Growing Up

Two things confused Liam at the same time. One thing was that Jo kept talking about one baby most of the time, not about two, as if she wasn’t aware that she had twins. The other thing that confused him was how much she insisted of not having more children. Yes, of course, he totally agreed with her, he was definitely done with children, two were plenty, but for as long as he could remember- well, when she started talking about babies back in the days- she always seemed like she didn’t mind having a few. She didn’t want a whole football team, but she was fond of the idea of having a few children, and right now it seemed like she didn’t even understand that she had more than one.
“Two”, Liam said calmly.

Jo looked confused at him. “What?”

“We have two children. And yes, that is enough, I don’t want more children either. We have about eighteen years of work ahead of us, and being parents is some damn exhausting work. So yeah, two are more than enough.” He never wanted more than one in the first place, but well, what can you do when you have twins? After all, he didn’t have the heart to give one of them away, not after he held them both, so tiny and perfect and absolutely beautiful.

Jo nodded quietly but didn’t look at him.

“Jo, is there something you want to tell me? You seem a little…I don’t know…changed.”

She immediately looked up. “Changed? What…am I doing something wrong?”

Liam shook his head. “No, no, it’s just…just forget it.” He kissed her on the cheek.


The next morning Liam woke up after having a wet dream. He had those a lot lately because he wanted his wife so badly but she still didn’t sleep with him, although the birth was over three weeks ago. Liam started to feel really impatient, but every time he started moving his hand over her body she turned away. He had looked at more Playboys the past days than he had in years, simply because he needed something to look at and he didn’t even feel bad for looking at other naked women since he started to get really desperate. He tried to ignore it, but his needs grew stronger with every day and made it impossible to ignore. So when he woke up this morning after he dreamed of their wedding night, he couldn’t push this feeling aside anymore, leaned over to Jo and started kissing her neck. It was very gentle at first because she was still sleeping but then he felt how his urge grew as he tasted her skin and his hand wandered under her pyjama top over her breasts. Jo immediately flinched but he misinterpreted it and thought she only flinched because he woke her up, so he continued.

“Liam…” She touched his hand and tried to get it away from her breasts but he continued touching them while he kissed her less gentle and more determined now. “Liam, stop it!” She didn’t mean to push him away, but otherwise he wouldn’t have listened. He looked a bit hurt.

“Fine”, he said coldly and got up. “Guess I’ll take care of it myself then. Again.”

“I’m sorry, I-“

“Whatever.” He went into the bathroom and shut the door behind him.

Jo was sitting shivering in their bed. She got up and wrapped her bathing rope tightly around her waist. She went into her daughters room, she locked Jill’s room door and then Jane’s. She was sitting in the comfortable armchair and breast fed Jane.

“Why is your daddy just so obsessed with boobies? I don’t understand that you like them a lot but they feed you my little angel.” The sudden crying of Jill confused Jo. “Oh your other half is hungry too.”

Jo got up and managed to get Jill out of her bed and this time she sat down on the floor. After both girls were fed she curled up and hummed to her baby, she knew she could stay in here for a while. Jo didn’t understand why Liam didn’t get that she needed more time.

“I’m so sorry Liam, I don’t mean to be the worst wife and mommy. I love him so much why can’t I show him?” Jo new that neither Jill nor Jane could answer her, but she knew she had to do something. And something was wrong with her, she felt it but she couldn’t grasp it.

The past three days haven’t been good at all, and both Jo and Liam couldn’t deny that. Everytime he came too close to her, she started to back away, and as a result he spent most of his time in his lab and avoided her while she spent a lot of time locked up in the girls’ rooms. Then, on the third night, Jo didn’t even come out of Jill’s room anymore and slept there with the girls, not even telling Liam that she wouldn’t come to bed. He started to get pissed, and not just a bit. He felt like his fear came true and she only cared about the girls from now on. He felt used and started wondering if she only slept with him the past years to get pregnant, and now that she had two children she no longer needed him. He was in fact really hurt, and he didn’t even bother looking for her when she slept on the girls’ room. She was happy without him anyway.
That night he barely slept, constantly checking if she was still not by his side- and she wasn’t- and when he woke up the next day he was no longer just hurt but really mad. He got up and got dressed, not caring at all that his hair was still all over the place and that he basically looked like crap from not sleeping last night.
When Liam left the bedroom, he hesitated for a moment and thought of checking on Jo, but then he decided against it and went straight to the kitchen. He stopped immediately when he saw Jo in the kitchen, still dressed in her pyjamas. She turned around just the moment when he walked in.
“Hey…”, she said shyly. “I’m sorry, I fell asleep in Jill’s room yesterday and was too tired to get up.”

Liam didn’t say anything at first. “Is that going to be a habit from now on? Sleeping there?”

“No, of course not.” She could tell that he was hurt, and that made her feel even more awful, so she took a deep breath, walked to him and put his arms around him. “I’m sorry”, she whispered.
Liam didn’t have any expression on his face, but when she stood so close to him he could feel how much his body wanted her and he started kissing her neck. His hand wandered slowly upwards, but as soon as he touched her breasts she pulled away from him.

“Not now”, she mumbled, not meeting his eyes.

“Not now? You keep on telling me that since months!”

She bit her lip. “I’m sorry.”

Liam had reached the point where he had enough, his patience stopped right there. For months now she kept pushing him away, and he was tired of it, really fed up. He wanted to touch his wife again, was that too much to ask? He was pretty sure Jo wanted it too, she was just too scared for some reason, so all she needed was a push, and he would no longer wait but finally give her that push.
“You know what? I’m done waiting! I’ve waited for over seven bloody months, and now it’s my turn and as your husband I bloody have the right to fuck you whenever I want, and I want it now. You’re my wife, it’s your duty, so do your fucking job!”

Jo didn’t even have the chance to say anything in defence, he already pushed her hard against the wall and ripped her pyjama top open, then his hands grasped her wrists and pressed her arms against the wall as well.
Jo’s eyes widened in shock and she opened her mouth to say something but then he pressed his lips harshly on hers. She tried to turn her face away, but he didn’t let her. His kisses wandered down her neck, so roughly that she was sure she would have hickeys later.
“Liam, please stop”, she said, tears forming in her eyes, but he continued, his kisses growing more demanding. “Liam, stop it!”
But he didn’t stop. He didn’t even really hear Jo. He stopped thinking with his brain for once and just gave in to the urges he had to suppress for the last months.

“Stop, I –“, she couldn’t finish because he pressed his lips on hers again to make her shut up. His grasp around her wrists got tighter and started to really hurt her. It scared her how much stronger he was than her, she always knew he was stronger than her, but not like that. That boy who pushed her roughly against the wall and pressed his body on hers, that wasn’t him…Where did he suddenly get that strength from? It scared her, more than anything. He scared her.
Liam didn’t notice how terrified she looked and that she started to cry, he forgot about everything, he didn’t notice anything around him anymore. The moment he released one of her hands because he tried to pull her pyjama pants down, she finally had a chance to defend herself, but not very well. She got hold of his shoulder and tried to push him away, but then his hand jolted up again and grabbed her arm harshly.

“You’re hurting me”, she said, but he obviously didn’t hear her, because he kept going. “Liam, you’re hurting me!”

Jo cried silently. “Liam, you are hurting me, I can’t, please stop…” She was begging her husband but he didn’t care that he did. Liam was rough and all he wanted to do was have sex with his wife, right here and now. And then it happened again just like when the man in London touched her, she pulled back into her own world. And the second Jo realized she was going to hide in her safe place in her mind she knew this was gone too far. The young woman pulled her head away, took all her courage together pulled her hands free and pushed Liam away from herself. She was just as surprised as Liam how strong she was, but Liam stumbled backwards. Jo ran out of the kitchen and back into Jane’s room and locked it. She took one of the jumpers she had in Jane’s room and curled up on the floor. Liam had promised her never to hurt her, and he never did. But right now her husband she loved so much didn’t understand that she needed time and his support and not him trying to rape his own wife. Jo wasn’t sure how long she was curled up on the floor when she suddenly got up. After she had slept the first time with Liam he had promised her that they would go together to hell, but it didn’t feel like it anymore. She was in hell all alone. Jo grabbed Jane and Jill managed to unlock the door and ran just as she thought she would into Liam.

“Where are you going?” He asked coldly.

Jo flinched and pressed both girls closer to her. “I am leaving and this time no note and I don’t give a damn what you are doing, but I hope you are going to hell and I do hope it is worse than the hell I am in because of you. So go fuck yourself!” Jo looked one last time at her love of her life and she felt her heart break and the worst thing was he took her heart and crashed it making sure it was beyond repair. Jo opened the front door and walked out. She didn’t care for anything she just walked all the way to the Gruensee house.
It was Lorelai that opened the door and when she saw her little cousin it froze her blood in her veins.

“Josey!? Come in! What happened?” Lorelai led Jo in the living room. Jo more or less collapsed on the couch, not letting her girls go.

“I left Liam. He… since the peanut…” Jo closed her eyes. “… two babies, I’ve got to babies.” Jo sighed. “… since the munchkins are born Liam wants to sleep with me again, but I can’t, not yet. And today he… he tried to force himself onto me.” Jo looked guilty away.

“He did what?” Lorelai looked angry at Jo. “He tried to rape you?”

Jo nodded but couldn’t look at her big cousin..

“Listen, you go take a shower or better a bath.”

“But the girls.”

“The girls will be fine. We’ll put them into Henry’s bed, it still has the bars. And we will ask the boys to watch them. They like watching stuff for me.” Lorelai took one of the girls. “Is this Jane?”

Jo looked at the baby. “I don’t know… she wears a wristband. Pink is Jane and green is Jill.”

“That is a smart idea I like it.” Lorelai didn’t think it was weird that Jo could not yet keep them apart. They were tiny and looked like the perfect imagine of each other.

“So green wristband that makes you little girl Jill. Come on the boys will love to meet the twins.” Jo followed Lorelai in Henry’s room. “Okay boys see who is here, Jane and Jill. I want you two to be watching them while they sleep okay?”

“Okay mommy.” Edward and Henry dropped their toys pulled the small mattress they used as a play place. The two little boys kneeled down on it starting to watch the still empty bed. Lorelai giggled and put down Jill.
She saw that Jo looked worried but she took Jane from her arm anyway.

“Hellooo! Where are you all?” John called from the front door carrying lots of groceries.

“We are in Henry’s room, Jo is here with the twins.” Lorelai smiled at Jo who was watching her twins like the boys did, well they broke for a moment their concentration.

“Daddy!” Henry shouted getting slowly up and ran wobbly to greet his dad.

“Dad we are on a mission. A protection mission.” Edward told his dad proud.

“Oh a protection mission, are the best missions. Who are you protecting? Hello Jo, congratulations to your two lovely girls.” John had left the groceries in the corridor and had come upstairs to greet his wife, sons and little sister. He didn’t comment her appearance or the fact that she smelled a little bit strong.

“Josey was on her way to take a bath, and the boys I watching Jane and Jill. So…. Special Mini Agents! Start of the missions is… now!” Lorelai laughed when both girls ran back to their post and watched the twins. And the boys kept getting up and sat down again, only one at a time going close to the bed, touched the little hand of the twins and sitting back down.

“What are they doing?” Jo asked confused.

“Oh simple they are making sure by very gently pressing on the girls fingers to check the circulation is still normally functioning. Don’t worry I taught them to do it very gently that they are never hurt.”John was holding an arm protectively around Jo’s shoulders. Jo nodded still a little unsure but John was a good man and a good father he would never let her girls get hurt.

“Come on Josey, you need to relax a little and I will make something to eat okay?” Lorelai pushed Jo in the bathroom and helped her out of her clothes. Lorelai knew how shy Jo was so she made sure not to look at her too closely, but she saw the bruised forming on her wrists and on her back where Liam had pushed her against the wall. Lorelai felt awful seeing her like that. Jo went into the hot water and let her sore body soak.

Lorelai went to John and told him what happen. “Liam did what? How can he?” John looked shocked at his wife.

“I know tell me about it. Listen I will go over to him and kick some sense into him, and I would ask you to call Graham. I think Liam needs a talk with his father.”

“Yes I will. But I think you should let him stew for a little while in his guilt. And stay here with Jo. I mean we all will be with her. Can you give me some fresh clothes for Josey and also any instructions with the twins?” John asked gently. He looked at his wife and wondered if he would ever have forced himself on Lorelai, but by looking at her he knew he wouldn’t. Sex is something you do together not alone and he knew that but apparently Liam didn’t. A long while later Jo came from the bathroom and was searching Lorelai and clothes. Jo was snuggle into a chair just outside the garden while John was playing football with his sons while Lorelai was sitting with Jo and her twins. The day passed by, in the afternoon Lorelai kissed the sleeping Jo in the cheek and hugged her husband.

“I’m going to kick his ass, rip him a new one, after that his goddess will so fallen out of his sky and crash landed on his tiny planet of stupidity.”

“I love you Lory.” John pulled her close and still couldn’t believe that someone would try to rape the own wife.

When Jo ran away from him, all he wanted to do was to run after her and get her back, but he couldn’t move. Even his heartbeat seemed to have stopped.
Did he just really do this? Did he just hurt the person he loved most? And no, this time it wasn’t ‘just’ mentally hurting, which he had done before. This time it was physical, which he had never done before and had never thought to ever do to her. He could barely breathe. This couldn’t be happening. He wasn’t that kind of man who hurt his wife…was he?
“Jo?” His voice sounded like that of a little boy. He knew she was already gone and couldn’t hear him, and she had taken the girls with her. “Jo…”
He turned around as if she was still there, but she was gone, and he didn’t know if she would be coming back. He had lost her. He had lost another person that he loved so much. Again. But this time it was completely his fault. His heart started to feel incredibly heavy, just like the time when he lost his mum. The thought of losing Jo hurt him, but the fact that he was the reason for losing her killed him. He didn’t know what to do, he just looked helplessly into the direction where Jo had vanished. He could try to find her, but he was not able to face her, not after what he had done to her. This time he couldn’t just apologize to her or sing a song to tell her how sorry he was. This time he had lost her. He had really lost her.
Liam didn’t think straight, he just grabbed the keys and ran outside. Despite the cold wind that was blowing, he wasn’t wearing any jacket. He didn’t notice the cold anyway, he just left the ground of Waterfall Downs and ran over the fields as if he had to flee from something. He didn’t really know where he was going, he couldn’t get one straight thought into his head. All he could think of was that he lost Jo, and that he was one of those men his mother wished he would never become.
After a while Liam slowed down a bit and the rain had begun to fall. It wasn’t heavy rain, but still enough to get him wet. He had no idea what time it was or how long he had been outside, but it must have been a while. He was about to find a place to sit when he spotted a small church, a bit outside the town. Liam had seen this church before, but he never went inside.
When he entered the church, his wet hair was glued to his forehead, and his clothes were soaking, but he didn’t care. He was glad to find the church empty, he really didn’t want to be among people right now. It’s been a while since he was in a church and it felt weird for him to be here. It was actually a nice church, small and simple, obviously not Catholic. He walked to the front and sat down in the first row, burying his face behind his hands and taking a deep breath. He still had troubles breathing, not because he walked so fast through the fields but because his heart literally felt like a huge pile of stones were covering it.
“I’m so sorry, Jo”, he whispered. He didn’t see the old man who approached him slowly and sat down next to him.

“You seem troubled, young man”, he said with a gentle voice. “Is there anything I can do for you?”

Liam looked up. He must have looked like a beaten little fox cub, because the older man looked like he was about to give him a hug. Liam didn’t say anything. He wanted to tell him that he wanted to be alone, but he couldn’t get a word out.

“I’m Reverend Blake. You can feel free to talk to me, it will stay among us, I promise.” The Reverend could tell that the young man had troubles opening up to him, but he also could tell that he needed to open up otherwise the thing that troubled him would eat him.

Liam didn’t know why he was actually talking to this guy, he normally would have never confessed things to a church guy, but right now he was so desperate and couldn’t think straight that he just started talking.
“Don’t think that I will become religious now just because I talk to you, and don’t think that I will start going to church on a regular basis. I’m not religious, okay? I don’t believe in…there are things that I just don’t believe…”

Reverend Blake smiled politely. “That is okay. I’m not here to convert you, I’m just here to listen.”

Liam hesitated for a moment. “Can I ask you something? Let’s say there is a God…why does he let people do something evil? Why can’t he stop them? Why does he let good people like my mum die, and keeps bad people like me alive? That’s not fair. I wish I would have died in her place. She never hurt anybody, why couldn’t she stay alive? Why was I kept alive instead of her? So that I can some years later find someone whose life I can ruin? Someone I can hurt?”

The Reverend looked at the boy quietly. He didn’t know what Liam had done, but he knew that this boy wasn’t evil. Quite the opposite, he seemed very vulnerable. He also didn’t know how old he was, he assumed about twenty, but there was something incredibly child-like and insecure about him that it was obvious that this young man was still a little boy at heart.
“You know, God forgives-“

“I don’t want him to forgive”, Liam interrupted him harshly. “First of all, I don’t even think that he exists, and secondly, if he does exist I hope he better thinks of something to get the fuck rid of me so that I can’t hurt any more people.” He took a deep breath and stared ashamed at his hands. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to yell at you.”

“That’s all right, son. You can let it out, it’s good for you.”

“I don’t want any forgiveness, from anyone. It wouldn’t be fair”, he mumbled. “I hurt someone today. Not just someone, but the one person who…the kindest, most caring…loveliest person I know. I only knew one person like her, and I lost her, and now I’m going to lose her too. And I deserve that, I so deserve to lose her after what I did to her, but it’s killing me that this person…this girl, this lovely girl was hurt. And not only hurt by anyone, but by me, the one person who promised her to always take care of her, to never hurt her. I don’t want her to forgive me. I want her to forget me, to go on with her life, to find someone who will love her and take care of her the way she deserves. I wish…I wish I would have never come into her life.” Liam fell silent for a moment. “And I’m glad…” His voice started to tremble and it was the first time he didn’t care that someone saw him like that. “I never thought I would say that, but I’m actually glad my mother isn’t alive anymore so she doesn’t have to see what kind of monster her son has become.”
Now he felt them. He had already felt them in his eyes, but now they were silently running over his cheeks like the rain just had when he was outside. Usually he would have wiped away the tears immediately, but now he just let them come and didn’t bother hiding it anymore. And when the Reverend pulled him into a hug he didn’t back away, quite the opposite, it felt good, and he didn’t care that out of all people it was some stranger from the church who hugged him.

“It’s okay, son.”

“It’s not okay”, Liam mumbled into his shoulder. “It’s never going to be okay again.”

“I’m aware that you don’t want to be forgiven, but you will be, especially by those who love you, so you have to accept that and learn from your mistakes, but that doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person. I know you don’t want to hear it, but admitting that you have done something wrong shows some strength, and you will especially show strength not in leaving the person that you hurt, but in trying everything to keep her. I can tell that she means the world to you.”

“She’s my wife”, Liam said quietly. “She’s the mother of my children.”

Reverend Blake seemed a bit surprised since he had clearly not expected that very young-looking man to be a husband, not to mention a father, but then he smiled gently. “Then you especially have to fight for her. Yes, you did a mistake and can’t take it back, but you can’t back away now. You have to let her know that you love her. Leaving her now would only send out the message that you hurt her on purpose to get away from her, and you don’t want that, do you?”

Liam shook his head.

“And your mother…”, the Reverend said while looking into the boy’s eyes. “Do something that would have made her proud. Don’t run away from the girl you love.”

Liam didn’t react. He didn’t even blink. He wanted to tell the Reverend that all he wanted was Jo’s happiness and safety, and that he was convinced that she could only achieve this when she was no longer with him, but he knew the Reverend wouldn’t understand, so instead of telling him that he was the worst thing that happened to Jo, he just nodded.

Liam had no idea what time it was when he got home. It was quiet in the flat, and when he opened the door to Jane’s nursery- almost in the hope to find his girls in there- he knew that Jo still hasn’t come back. He closed the door again, went to the living room and froze when he realized he wasn’t alone.

Lorelai starred at Liam he was soaked, and actually he looked as if he had been crying –unbelievable and shocking but a sign that there was still hope–.

“I’ve been waiting for you.” Lorelai said ice cold from the couch.
Liam didn’t answer he turned on the light and went into the kitchen to get a glass of water more to keep him busy.

“I guess you are not surprised that I am here. Josey is if you are care safe at the ranch and so are you daughters.” Lorelai was leaning against the counter that separated the living room from the kitchen. Liam put his glass down and still just looked at the wall behind the sink.

“LIAM! Look at me!” Lorelai yelled at him, but he didn’t react at all he didn’t even flinch, which made Lorelai just angrier as she already was. With a few steps Lorelai reach Liam and pushed him by the shoulder to look at him and then when she saw into Liam’s eyes. It broke her heart, how could someone she loved so much… like her own brother hurt the girl of his dreams? Was he really just deep down a macho who wanted his wife to spread her legs whenever he needed a fuck? In that moment Lorelai lost it and punched him hard into the solar plexus. Liam stumbled backwards and then vomited on the floor, but he didn’t seem to want to fight back. He just stand up straight again and looked at the floor.

“God dammit Liam fight back, be a man! I’m just a girl, just like Josey.” Lorelai pushed him again and again until he fell on the floor and then she did something she hated to do, she kicked him hard into the kidneys, hard enough that it would hurt for a while but not do permanent damage. “What’s wrong do you just hit defenceless girls?”

She pulled him up and shook him for a long time until they fell together on the floor. “Seriously Liam why do you get it, you are not alone! When you have a problem talk to your friends… your family.”

“I have no family anymore.” Liam crowed.

“Oh right play the My-mommy-die-too-early-and-raised-me-alone-card card. Guess what that I is life. Look at Josey her mother gives a shit about her and her father worked so many hours because he didn’t want to be with his own wife. And my mother was ill all my life, I saw my mother die slowly in front of my eyes. We all lost people but we never lost them on purpose! You made Josey run away! It is your fault, you were the one who hurt her. Don’t you get it Liam we are your family. Family doesn’t end with blood.” Lorelai said still sounding angry.
Liam was half leaning against the kitchen counter but didn’t look at Lorelai.

“Are you going to say anything? At least a lame sorry?”

“No. Jo would be best if she would have never met me.” Liam mumbled.

“Right because she would either have run away or would have married Victor who sure as hell is not gentle in bed. Liam relationships are not easy, two people acting as one is the hardest thing the universe come up with. And I know it is not right that you have to be the strong one for so long now, but that is love Liam. Love hurts so much that it is the biggest miracle of them all that we dare to love. Josey should have told you why she doesn’t want or can’t sleep with you just yet, but she hasn’t and until she tells you otherwise you must trust her that she has a reason. Liam Jo needs help. I don’t think she is taking the birth of your twins very well. She keeps talking about just one child.” Lorelai looked sad at him.

“Jo should divorce me, all I do his hurt her.” Liam said sounding sad.

“So you wanna run away? Leave her alone with your two babies? Good idea? Move back in with Dick, be a happy gay couple that is in denial that they are both gay and always wonder what Jo is doing and how your children look like and if they know you. At night you will lie in bed stare at the stars and remember every story you told her about them.” Lorelai got up went to the fireplace, took the picture of Liam’s mother from it and threw it onto Liam’s lap. “Here I bet you remember how much it hurts to lose someone you love, always wonder what she would do today, how she would be, what she would say. I want that you get your ass up and come with me to pick up your wife and daughters.”

Liam starred at his smiling mother. The pictures long on the mantelpiece, he had put it up last Christmas and Jo had smiled when he had not a pitiful smile but like she was happy to see his mom in their life. He felt his heart ache so badly that he had to blink several times that he wouldn’t start crying again. Liam shook his head, he would not go and pick up Jo to hurt her again.

“Fine!” Lorelai went over to the phone and called John. “Darling? It’s me, can you drive Josey and the girls back to Waterfall Downs?”

“Yes we will be on the way.”

“Thanks. Darling?”

“Sexy?”

“I love you!”

“I love you so much more… my life.” John smiled on the other side of the phone.

“I’m not staying when Jo is coming back!” Liam hissed and got up. But Lorelai was quick, she grabbed his arm twisted it on his back, let him trip over her foot and made him land face first on the kitchen floor.

“I won’t let you run, you have to knock me out to get away this time! You tried to rape her Liam and you will look what that did to her!” She pulled him up and threw him in the big armchair. He had no chance since he just couldn’t raise his hands against Lorelai. “Liam I do this because you are my brother! You are my little baby brother by choice which means so much more as by blood. And I know you would do the same for me. Open your eyes and stop seeing me a something I am not!”

They sat silently in the living room waiting for Jo to come home, and they finally did. Lorelai heard John tell Jo that he would bring the girls into their beds while she should go to the living room. Jo stood in the door frame, lost and hurt and so scared she barely dared to look at Liam. Her bruises on her wrists where dark purple visible and her eyes looked like she had cried since the moment she had left the flat in the morning. She didn’t say anything and neither did Lorelai she watched Liam like a hawk, more to see his love then to watch that he wouldn’t hurt Jo. “I am so sorry Liam!” Jo mumbled while new tears ran down her cheeks.

When Jo appeared in the door, Liam had looked at her for about a second, and that gave him the rest. There was no way he could look at her, not even in her direction. Even when she said she was sorry, he didn’t look at her. He expected Lorelai to attack him any second, but even if she would, he would still not look at Jo. Both women expected him to do something, to say, to at least look up, but he just stared at his knees. He wanted to see his girls, but John was with them, which really annoyed him. Everyone acted as if the girls only belonged to Jo, but they were his daughters too.

“I’m so sorry”, Jo whispered again, hoping he would finally look up, but he didn’t. She almost flinched when Liam got up.

“It’s not your fault, so don’t be sorry”, he mumbled while he passed her and left the living room. He wanted to go to the nurseries and hold his little angels, but John was still there. John was always there, the perfect husband and dad. Everything he did was so fucking perfect, it annoyed Liam. It would probably be best if Jo would move in with him and Lorelai and they could be a happy family together, and they might as well take the girls, since nobody considered him as their dad anyway. Liam knew that he started to get jealous again, but it was less jealousy and more frustration about this whole mess. He just wanted to hug Jo, to feel her arms, but he couldn’t even do that without the supervision of other people. Maybe it was good that he couldn’t get too close to her. Of course he thought he would never hurt her like that again, but how could he be sure? It could happen again, probably when he least expected it. He needed to stay away from her to prevent anything like that happening to her again. Lorelai didn’t get it. She wanted them to reunite as if nothing had happened, but he knew he needed to stay away from Jo, even if it hurt her mentally and it was killing him just as much. In order to prevent her from getting hurt, she had to be away from the person who had caused that hurting.
Now, if Liam wouldn’t have had a school to run and two daughters he adored, he would have gone away. Not forever and not far, but just to get that safe distance that Jo needed from him. But since he couldn’t bail on the school and especially not on his daughters- even if they had the picture-perfect dad in John, who they probably loved much more in the first place- he couldn’t leave, but he would try to avoid Jo for a while. Not to hurt her, of course, just to keep her safe.
Liam went downstairs to his lab and locked the door behind him so that nobody could come in. He didn’t care if Lorelai would soon show up and knock like maniac on the door and insult him in twenty different languages. Let her come. Whatever.
Liam lay down on the couch in the far corner. There was no way he could sleep now, but he was exhausted. He had cried in front of a church dude, that was probably his greatest low point. Well, yeah, after trying to force his wife to sleep with him. That was his greatest low point.
He took a deep breath and stared at the ceiling, remembering the first day they met. Yes, he had been more occupied with Lorelai back then, but there was one thing he had noticed immediately. Jo’s brown eyes. Just like his mum’s. And even though he had been mainly focused on Lorelai and not Jo, he could remember that he thought how pretty Jo’s eyes were when he first saw her.

Lorelai jumped and she wanted to go after Liam, but Jo stopped her. “Don’t he… needs some time. Can you please go home? I want to be alone.” Jo mumbled Lorelai wanted to answer back but Jo was turning around and went into the nurseries. “Thanks John, but please leave now.”
John nodded, kissed her on the head and left with Lorelai. Jo took the girls and went to her and Liam’s bedroom. She fed her daughters and curled up with them in the large bed.
She didn’t sleep but let her mind wandered. She remembered the day of the summer concert when she thought she had lost Liam, but he had been there. But that was not the strongest memory was from their wedding day. She would never forget the moment Liam confessed his love to her.



“People who know me are aware that I suck when it comes to writing anything remotely emotional… To be honest, when Jo suggested we should write our own vows I immediately knew that I was going to screw that one up. But I didn’t want to let her down, so I sat down and actually tried to write that thing, which resulted in many hours of God-knows-what, but not in the result that I had in mind. I have to admit, I actually switched the radio to the classical music station, hoping that would give me any sort of inspiration, but well…it didn’t particularly help, it only made me fall asleep.”
The guests started to laugh again except Elizabeth who had probably hoped her son-in-law could be a little bit more romantic. Liam’s eyes met with his father’s for a brief moment, who shot him an encouraging smile.
“Anyway”, he said, almost lost in thought. “I realized I couldn’t write a vow… I couldn’t write that vow because I need to stand right in front of you in order to be able to say what I always wanted to say…” And in that moment he saw her, and only her. Her brown eyes, her tiny freckles, the flowers in her hair…she was so intimidatingly beautiful, he had no words for it. “Josephine Yvaine Williams… Thank you. Thank you for everything. Thank you for your smile. Thank you for the way you hold my hand. Thank you for your patience, your kindness, your laughter. Thank you for your tears. Thank you for the way you look when you wake up, so beautifully fragile. Thank you for the way your eyes light up when you’re happy, you have no idea how lovely you are. Thank you for making me a better person, for bringing out the best in me. Thank you for caring about me and taking care of me, I never really told you how much that means to me. Thank you for making every day special… Thank you for loving me. Thank you for letting me love you”, he continued, trying to keep his voice calm, which was really hard. He took one last deep breath before he finished. “Thank you for being so lovely every single day. Thank you, Jo…for the day you stepped into my life..."
“Liam Seamus O’Doherty, you once called me a princess and that I deserve better then you. But you never thought about that a princess is nothing but a word, when I bleed my blood is just as red as yours. Every day I have a crazy genius moment and all you do is be there until I’m done, you never judge me, you never made me feel not to be enough, you taught me to fly, to see the beauty of life…” Jo wiped her tears away she was smiling but she still couldn’t stop crying, Liam brushed his thumb gently over her face. “You make me laugh and cry at the same time, you make me happy and sad because every moment we spend together means we are getting closer to the day that our lives end, I don't want to spend one second in heaven without you nor do I want to spend a second without you living. I always thought to love someone makes me whole somehow but with you I am not whole, with you I am myself. Each moment we are together I can be the girl I always wanted to be. I know I don’t have to be smoking hot like… Mina.” Jo smiled teasingly at him, she used on purpose his nickname for her cousin. “I can be myself and know that every freckle, every out-sticking hair, every little flaw makes me the girl you love so much. All my life I was like Peter Pan looking through Wendy’s nursery window wanting to be a part of her life, but the window was locked I never realized that I have to stop flying, to come down to the ground to find… my prince. Royalty is not something you are born with, true royals are born in ashes and dirt and rise above it. And you turned me into a true princess, not a girl in fancy dresses, lots of jewellery and a crown, no a princess that is loved for her heart not her looks. The greatest treasures are not gold nor jewels nor works of art, they cannot be held in your hands; they are held within your heart. All those worldly things can fade away as seasons come and go, but the treasure you gave me once and give me every moment we are together again and again is the treasure of your true love it will never lose its glow unlike every star, it will never stop shining. Liam you make me shine in a light I never thought I would be able to shine. Wherever we are, whatever we have, when I look at you I am at home. Not just a house, no this home is in my heart and it stays there forever with you. You love me for me and for nothing else. Liam I love you more than any words ever can express, I love you more than the universe is wide, you are every character combined from every book I ever loved and more. You made me see that just because something always was doesn’t mean it should be. You are the book want to read over and over again to find new hidden massages in it. I love you endlessly, even more than there are stars in the sky. Not I am the princess, but you are the prince that saw the poor awkward girl and with your love you make me the lucky one. Agus tá tú mo mionbhrístíní i do phóca, go ndéanann dom do bhrídeog gan mionbhrístíní. I am so thankful destiny brought us together. I love you!”

Jo had not seen Liam in days, Betty came up in the morning and left in the evening she helped her but never spoke much. It was late at night and since the incident the girls were sleeping in their nurseries. Jo was shivering and felt so alone. She got up and went downstairs to see Liam, she knew of course where he was. She knocked, first very shyly and then more determined. “Liam, can we talk… please.”

Liam had just looked through an old picture album of them when Jo knocked on the door. The album was from the time when they just started going out, so Jo still had her short hair- which he really missed- and looked like an adorable little tomboy on most of the pictures. He had taken countless pictures of her, so he could remember every moment that he had spent with her.
The past days were hard because he avoided Jo on purpose and he felt horrible doing it, but he cared more for her safety right now than for anything else. He also had a hard time facing her, it was almost impossible. He often snuck upstairs to see his girls, making sure Jo wasn’t in the flat right now. He ran into Betty a couple of times, but that was okay. Being apart from his two little angels was hard as well, he wished he could take them into his lab but it would have been too dangerous, and everybody doubted his father-skills anyway, so nobody would trust him with the girls alone. The nights were especially lonely. As much as he liked spending time in his lab during the day, he still liked to go back upstairs in the evening and lie down next to his wife- but the last few days he had slept alone in the lab on a couch. Which was really depressing.
Looking at those old pictures didn’t make it any less depressing, and he almost jumped up when Jo knocked on the door and told him to let her in. He couldn’t think straight, so he stuffed the photo album under one of the pillows and got up. He was very nervous while he opened the door, and the moment he saw her he felt like his heart just sank. She looked so sad and small, like a little girl who had been left behind somewhere in the crowd.

“Please can we talk?”, she whispered, sounding shy again.

“Okay…” Liam nodded and made room for her. It was definitely weird as she walked into his lab. They hadn’t talked in days, not since the incident. “You…eh…want to sit?” This whole situation was so awkward, both of them didn’t know how to act.

Jo nodded and walked towards the couch. Liam wanted to tell her not to sit down there because he didn’t want her to find the old photo album he had been looking at just before she knocked, but she already sat down, though luckily not on the album itself, but next to it. It was still covered under the pillow. Liam stared uncomfortably at the floor, then he played nervously with the sleeve of his jumper. “What…um…what’s up?”
Seriously? ‘What’s up’? You’re such an idiot!
He wanted to slap himself for acting so stupid, but he was incredibly nervous now that Jo was in the lab, so close to him.
She was about to say something when he got ahead of her. “I’m sorry”, he said, this time looking at her. “I’m just…I’m so sorry, Jo. I know it’s not going to make anything undone, but I just…I owe you the biggest apology, and I really don’t deserve that you accept it, but I’m apologizing anyway, even if it doesn’t make anything better.” He paused for a moment and stared at the floor again, feeling how his heart got heavier with every second. “I’m sorry for what I did to you, to the most important person in my life…” It was more a whisper, and he didn’t even expect Jo to hear it.

((Some music for the right mood -


))

Jo started crying, for a few moments Jo just stared at him and then she go up and fled into his arms. Liam was going all stiff, but it felt so good to hold Jo again. “Liam I am so sorry!”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” Liam mumbled he relaxed a little and closed his arms around Jo and to his surprise he felt her relax.

“I know you are sorry and I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, I forgive you. Okay?” Jo whispered into Liam’s chest. She loved how Liam smelled, like his lab and… himself. “I need more time.”

“I know you do, and you will get all the time you need.” How could he have hurt this so wonderful person, he loved Jo so much that he would do everything for her.

“Liam?”

“Yes?”

“I need help.” Jo started shivering, which worried Liam.

“What do you mean with what do you need help?”

“Liam? When I look at our daughter I don’t feel anything. Here is this huge black on in my heart where she should be but she is not. I can’t love our daughter.” Jo mumbled. Liam tried to understand what was happening but he didn’t. Why did Jo keep talking about one daughter? Lorelai had mentioned that Jo needed help, how could he help.
“Something is wrong with me. And I don’t understand what is happening. Liam I’m scared.” Jo was holding on to Liam’s shirt tightly.

“It will be alright Jo.” Liam whispered. It scared him that she did not remember that they had two daughters… “Jo who is with the girls right now?”

Jo looked up at him. “Um what?”

“Who is watching Jane and Jill?” Liam moved her out of his arms to look at her.

“I don’t know.” Jo looked guilty at the floor.

“Okay, we better check on them.” He immediately let go off her and walked towards the door of the lab. The way Jo reacted around the babies worried him. Yes, he did expect her to be overwhelmed by the fact that they had two children, he was overwhelmed too, but he hadn’t expected her to be unable to deal with the situation. She looked so lost, almost scared. Over a month ago, before the girls were born, he was a hundred percent sure that Jo would love their child more than anything, that she would automatically stop having the kind of love for him that she used to because all her love would transfer to the baby. But now…now she didn’t even realise that she had two daughters. There was something really wrong, and it worried him so much because he didn’t know what it was that had changed something inside of Jo. He had no idea what was going on and what he could do.

They went upstairs and Liam walked into Jane’s nursery, followed by Jo who was like a shadow behind him.
“I’m so sorry”, she mumbled.

“For what?” He turned around to look at her.

“I forgot about her! I left her alone, I can’t…I…I just…I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay, nothing happened.” He wanted to kiss her, but he still didn’t dare to, so he smiled at her , then turned to his daughter.
Jane was awake, and when he bent over her crib to check if she was alright, she looked up to him and reached out her tiny hand.
“Hey, Princess…” Liam lifted her up carefully and kissed her gently on her forehead. “Aren’t you the prettiest girl in the whole wide world?” He smiled at his daughter. “You and your sister, of course. You two have to share, but you are the most beautiful little girls, you know that?”
Jane looked at her daddy with her big blue eyes as if she listened closely to what he told her. Liam turned to Jo who stood there, looking completely lost.
“Do you want to check on Jill?”

“Hm?” She looked at him, then at Jane. “But you’re holding her.”

Liam was quiet for a moment. “That’s Jane”, he said calmly. “Jill is in the next room. Let’s go together, okay?”

She just nodded and followed him into Jill’s nursery. While Liam was still holding Jane, Jo carefully approached Jill’s crib and looked at her sleeping daughter. Jill was usually the one who was awake and Jane was the sleepy one, but this time it was the other way around. Jo bit her lip while she watched the sleeping Jill. She didn’t notice that Liam watched her carefully.

“Jo?”

“Yes?”

“What did you mean earlier with not feeling anything for our daughters? You didn’t really mean that, did you?”

Jo hadn’t picked up Jill but when she looked at Liam she had this very confused look again, because she had just seen her baby sleep how did it get on Liam’s arm?

“I…” Jo hugged herself, she looked so thin, it was nearly scary she had just given birth a month ago and she already had her old figure back, well except of her boobs they were still rather huge. “I… I think I did. I feel just so… empty.”

Jane had fallen asleep again, Liam quickly looked at her and then back at Jo. “Um okay, I’ll have to put down Jane again. And you maybe wait in the living room for me?”

“Okay.” Jo mumbled and left the nursery. She didn’t know what to do or say to Liam.

Liam didn’t like it but he went into Jane nursery but his little princess back down into her crib and hurried to find Jo but she wasn’t in the living room, for a moment he stared actually scared at his bedroom door. It was open and he stopped in it. “Jo?”

Jo was sitting on his side of their bed, she was crying, sobbing and shaking heavily. “Liam, help me please.” Jo was pleading so helplessly.

“I’m not sure how, but I’m trying to.” Liam mumbled. He didn’t dare to move closer to her even when he wanted so much to hold her.

“No Liam, I’m serious. I think I’m like my mother. I can’t love my baby! Maybe you should just send me away before I can hurt our baby. I mean you are great with her. Your are the best daddy I have ever seen!” Jo had a hard time breathing from all the crying and sobbing. “Liam? Can you please hold me? Just for a little bit?”

He still hesitated, even when she asked him to hold her. He had been scared of himself after what he had done to her that he didn’t dare to touch her anymore, not even something simple like holding her hand. Of course he didn’t want to repeat that ever, but he didn’t know what would happen if he came too close to her again. Until a few days ago he wouldn’t have imagined in a million years that he would be capable of hurting Jo like that, and yet he did, so what gave him the guarantee that he couldn’t do it again?
“Jo…I…I don’t know…”

“Please…”

It was killing him, seeing her like that. All she wanted was him to hold her, and not even that he could do. Liam took a deep breath and sat down next to her, his hands still in his lab, but then he carefully pulled her into a hug. It was a hesitant one, but Jo immediately buried her face into his chest and put his arms around him as well.
“Don’t let go off me, please…”, she whispered into his shirt.

“Never”, he said quietly, then very carefully bent down and planted a kiss on her head. It felt so good to hold her, especially after the last couple of days where he hadn’t seen her at all. But even before the incident they had been somewhat distant. The last time he was close to her was at the birth, when he held her hand and made sure she was alright. After that she had turned away from him, and he didn’t understand why. Now he obviously saw that there was more than just a little shock about having two babies. Something wasn’t right with Jo, and it was more serious than he had expected.
“Jo, you’re not going to be like your mother. I know that is your biggest fear, just like I always worried that I would become one of those dads who are never there for their children, but only because we experienced those things doesn’t mean that we will automatically do the same.”

“But I already feel it”, Jo mumbled between tears.

“You feel what?”

“How similar I am to her. I…I want to love the baby…but I can’t, I just can’t…”

Liam was quiet for a moment. He knew Jo didn’t just make that up. She really seemed lost and desperate, and he wanted to do everything in his power to help her, the only thing was, he didn’t quite know how, because he didn’t know what was really going on.
“It’s okay…”, he mumbled while he rubbed her back gently. “If you’re not ready to love them yet, you will be soon, I have no doubt about that. You will love them, no matter what.” It was strange for him to hear a mother saying that she doesn’t love her child, especially after been raised by a mother who had sacrificed so much for him, so he naturally grew up with the impression that mothers loved their children unconditionally, while fathers either needed more time or were too afraid to love them. He would have never expected that Jo would find it so difficult to love their girls. He had fallen in love with them the second he saw them. During the entire pregnancy he thought that Jo would drop him like a hot potato the second the baby was born, but here she was, clinging to him, so scared that she would become like her mother.
Liam touched her hair gently and started singing Downtown very quietly to her, almost like a lullaby, hoping it would calm her down.

It took several minutes until Jo stopped sobbing, she was breathing calmer and her panic attack seemed to have passed for now. As usual Liam’s singing calmed Jo down, she knew she needed help and she knew that Liam would be there at her said.

“You are shivering, let me get you a jumper. Did you eat… today?” Liam asked while he picked the first jumper he found on the bed, to his surprise it was his Mickey Mouse jumper. The one a very long time ago Maggy had ruined. He had gotten the same jumper last year, and just as the first time Jo kind of took it over from him.

“I don’t know.”Jo looked pale, now that Liam paid attention to it.

“Come on I’ll make you something to eat.” Liam helped Jo in the jumper and then in the kitchen.

“Won’t we wake up the baby?” Jo whispered. But Liam smiled, no Jane and Jill will sleep even when we are in the kitchen. But when he and Jo came into the kitchen he suddenly froze, he had actually forgotten well kind of. This where it had happened, this was the room he had hurt the love of his life.

“Liam, it’s okay. I’m not mad at you anymore.” Very gentle Jo took Liam’s hand, tiptoed and kissed him on the cheek. “It was a bad moment that make our lives real and not a movie.”

Liam swallowed and nodded, he started making two cups of tea and some toast even though it was nearly midnight. When he looked at Jo he saw a folder in front of her. “Lorelai sent this yesterday, I’m not sure when it is but I think it is information on my illness. And also some psychiatrists that can help. But Liam, I don’t know if they or any of this can help me. My mother never got well again.” Jo didn’t dare to look at Liam. “I’m so sorry I’m such a horrible wife and mother of our daughter. And I am not even pretty anymore.”

“Whoa, hold on a second.” He turned to her and touched her shoulders gently. “You’re neither a horrible wife nor a horrible mother. And you sure as hell are pretty! I know you don’t want to believe me, but for me you’re the prettiest girl, and you always will be.”

“Look at me! As wife I failed because I couldn’t give you what you want, and as mother I failed because I can’t even love my only child, I-“

“Jo!” Liam pulled her into a hug and she immediately hid her face in his chest. “Please don’t say that…”

“But it’s the truth.”

“It’s not.” Liam closed his eyes for a moment. He was so exhausted from feeling helpless, he was so tired, but he couldn’t show it, he had to be there for Jo and cheer her up, even though he had no bloody clue what was really going on, and it was exhausting that she just couldn’t believe him. Those were the moments he missed his mother more than anything. She would have known what to do, even though she might not have ‘healed’ Jo from whatever ‘illness’ she had, but at least Catherine always had the right things to say, something Liam often lacked in. “Jo, please, if you would just listen to me one time…” He sighed quietly. “You’re such a wonderful wife, there’ s no way a prick like me deserves someone as lovely and great as you, really. I know you’re very emotional and you have your ups and downs, but that doesn’t mean that you’re a bad wife, neither does it mean you suck as a mother. I know it’s hard for you, with two babies and all, but you will get used to it, and you will become the best mother those two girls could possibly have.” He felt Jo’s arms around him as if she was afraid someone would tear them apart. “I believe in you, Yvaine”, he said quietly. “I always have, and I always will.”

Jo sobbed into his shirt, her face still buried in it.

“And I know, you don’t want to believe it, but if you don’t believe in yourself that only means that I will believe even more in you, every day, every hour, every minute. If you don’t believe, I will believe for you, in you, every single day until you will be strong enough to believe in yourself. I’m not giving up on you, never.”

Jo was sobbing a little while longer into his chest until she lifted her head. “I’m sorry I drooled on your shirt.”

Liam looked down at his shirt and at Jo and started chuckling. “I don’t mean to laugh, I swear but honestly I so don’t care about my shirt.”

“I know.” Jo mumbled, she let go with one hand of Liam just to take a slice of toast. It was long cold but she was so hungry, Jo hadn’t noticed how hungry she was. “I will try to be better and look better after our daughter… two there are two babies.” Jo sighed deeply. “I will try to do that and… believe in me, I’m just not sure how. I feel like I’m trapped or more that I can’t open the door to my feelings.” Jo seemed a lot calmer now that she was eating a little. “Liam are you staying here? I mean the night? I don’t want to be alone again. I think the baby will need another feeding soon. But I don’t understand how she keeps moving from one nursery to the other…” Jo looked with her big doe eyes at Liam hoping he would know what she was trying to say.

Liam didn’t say anything for a moment. Hearing Jo like that, constantly forgetting that she had two babies, hit him hard every time. He knew she didn’t do it on purpose, but it was still terrible to hear her say it. He didn’t want to remind her every time that they had two girls, but he also didn’t want her to think that they only had one. He didn’t know what to do.
And then she wanted him to sleep here, which was something he wasn’t really sure about yet. He wanted to say that it wasn’t a good time, that he was worried he would try something again, but on the other hand he couldn’t leave her alone like that.
“The baby doesn’t walk from one nursery into the next”, Liam said, trying to sound calm. “We have two nurseries because we have two children. You were there, you know? At the hospital, when they were born. You picked Jill’s name. It’s two girls.”

Jo bit her lip. “Right…”

Liam took a deep breath. He had tried to avoid that thought, but now it was impossible to avoid it anymore. Jo needed professional help, and if the only way to help her meant that she had to go to a clinic for some time, then he had to encourage her instead of trying to help her own his own. It didn’t work, his help was not enough, and she wouldn’t get well by him singing songs to her or telling her hundred thousand times that she was beautiful. She didn’t listen to him anyway.

“Can you please stay here for tonight?”, she asked again, very shyly. “I don’t want to be alone.”

He nodded, although inside he was incredibly worried something could go wrong. He sure as hell couldn’t afford to do any mistake right now, especially not while Jo was in this fragile state.
“Do you…um…do you want to lie down? It’s late, you should try to get some sleep.”

She nodded and took his hand to make sure he wouldn’t suddenly run away. It felt strange to enter the bedroom. He usually had good memories in this place, but right now he felt like he shouldn’t be here. Jo sat down on the bed, still holding his hand. He hesitated, he really didn’t want to sit on the bed right now, but she looked so lost and sad that he sat down next to her. He avoided looking at her, he looked at his knees instead. They were quiet for a moment while a thousand things ran through his head. Finally, he looked up, into her sad brown eyes.
“That illness…”, he started, but then shook his head. “I don’t want to call it ‘illness’, it doesn’t sound right. That…burden…that you’re carrying with you…I can’t carry it for you…” He paused for a moment while he squeezed her hand gently. “But I can carry you.”

Jo looked at her husband for a long time and then she pulled him further onto the bed on his side. He was so worried he would hurt Jo, but then he saw and felt how much she relaxed when he lied down and she curled up on his chest. He looked up through the large skylight above their bed, just like he had in London… and that reminded him of the few nights they had spend there. He pointed at a star right above them and started telling Jo about it. And just like so many nights before that got them talking… About so many things except their children or Jo’s condition.
It was still early in the morning when both twins had been fed and were now sleeping in mommy’s arm, well Jill was sleeping but Jane was staring at the sky above her.

“Hey Princess, let’s get you changed.” Liam picked up Jane, and to his surprise he saw Jo -who was sound asleep- search with her hand in her sleep for Jane. Jo was still holding Jill but in her subconscious of her sleep she knew that she had to have two babies. Liam kissed Jane on the cheek. “You mommy is not a lost cause, I knew it.”

A second surprise waited for Liam when he came out of the kitchen on his way to Jane’s nursery.

“Good morning Sir, I’m sorry I let myself in but it is so early I didn’t want to wake up anyone. Is there anything I can do for you? Like change Jane’s diaper?” Betty offered, as usual trying very hard to speak not in her deep southern American accent.

“Oh yes, please”, Liam said. “I really don’t like to do that.”

“Changing diapers? But you should know how to do that.”

“Actually no, that’s the job of the woman.”

Betty raised her eyebrows and took Jane. “I hope you’re kidding.”

“Ehm…no.”

The nanny sighed and walked to the changing table where she lay down Jane carefully. “No I don’t want to be frank, but as a father you should just as well know how to change your child’s diaper. You never know when you’re alone with the babies, and what do you want to do then? Ask a random woman if she could change your baby’s diaper because it’s not a man’s job?”

Liam looked a bit uncomfortable. She definitely had a point, but everything inside him refused to accept that, he just didn’t want to change the babies’ diapers, that was Jo’s job, or Betty’s.

“Will you at least watch so that you can see how it’s done?”, Betty asked, with a slightly mocking tone in her voice.
Liam really didn’t want to see that, but on the other hand he couldn’t just say no either, so he took a deep breath, shoved his hands in his pockets and stood next to Betty who was about to remove the old diaper. He immediately made a face.
“Oh, holy Saint Patrick, that’s gross!”

Betty cleared her throat. “You ain’t seen nothing yet, Mr Liam.”

“What do you mean? It gets worse?”

Betty chuckled while she put the new diaper on Jane. “Trust me, there is more than just diapers or a little bit of baby drool.”

Liam looked sceptically from the nanny to his daughter. “I don’t think I’m ready for this.”

“Well…” The older woman lifted up Jane and handed her to her father. “I guess that’s too late now.”

He scrutinized his little daughter who looked at him with her blue eyes. Yeah, Betty was right, it was too late now, and he sure as hell hadn’t been ready for a baby, not to mention two, but here he was, father of two, and he definitely had to learn a lot of things.

Betty looked at Liam. “I will not tell you how to handle your girls, but Mr Liam if their diapers are not changed they will get a rash that is painfully, very painfully. So for their sakes please change them as often as possible.” Betty said it very friendly and calmly. Liam just nodded but didn’t say anything else. “Sir also I have another suggestion. Ever thought about to be the one who will be the one bathing the girls? It could be a special time for you with your girls. Oh Jane there is your belly button.”

“Holy Saint Patrick what did you do?” Liam was getting ready to pull away Betty from his little princess if he had to.

“Her umbilici cord fell off, it is normal no worries. It is a good sign, it is time you can start giving her baths every couple of days since she is just a baby.”

“Okay.” Liam was so sure about giving his daughter baths, or that he saw for the first time her tiny bellybutton. And it was such a cute one.

Meanwhile in the parent’s bedroom. Jo was holding Jill in her arm while she was still sleeping more or less, but Jill started to stir she was not happy about it. Jill started quietly crying and finally woke up Jo, but Jo was confused didn’t she fell asleep with two babies? She had two or was it just one?

“Liam? Liam? Come quickly the baby she is crying!” Jo shouted. It didn’t take long for Liam to be back in the living room. He hesitated for a moment but then he kissed her on top of her head.

“It’s okay beautiful. She is just hungry. It’s breakfast time. Betty is with Jane, remember you nursed her before you fell asleep again?” Liam whispered gently.

“Oh right.” Jo rubbed her eyes. “Liam I don’t know what to do.” Liam saw how helpless she looked at her daughter. Liam sighed, not out of frustration but of pain to see Jo so much indifferent from her normal happy self.

“You will feed Jill, while I go and make breakfast. I’m just in the kitchen so right there if you need me.”

“Okay. Liam?” Jo looked shy away from Liam.

“Yes?”

“I forgot which side I fed this morning.” Jo was so insanely embarrassed that she didn’t know about it.

“You fed Jane with both sides remember to increase your milk production.” Liam said very calmly to Jo.

“Oh right. I forgot.” Jo mumbled while she picked up Jo, but she didn’t start opening her pyjama shirt. “I’m sorry Liam, but… you are looking at me.”

“It’s okay, I’ll understand.” Liam knew exactly what she meant, so he went in the kitchen to make breakfast. While Jo started feeding her daughter.

“Mr Liam, that is one changed and dressed little girl for you. I will now change the bed linen of the twin beds. Is there anything else you need me to do?”

“No thank you. Oh wait Jo has a doctor’s appointment around lunch you will watch the girls right? I mean I will go with her but we cannot take the girls along not right now.”

“Yes I’m aware of that. Sir may I ask if you see that Jo needs help?”

“Yes I know. I’m working on getting her help.” Liam looked at the kettle.

“I’m glad you are. Let me know when you leave for the appointment, you might want to give Jo a little chamomile tea to calm her down because of leaving her babies at home.”

“Oh not a bad idea.” Liam got the tea while Betty left him to do her work. Jane was watching her daddy, prepare breakfast while she was sucking on a scone Liam had given her.
Not long later Liam was with Jo sitting in the examination room of Dr Forbes. “Do you think our baby is okay?”

“Yes our babies are fine.” Liam smiled.

“Oh right we have two. Um I think I need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.” Jo got up and went to the bathroom. She was nervous to get undressed in front of Liam, even when she was still wearing a hospital gown.

Back in the examination room Jo’s file was lying on Dr Forbes desk, Liam was sitting in this room surrounded by stuff about women’s private parts. Dr Forbes was still with another patient but she should be here any minute.

He didn’t really like being in hospitals. Not that he was scared of them, but he just didn’t like the atmosphere. Well, who actually liked being in this place anyway?
Liam got up, shoved his hands into his pockets and walked around the room, still waiting for Dr Forbes or Jo when his eyes suddenly rested on Jo’s file. He wasn’t usually the snooping kind of guy- well, sometimes he was- but this time something just automatically drew him towards this file, and without thinking twice about it, he threw a quick glance over his shoulder to make sure nobody was behind him, then he picked up the file…

Dr Forbes came into the room shortly after Liam had put the file back down. He had read it. All of it. Now he sat on a chair and just stared on the floor, completely emotionless and unable to speak.

“Hello there, Daddy”, Dr Forbes said with a friendly smile. “How are you doing? Have you adjusted to fatherhood yet?”

Liam didn’t answer.

“Liam?” Her smile faded and she scrutinized him with worry. “Is something the matter?”

He slowly looked up. “You seriously asking me this?”

Dr Forbes seemed confused. “I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about…”

“Were you going to keep it a secret from me?”

“Excuse me?”

“That my wife almost died.” There was not one single expression on his face.

Dr Forbes sighed. “Liam, I had a reason. If you had known that she almost died by giving birth to your daughters, would you have been able to still love them?”

He didn’t answer. He actually didn’t really know what he would have done.

“We were all just so glad and relieved that she survived this, and you should remember that day of your daughters’ birth as something incredibly special rather than the day you almost lost your wife. Jo asked me herself not to tell you…”

Liam bit his lip. He had been such an arsehole to her, he had almost raped her, and he had no fucking clue that she almost died. It was safe to say that he was shocked when he read what had really happened to her, but on the other hand it didn’t surprise him that much. After all, the people he loved the most died or would die around him sooner or later. Of course something had to happen to Jo…after all, she was married to him, and that was reason enough something bad would happen to her. He didn’t dare to think what he would have done if he would have lost Jo that day. Dr Forbes was probably right. How could he have still loved the girls after they would have taken away Jo from him?

“I know you feel betrayed because nobody told you”, Dr Forbes said calmly. “But please understand my reasons. And bear in mind that you be especially good to her at the moment.”

Especially good to her…
Liam felt worse with every second. He had hurt Jo so much, especially now that she needed him to be caring and good to her, but he had done the exact opposite. He kept staring at the ground, wishing again it could have been him who died in his mother’s place, so on that way he would have never entered Jo’s life, never gotten her pregnant and in danger of losing her life. Never hurting her. Never.

Dr Forbes wanted to say something, but the same moment a shy looking Jo entered the room, so the doctor forced a smile because she didn’t want to worry Jo.

Jo looked from Liam to Dr Forbes. “Is something wrong?” She knew they had talked about her. “I mean you talked about me… right?”

Dr Forbes sighed. “Yes we did talk about you, that you are not well. That is why I got here an address for you, a therapist.”

Jo nodded and took the hospital gown to get change behind the curtain. She was scared and a part of her would like to ask Liam to wait outside but she was too scared to be alone with Dr Forbes. She was standing shy in some distance.

“Can you lie down so that I can examine you?” Dr Forbes asked gently. “Maybe Liam can wait during the examination outside?”

Before Liam could even say or do anything Jo nearly shouted. “No! ... I mean no please stay, just um don’t look.”

“Okay.” Liam mumbled he wasn’t sure yet how to handle the fact that Jo nearly died a month ago.

Dr Forbes took some blood, did an ultrasound, and an examination of Jo’s private parts. “It is all healing very well, how does it feel? I know this question sounds weird but any pain?”

“No.” Jo whispered not looking at Liam.

“Good, twin births can be tricky sometimes.” Dr Forbes looking at Liam, who finally looked at her. She tried to tell him with a look not to go into the details what he had read.

“When can I have sex again?” Jo blurted out. Dr Forbes looked at the troubled face of Jo and kind of knew why Jo asked, even when it was not the right thing she thought.

“In a few weeks maybe a month. Well at least three weeks medically seen and after that it is up to when you feel ready.”

“Okay. Um can I get changed again?” Jo whispered.

“Yes of course.”

Liam helped Jo down the examination table but he had a hard time touching her bare skin, even when it was just her arm. He quickly stepped closer to Dr Forbes as soon Jo was getting dressed again.

“I can’t lie to her.”

“It is not a lie, but it is not your place to know until Jo is ready to tell you about the complications. Because she is not ready to admit the complications to herself.”

Before Liam could reply anything Jo was dressed and stepped out from behind the curtain. “I think I would like to go home now. Please.” Jo was shivering and she looked a lot like she was about to have another breakdown.

“Yes, we can go home.” Liam didn’t touch Jo but she searched right away his closeness and fled into his arms.

“I’ll call you with the blood results.” Dr Forbes said not at all angry that Jo just left.

“You put your arms around me, and I’m home.” Jo mumbled on the way back to Waterfall Downs.

The rest of the afternoon was relatively quiet. Liam tried not to think all the time about what he had read in Jo’s files, but that didn’t really work, he just couldn’t get rid of the thought that he had been so close of losing her. It wouldn’t have been the kind of losing that might have followed after he tried to force her to sleep with him, no, it was the kind of losing that was eternal. He would have never gotten her back. He would have lost the most important person in his life. Again.
That night he held her in his arms. He hesitated at first, but when he noticed that she wanted to be held, he lay down next to her and put his arms around her, and she soon fell asleep afterwards while he was awake for a bit longer, wishing this fear of losing someone would go away, but it didn’t. It never had. It was always there, living deep within, constantly coming up again. He didn’t know how to stop it. He could ignore it for a while, but it would never fully go away, and now that he had almost lost Jo, it was present again, hanging over him like a threat.
The next day Liam tried to get other thoughts into his head and focused on his little girls. Betty had mentioned that he could start bathing them now, so that’s what he did. He had planned to go to the bathroom with them and fill a bit of the bathtub, but looking at his tiny daughters he realised that a normal-sized bathtub was just too big for them, so he took them into the kitchen and filled the sink with water. Jane was lying in her Baby lounger on the big kitchen table while Liam carefully placed Jill in the sink. The moment Jill felt the water, a happy giggle escaped from her and a wide grin appeared on her face.
“You like that, hm?” Liam’s sleeves were pulled up so that his arms could get wet while he was holding Jill. He wished Jo could watch this, but earlier, when he had asked her if she wanted to join them, she admitted that she was too nervous to watch this. Liam didn’t quite understand why she would be nervous about watching their daughters having their first bath, but he accepted it.
Jill let out another giggle while he carefully brushed her cheek with a wet cloth. “You’re doing a great job”, Liam said and smiled at her. “You like the water, I can tell…” The same moment he heard Jane nagging in the background. “I guess your sister is calling out for attention.” He lifted Jill up, dried her with a soft towel, put her clothes back on and put her down in her lounger next to Jane’s, then he took Jane who looked at him with big eyes as he walked towards the sink. When he sat her down in the water her eyes grew bigger and for a moment she just stared at him as if he had said a very bad word, and then she started to make a face and cried.
“What is it, Princess? Don’t you like the water? See, it’s completely harmless…” He collected some water with his hand and poured it over her shoulder, but she only continued crying. “I guess you don’t like the water, hm?” He lifted her up and dried her, then he pressed her gently against his chest for a while and stroked her head gently. “It’s okay, Princess, nothing happened, everything is okay.”
Jane had stopped crying and started to relax in his arms while Jill still had a happy look on her face. “You girls want to check on mummy?” He lifted Jill out of her lounger and now walked with both babies into the living room where Jo sat on the couch, watching cartoons. She had a blank expression on her face, as if every emotion had left her. Liam looked at her quietly for a moment, remembering the old Jo, the one she was before she got pregnant. Carefree and smiling…He wondered if she was gone forever and he would not get to see her again. And all of it just because he got her pregnant…
Liam cleared his throat and put a smile on. “Hey there, look who I brought.” He sat down next to her on the couch. Jane was still clinging onto him as if she worried that he could throw her into the water again any second while Jill turned her little head towards her mother.

Jo had heard Liam talk to the girls in the kitchen and she wasn’t criticizing him she was just trying to learn what was safe to do with their daughter… daughters. “Do you think it is safe for them in the sink?”

“Yes sure, it is clean and that way I can hold them the best way.” Liam was wondering why she didn’t take Jill.

“Okay. Can I hold her?” Jo looked shy at Liam, who was surprised but then also not really.

“Yes of course. This one hear has the green bracelet so it is Jill, remember that we put different coloured bracelet on them green is Jill and pink is Jane.” Liam held Jo closer to Jo so that she could take her, but Jo was not moving. “I’m not sure how to hold her.” Jo admitted after a few moments. Liam scooted closer to Jo and carefully slipped Jill on her lap. Jo took her daughter a little clumsy, Jill was happy to be with mommy she played right away with a strand of her hair.

“You are always so good with her, I never know what to do. I do so much wrong, I just don’t want to hurt them.” Jo said sadly. Liam kissed Jo gently on the cheek. “Just try to relax and it will come to you.”

Jo nodded but the tears were still running silently down her cheeks. “It tickles when you kiss me.”

Liam looked at her for a moment. “Well that was the idea.”

“I know… Oh god Liam I don’t mean… not now or um…” Jo looked embarrassed at Jill on her lap.

“I know no worries. I heard Dr Forbes medically three weeks and then after that it is up to you.” Liam put his arm around Jo, she was snuggling with Jill on her lap into his chest. They watched cartoons for the rest of the evening, and Liam had all three of his girls arms. It felt so right.

It been a few weeks, summer was on its hottest month. July had wonderful days but Jo was scared to go outside with the girls that were two months old by now. Liam had the constant short beard, and was taking the best care of Jo and his twins as possible.
It was late evening the girls were asleep, well more or less Jill was having troubles with sleeping she woke up many times during the night. Jo was sitting in their bedroom on the bed, she was trying to pump off some of her milk to have more to feed the twins. She didn’t like to feed formula. When she suddenly broke into heavy sobbing.

“Jo are you okay?” Liam knew she was not but he didn’t know what else to say.

“No. This bloody pump is broken and it hurts me.”

“Would you like me to help you?”

Jo was quiet for a long time and then she nodded to Liam’s surprise after all helping her to pump meant to see her half naked. “But Liam, I’m not pretty anymore. And my boobs are sore and so sensitive and…”

Now Liam knew that she really wasn’t ready for him to see her or touch her. He got her pyjama shirt that had buttons in the front that way she could cover one boob while he pumped the other one. “Lean back, I think it is easier if you try to relax.”

“Liam just… I think I don’t want to do it when it hurts like it does when I do it.”

“Okay.” Liam picked up the pump and noticed that it looked a little weird. “Um Jo I think you didn’t put it right together, but I’ll can fix it.”

“Okay.” Jo whispered. She put on the pyjama shirt Liam gave her, it was a good idea of him. It made her feel a little saver.

Of course Liam had never built a breast pump before, so far there had not been a need for that at all, and he certainly didn’t need to use it himself, and neither did Dick during the time they had lived together, so yeah, he really never had a reason to build one, but he could clearly see that Jo had put it together wrongly, and he knew immediately how to fix it so it wouldn’t hurt her anymore.
“Here you go…” He handed her the pump and waited until she lay back. Jo hesitated for a moment, but then she carefully lifted up the nagging Jill again and unbuttoned part of her shirt.

“Is it working?”, Liam asked, his eyes wandering to the other side of the room. He didn’t want to check Jo out while she was feeding Jill. Well, yeah, he kind of did want to look but he knew it made her uncomfortable.

“Yes, it works”, she said quietly. “Thanks for your help.”

“No problem.” He didn’t want to say it, but right now he had a rather hard time, because Jo and her breasts and that pump and her lying in his arms while she was exposing her breast made him incredibly horny, but he tried really hard not to show it. Well, sometimes it was kind of hard to hide it, and right now he tried desperately to get distracted and to think of unicorns and his mother-in-law and basically anything else that so didn’t turn him on, so that Jo wouldn’t feel how freakishly aroused he was right now. He really didn’t want her to get the wrong impression. He knew she needed her time, he totally accepted that, especially after they had met Dr Forbes, so he certainly didn’t try anything because he knew how uncomfortable she would get, but on the other hand he couldn’t always control his body. Life sure as hell would be damn easy if he could…
He looked at his daughter and couldn’t help but feel a bit of jealousy, seeing her so close to mummy’s boobs while he-

“Liam”, she said.

“Yes?!” He almost shouted because she interrupted him in his thoughts and he worried that she had noticed the fact that he was kind of turned on at the moment.

“Thank you for keeping it all together.”

Was she referring the issue in his trousers or what did she mean with ‘keeping it together’?
“Eh…yeah…you’re welcome…”

“You handle the girls so well, it almost scares me how good you are with them.”

Oh, good. She was talking about the girls. Wait a minute. Did she just say…
“Girls”, Liam repeated.

“What?”

“You said ‘girls’.” He kissed her gently on the head. “Plural, not singular.”