I am not woman enough for him that he had to realize that he is also interested into boys. I mean Alfie is interested in boys and girls. Maybe so is Liam. If I would just be more arousing like Lorelai, I could satisfy him. I always knew I am not satisfying enough for him. He needs a girl that can. I just wish I could, I really do I love him so much and all I want to be is the girl that is everything for him, but I am not. It is just a matter of time until he sees that and he leaves me and this time I don’t know if I can stop him. Because I know now that he is not satisfied by me.

Day 185
This was the weirdest day ever. Ricky had been talking to Dick and first Liam got jealous and then Alfie went totally crazy and was so insanely jealous that I couldn’t even find it funny. It was kind of cute. But your daddy was even cuter, I like when we snuggle. It feels so good to be so close with him, and at the same time it hurts not to be able to sleep with him. I so want to feel your daddy inside of me. I think I wasn’t so horny ever in my entire life. But for now all I get is snuggle with your daddy…

Day 194
I think your daddy liked his birthday, I could just give him a blowjob I wish I could have given him more. I think he wished for me to let him have sex with me, I hoped I could have you know first start with a blowjob and then do more, but… the thought terrified me.
But all in all I really like being pregnant, it feels nice. Well most of the times when you don’t kick my kidneys or my heart. I really like how loving your daddy is, I know he doesn’t tell me so often anymore that I am lovely but I see in the way how he takes care of me that he loves me. And every day I get uglier and I know that, I try to look pretty for him but I don’t think I do.

Day 199
*the text is smudged from tears*
I had today the first time contractions, they were just false pains but it hurt so much. And it scared me because they started when your daddy wasn’t with me. Peanut what will I do when I really go into labour and your daddy isn’t close by? I can’t do this on my own, I can’t! I need your daddy! I need him so much, it scares me to remember that I was willing to do it on my own, to raise you. I love you but there can go so much wrong and I need your daddy to keep calm to keep me down on earth. It sounds silly but with is logical thinking he keeps me from freaking out about things like false labour pains. He keeps me sane!